‘Twas a tale of sound and fury….

Last day of 2009…. for someone who’s still living in 2005, I sure am wondering where the hell those years went. If I have to sit down and think about the past 12 months, I can surely tell they were important in my life. I went into university and more or less began to be more independent. As doubtful as I usually am, living in another place made even more doubtful – I love my home, my town, my family, my friends (as few as they are now), but I see a lot more possibilities in the UK – and it feels delightfully scary. So my first New Year resolution now is to be stronger on the inside and not to get so many nervous breakdowns. And if I do get a nervous breakdown, I wish for friends who will be there for me and will care without judging me. To do well on my exams – yeah, I think that’s one of the most important resolutions if I want the other ones to work too. I’m not really in the mood to say anything else, I know I’m supposed to be happy, but hey, this is me, I’m melancholic even on New Year’s Eve. I’ll be happy around midnight. And I’ll be back next year with my traditional Top 3 Songs Listened to first during the New Year. Happy holidays and don’t get too drunk! :]

Santa Claus is in the house and Happy (last for the year) Dirtday!

You almost got rid of me today… almost. It’s time to wish everyone happy holidays, ‘cause not everyone celebrates Christmas. Like Walter said: What? You’re Catholic and you’re Protestant – Meery Christmas! You’re jewish? Hang on – K-happy K-hanuka! What are you – atheist? Oh, well – have a nice day! xD I fall in the last category, but, hey, I prefer Sandy Claws to wishing the 2009th Birthday to an imaginary character. And I’m proud to say everyone liked the presents I got them – well, the ones who already received them, I have a few more chimneys to fall down in. And I got loots of chocolate and Elizabeth Arden’s 5th Avenue perfume. Hopefully, I’ll get something else – I’m not picky, it can be something tiny.

And now I wanna wish a happy Dirtday to the last birthday guy for this year – Jared Leto. Thanks for the great album, Jared, keep up the great work you and the rest of the band are doing! May all of you have a successful year…. and may I have a successful year as well…. But it’s a little early for New Year resolutions, so I’m going to get laaazyyy!

Jingle bells, monkey smells....

I did it, I got home! Four days ago to be precise, but I was too busy being happy to find time to write here. The journey home was a nightmare, almost as bad as when we travelled the first time. We left Aberystwyth at 5:30pm on Saturday, arrived at Gatwick airport at around 12 something aaand spent almost 13 hours there. I almost went insane – we couldn’t even sleep properly, ‘cause there were announcements on the airport speaker every 5 minutes. I alternated reading, listening to music and sleeping, but still couldn’t stand the damn waiting. When it finally was time to check in the luggage, it turned out we were at the wrong terminal – so we took a shuttle to ours, checked in and once again we had to wait. There were delays the whole day and a lot of flights were cancelled – I’m more than happy they didn’t cancel ours, because waiting a lot of time to get home is much better than not getting home at all. So 2 hours later we finally took off. My mom was waiting at the airport – I started to cry the minute I saw her – almost 48 hours of travelling with barely no sleep and 3 months of waiting were all worth it. I don’t even want to think about going back right now. Everything is just the way it was – it’s like I never left. No matter how much better it is in the UK, I prefer to be home…

Right, no more sad thoughts, it’s Christmas Eve! I caught The Nightmare Before Christmas last night on TV – never, in a million years, would I have thought I’d see it on Bulgarian television – my Christmas mood awakened right away! Which doesn’t mean I won’t see it again tonight or tomorrow – that’s become my tradition. I bought the collector’s DVD edition from the airport…. ANOTHER one. And now I have two collector’s DVD editions – I just can’t control myself when it’s about that movie, it’s one of the few things I completely adore. That’s why I don’t watch it with other people – I won’t let anyone ruin that too.

I went to my old school with one of my friends to see our teachers – I love when someone is happy to see me from time to time. I’m not an attention whore but every once in a while it feels great to not feel ignored. That’s one of the reasons I’m more than happy I’m finally home. Now I have to give everyone their presents so I can feel happy from that too. And I still don’t care if I don’t get anything in return – 3 months taught me your family is more important. And your friends too, at least the few I got left. My New Year resolution will be to try NOT to lose so many friends… Sad thoughts again >.< That’s why I stop writing here and I’m going to help my mom with the cooking! ^^

P.S. – I love my Christmas tree!



P.S. 2 - I almost forgot to post my interpretation of the story "The Night before Christmas"... or a small part of it:

'Twas the NightMare before Christmas, when all through the loss not a creature was stirring, not even a ghost. The stockings were hung by the chimney without care, in hopes that Sandy Claws soon would be there... But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Terrible Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Howdy home, here I come, and happy Dirtday, Criss!

That’s it, the damn report is done and submitted, I’m almost done with the packing and I’m a few hours away from leaving for home! ^^ I can’t stay at one place now, still don’t realize I’m going home today… well, not exactly today, but I’m going to the airport and that’s one step closer to home. It started to snow here this morning and it’s all white now – nice try, but it won’t keep me here, there’s more snow where I’m going. The only problem is that there’s a sliiight possibility to cancel our flight or to land at another airport due the “heavy” snowfalls – ah, yeah, and the whole day we’re gonna spend waiting at the airport. It’s so annoying – the waiting, the travelling, and I can’t stop worrying that something might happen – every time I want something good to happen, it turns the other way around. But let us stay positive and optimistic (I haven’t been like that in ages, but I have to give it a try).

Before I forget, I also want to use the opportunity of writing in my blog for the last time this year here in the UK to say happy Dirtday to Criss Angel! The world still needs a little magic, so keep on doing your thing, Criss!

Hmm, what else, what else…. I think this is pretty much it for now. Next time I write here, I’ll be home comfortably lazying around… if my plane doesn’t crash!

Blabbily, blabbily, blah

… I had a point a few hours ago, and now it’s gone. That’s what happens when I’m thinking of writing here for a few days and end up NOT doing it. Anyway, I have a lot of other points to make, so you’ll have to bear with that. First of all, my CDs collection increased again – with 30 Seconds To Mars’s “This Is War”. Great album! Can’t stop listening to “Stranger in a strange land”. As for the Christmas shopping, I think I’m done, but there are a few teeny tiny things left to get. I know Christmas have become too commercialized, but I’m not getting presents because I have to, oh, believe me, I would choose to do something more reasonable with my money than to get stuff that will eventually break. I’m doing it because I have a need to make people happy… which, I think, is a good thing. I don’t even care if they’ll get me something in return, I feel happy just by seeing them smile… even if this costs me bankruptcy.

Oh my dear, 13 more days…. It seems like the last days here are the hardest. I can’t stand it here anymore, everyone began to annoy me, every night I dream I’m already home, and it’s so real that when I wake up I get mad that I’m still stuck here. These last two weeks are going on for like forever. Can’t wait to write the effing report and start packing. Did I mention we have to sleep at the airport? Yeah, our train arrives at 1am and the flight is at 4pm the next day. I guess that would be… “fun”. I’ll have time to read the books I took from home which I haven’t opened since then.

Ah, I almost forgot – today is supposed to be Bulgaria’s university student’s day. If you ask me, it’s just another reason for them to get drunk. Besides, I don’t feel like partying on the day John Lennon was killed... (if I missed up the date, I'm gonna kill myself). I think they celebrate it here as well, but I still don’t care. “Parties”, the way most people understand it, are not my thing.

And I know it’s too late for me to say this, and many, many, many, many people have already said it, but…. VAMPIRES DON’T FUCKING SPARKLE!!!! When this piece of crap first came out, I didn’t think it would be a big deal… Now I’m beginning to develop a loathing against vampires. Here’s is something I can call commercialized. Everyone is obsessed with vampires now – what’s worse, they don’t even know what a real vampire is. Back home, I was sick of 13-year-old “spooky” girls drooling for some guy who apparently never washes his hair and sparkles like a diamond! It’s not that worse here, but the first thing you see on a bookshop’s window is the cover of a pathetic attempt to get rich fast. How come Anne Rice manages to write about vampires and doesn’t sell out? The vampire culture is supposed to be secretive and mysterious, and what did they do? They took it, chewed it, wrapped it in a pretty sparkling paper and turned it into the latest mainstream fashion! They managed to ruin another thing I like. Thank you, society! Thank you, Hollywood! Everywhere I look now, all everyone’s talking about is fucking Twilight (90%), True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Vampire Apprentice…. Some people will never learn not to stick their noses where it’s not their business. Vampire vegetarians… the last time I looked killing animals to feed yourself wasn’t considered vegetarianism. But what do I know, producers and writers know better, right? ….Right?

"You are my best friend, you are my only friend"

Okay, I’m not exactly done with all assignments. But I have the funniest report to do – I have to analyze songs! Which is exactly what I do with most AFI lyrics, so thank you for that, too, Davey! At least for that I’m prepared well. I wish I could choose the songs myself, but they listed them for us very conveniently. We have to see if there is a difference between the themes of lyrics from the 1950s and from 2000s. And imagine that, I have to analyze Rihanna’s “Umbrella”… ella, ella. xD They said the topic last year was about gangster rap, but some people found the lyrics TOO offensive and cried, so they had to change it to “What makes a number one hit?”. Well, it would be a fun pastime for the next 20 days. I have to write it now, ‘cause the deadline is the 11th of January and I won’t be here – I’ll be one extra week home. But at least I’ll have done it and won’t worry about it.

We’re going to a fair tonight. I’m not sure what the fairs here look like, but they’re probably like ours, without the crappy music and all the garbage… I hope! I’m also planning to start doing some Christmas shopping – I’m definitely not spending all my money on presents, but everyone I love will get something…. even if it’s the last thing they’ll get from me.

I watched “Mary and Max” the other night… and I cried like a baby! AGAIN! Something’s seriously wrong with me, ‘cause I’ve been crying to all animations I watch these days. We went to see “Up!” on 3D last week and I didn’t stop crying during almost the whole movie. I’m glad I had glassed on so no one saw me. Or maybe they’ve started to make the animations sadder. I have to make a list of all animations I’ve cried to. Let’s see:

1.Wall-E – check
2.Up! – check
3.Mary and Max – check http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkUI3SZyKCs
4.Kung Fu Panda - check
5.Lion King – check, check, check (whaat, I watched it last week, still counts)

Or probably it’s just me….. that would make more sense, I’m bipolar after all. xD
This is the most informative post I’ve written in a while, so it’s time for me to shut up and go examine my lyrics.

Happy Dirtdaaay!

During this time of the year this is the phrase I say most often. Today’s Jade’s Dirtday, so Happy Dirtday, Jade! Since I forgot to post the birthday lyrics the last two times, I’ll make up for that now. This is for all of you, guys, you’ve saved my life more times now than I can remember, so thank you, be well, and I hope I’ll see you soon! ^^

And tell me what really matters
Is it the money and the fame?
Or how many people might eventually know your name?
But maybe you touch one life
And the world becomes a better place to be
Maybe you give their dreams another day
Another chance to be free…

P.S. – I finished them! I just finished my last essay for this semester, I’m doooone! I still have to study, but at least it won’t be so stressful. And most of the seminars are over, no more going to the other campus, yaay! Now all I have to do is to count down the days… which are 23 by the way. I didn’t check the calendar this time, I am actually counting them down now. ^^

Happy Dirtdaaaay! (again)

I told you I’m gonna write again today. So Happy Dirtday to Ville Valo! I hope I’m gonna see HIM too some day, and as for Ville – all I wanna wish him is to be okay and to rock on as usual. Next album’s out on Valentine’s Day – what a “coincidence”. No need to worry about getting it at least. Anyway, Happy Dirtday, be well, be cool, careful with the smoking AND drinking! ROCK ON!

Happy Dirtday!

Yaay, Happy Dirtday to Davey!!! I know almost no one reads this, but I have to say it every time. All I want to wish him is to be okay aaand to put his lip ring back on xD I know they’ll be playing in Birmingham on the 12th of April, and Birmingham is like an hour and a half from here, so I reaaally, reaally hope I can go and finally see them. Well, that’s it from now, see ya in two days for the other Dirtday guy ^^

Wishlist

There is one thing I was going to write about here but completely forgot. While I was still in school, my two friends and I wrote a wishlist in our school chronicles for each one of us. The things we want to do before we die, or even things we can’t do, but can still dream about. I was going to put my wishlist here the same day we wrote them, but I shut down about that. Thank goodness that I took the chronicles here – everytime I miss my friends I read them – I don’t necessarily feel better but it kinda feels like they’re here for a moment. And today finally my wishlist will be published here – just in case something happens, you know… It was written on the 23rd of February aaand 9 months later here it is:

1.See all my favorite bands live (1 down, a lot more to go)

2.Skydive and/or bungee jump

3. Hear someone singing my lyrics…. sorry, my scribbles

4.Graduate from university

5.Survive 2012! (with all my friends)

6.Make the world a little better

7.Get at least 1 tattoo and piercing

8.Go to Finland, New Zealand and Oakland

9.Find a really cool looking dude for a boyfriend (By ‘cool’ we mean ‘dead-good looking’)

10.Be reincarnated (as a rockstar! xD) OR become a vampire ^^

Wow, they’re pretty stupid now when I look at them. But dreams don’t have to make sense, right?

76th post since I started this blog

Goood morning, Canada! No, I’m just joking – too much South Parking these days and now I’m blabbing nonsense. But actually it’s the only way to help me NOT lose my mind completely. So what’s new – I finally began to write my essay for the InterPol module – it’s about Realism, and writing itself is not a big deal, but all those rules how to reference, how to quote, how to cite really make me nervous. I sure hope I’ll do it right, ‘cause I don’t want to be accused of fucking plagiarism. On a brighter note, my CDs are increasing on a total of 2 every week. And it feels AWESOME! xD

I’m still bipolar, don’t think I’m okay now, after 5 minutes I’ll probably be feeling like crap. But apparently my friends think this is annoying – they can’t stand me when I’m hyper active, and they can’t stand me when I’m super-duper depressed. Fuck, I thought friends are supposed to support you, not to whine that I ruin their perfectly good mood. Hellooooo, find someone to explain to you how bipolarity works! It’s not my fucking fault, damn it. But I’m certainly not going to the doctor for this, ‘cause I might end up in the madhouse. Not that I don’t want to get out of here right now, but I’d prefer home to the funny farm. I have a month and one week left till we get home – no, I’m not counting down the days, I just checked. xD I’ll finish the essay today or tomorrow, then I have to make the damn report in psychology, then I have to write the other essay, again in psychology, and I’ll be done! Done for this semester, but at least I won’t have so many things to worry about.

If I haven’t said that before, my flatmates are insane! The other day one of the girls came to our room and said that it’s sparking clean. Wtf, if I see just one speck of dust on the floor, it’s dirty to me. And I thought I’m a messy person and wasn’t raised well. Who knew making your bed in the morning is a big deal. Anyway, they’re still cool and funny.

Did I mention I have voodoo dolls? 4, to be precise. They’re very cute, they sell them here at Store 21 for one pound each and whenever I go there to buy something, I get one. So if someone pisses me off, all I’ll need is just one hair of their head and some needles – and I already have the needles. xD Naah, I’m kidding, I wouldn’t do voodoo to someone, my karma is bad enough anyway. Wow, this post became too long, time to go watch South Park!

Bloody hell!

I just donated blood. I fulfilled my moral duty for today – never been more proud of myself! And I got stickeeers! ^^ The good part is I didn’t feel dizzy or anything. The bad part is…. we went too early and had to wander around for an hour…. in the damn wind. But everything ended well, so it’s ok. Gonna watch a zombie movie now, catch ya later!

P.S. – I started to write here too often, didn’t I?

Disturbed, Used, Refused, Lost, Forgotten

Imagine that, I wrote something! I’ve been coming up with separate verses and lines, but couldn’t actually find a way to put them together. Until today – after a few finishing touches my new piece of crap is done. And it’s a long piece of crap. I guess all the psychological nonsense finally got to me so now I obviously have a split personality. I wish I had just that. I’m not myself these days (“not feeling myself” – another psychological crap). I’m more bipolar than ever, I think about home and all my friends there all the time, I’m alone most of the day, and lonely as a result, all my friends here have “someone” and screw me up most of the time…. I really don’t know how long I can last before I do something stupid to myself… but don’t mind me, it’s scribbles time!

We're falling through space
in a very slow pace.
Long, long ago we fell from grace
and now we're wandering around the maze...

Please applaud - this was the end of the beginning
Join our unholy choir now and we'll all start singing
It's about how me and myself began to fight one night
Just follow me to the end while I'll begin to cite.

"I'm the non-patriot, the bastard,
the holy bitch from hell.
Here's the story now uncut and mastered,
would you care for me to share what I have to tell?"

"I'll tell you what I'd care for:
I wanna see you play the victim,
I wanna see if it'll fit you.
I want you to bury your head in the sand,
I want you to want to take a fucking stand!"

"-I'm perfectly happy here, on the borderline,
I don't need the demonic, I don't want the divine
Instead, I have a desire for something fake,
I want, oh, I want to be a designer's mistake"

"You're bitching at me about Heaven and Hell,
you're bitching about having souls to sell,
you question the decisions of everyone else,
but when it comes to you, you play self-defense"

"And you're a pathetic little suicide
lost on the way to Wonderland,
day-dreaming about patricide,
oh no, it's not my head that's in the sand

Your days are numbered and you know it
You're the one who set the dead-line
I know you wanted to go home before it
but I'm afraid you don't have a lifetime

I can see your soul, I can see in your head
One of them is gone, the other one is dead
There's an avalanche behind you, you won't care to run
And I'm doomed to go with you - oh, why do you always kill all the fun?!"

"I owe you no explanation,
you're just hidden letters in my mind
A poor, sick, flawed brain creation
Here's what I see in your sight:

An upside down painting,
a house with no roof,
a poem without a beginning,
a friendship aloof"

"Save me your melodramatic bullshit
Pull the trigger if you dare
You won't find peace even in the hell's pit,
'cause you know what they said - home is nowhere!"

Zombie land

Halloween’s over, next stop – Christmastown. First I have to write two bloody essays and one bloody report, but once that’s over, I can breathe freely and anticipate my coming home for the holidays. But now the story from Halloween.

After we, the girls, put make-up on all the guys, we went out at around 9pm. Our first stop was the beach. There we had a little encounter with two female cops, because some of the guys had alcohol in their hands, and it’s not allowed to drink on the streets, so they took their details. I’ve never been happier that I’m straight edge. After that we went to a bar, ‘cause most of the group wanted to go and get drunk properly, but it wasn’t opened yet, so we headed to the castle ruins…. And who do you think we met there? Our two sweet female police officers, who were checking the castle in case someone had gone there to do something weird which they don’t do just on Halloween. There were some girls sitting on a bench who called us ‘fucking emos’ – yes, they were high. I don’t think we looked like anything even close to emos that night. Anyway, we took some pictures at the castle, went back to the beach for more pictures, aaand then back to the bar at which point I wished the guys farewell and went back to my room, ‘cause I was tired, I was cold, the white thing on my face was sticky and I wanted it off immediately, plus I have no business doing in a bar, do I? On the way back I saw enough zombies, witches and sluts. If you ask me, Halloween is an excuse for the whores to act like whores. For me, it’s an excuse to wear as much black make-up as possible. xD So I got home (‘home’ is definitely not the word I would use to describe the place I live now, but it’s the shortest), took my face off and kept my tradition to watch my favorite, favorite movie – The Nightmare Before Christmas. I almost fell asleep at the end, but I managed to keep my eyes opened. I went to bed at 2, woke up at 11:30 and was sleepy the whole day. At 2:30 my friend, one of our roommates and I went to see Toy Story in 3D. It was my first 3D experience, but the movie wasn’t very suitable, ‘cause there weren’t many things ‘in the air’. We’re gonna se Up soon, so I hope it will be better. There you go, that’s enough for me not to write for a whole week.

Happy Hallo-bloody-weeeen!!!!!!

Finally! The one day I live for during the whole year – it’s Halloween! And I’m gonna celebrate it properly for the first time! ^^ I just can’t wait for the evening to come so I can dress up and go out to scare people – yeah, I know, I’m acting like a child, whatever. I got so many decorations – skeletons that glow in the dark, flashing pumpkins, skulls in cages, scary signs…. I got a vampire cape for me, some make up, fake blood…. and I still feel like I don’t have everything. Probably if I buy everything in the stores, I would feel more prepared…. and broke. xD I’ll tell more probably tomorrow and post some pictures that hopefully won’t scare someone to death. xD Have a spooky day, a terrific trick-or-treating, and an infernal night! I’m off preparing – Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ^^

P.S. – Yes, I know the last word is missing a letter in the end, it’s deliberate.

One month down, a lifetime to go

Today’s the one month anniversary since we arrived in Aberystwyth. And the chances of me getting used to all this are still vague. It’s also my grandma’s birthday today, so Happy Birthday, grandma! I would kill to be home right now. And all the bureaucratic crap, documents, assignments try to bring me down. A friend of mine just told me: I don’t know what to tell you except the good old cliche, “Don’t worry, things will get better”. I wish I had a remote to fast forward to that day. Everyone else around me seems to be getting used to this situation much easier than me. But I’m holding on – slipping on every third step, but still holding on. I haven’t had time to think about any new scribbles, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll write something anytime soon except essays and reports… Well, whatever, enough whining for tonight, I hope tomorrow will be a better day… or else!

The Balance-Sheet

I have facebook now. That’s the accident that happened as a consequence of my birthday. I got so tired of so many people whimpering, “Joe, you MUST have facebook, make an account, we need to know you’re alive, bla-bla-blaa”…. that I ended up making the effing thing. And they won’t leave me alone now – every 5 minutes someone comments something or likes something….. I’ve received around 30 e-mails in a row from facebook since yesterday. The birthday itself was cool. We did go to the beach, but it was too cloudy and all we saw from the sunset was this:

Then we went to a pizza take-away, bought 3 large pizzas and went back to the kitchen in our dormitory. Our flatmates had got me a cake which was really cute, they stayed around for an hour or so and we finally had a picture together.



Then most of them went out, we stayed up till around 3 o’clock slobbering. And my presents – oh, my presents… Before we left Bulgaria, I told my friends I only want CDs and books for presents…. and they listened to me!



Actually, I bought the two above, they were presents from me for me. ^^ And I ordered AFI’s December Underground from the music store. I love to have the opportunity to get the music I want legally. It warms my black little heart… xD

Happy Dirtday to meeeeee

Yaaay, Happy Dirtday to meee! ^^ If you’ve forgotten, I sure haven’t. xD Yesterday I didn’t even want to think about it, but my mood got better after a little shopping…. women. xD My B-day wishes began at 10pm British time ‘cause it was already 12 o’clock in Bulgaria, and when it got 12 here I was just getting ready for bed. 5 minutes after my friend and I had gone to sleep, we heard the whole flat coming in front of our door and starting to knock. When I realized they won’t leave, I opened the door and they began to sing. ^^ It was soooo cuuute… And after that they said: See you in the morning!, and disappeared. I was afraid to tell them I have a birthday, buut my friend did it first… ‘by accident’. Now I don’t even want to think about what could happen here tonight – those people just look for an occasion to get drunk. And I don’t even know what I’m gonna do today – all we want to do is go to the beach for the sunset, but looking at the weather outside, we may never see it. And I’ll get my present(s) tonight, so until then it’s just an ordinary day more or less. Man, I’m still 19! I feel so… tiny. My last teen year – gonna be fun. So what do I wanna wish myself… hm, do well in university for sure, be more courageous, find cool new friends, keep the old ones, get all AFI CDs, ‘cause for now I just have two xD ……. What else…. be happy is the cliche, so it should be said…. ah, of course, go to AFI concert(s), change the world is the other cliche…. That’s it for now. Pray I’ll survive this day. ^^

 

Then tell me what really matters

Is it the money and the fame

Or how many people might eventually know your name

But maybe you touch one life

And the world becomes a better place to be

Maybe you give their dreams another day

Another chance to be free

You won’t be young forever

It’s only a fraction to the sum

You won’t be young forever

Nor will anyone

So look at your life

Who you want to be before you die?

Look at your life

What you want to do?

Look at your life

Who you want to be before you die?

Look into life

It all comes back to you

Haaaappy Birthday, Haaaaappy Birthday………

There’s just the sea now….

I had… probably the worst of all my nightmares in my life. I’m beginning to feel sorry I didn’t take my dream catcher from home. I was in a moving truck or a tank with a few more people, I don’t know if they were soldiers or something, but there were trucks all around us and the people there were shooting at us (this is what I get for studying InterPol), I was just lying down and trying to protect my body. Finally we crossed some line from where they told us would be safe. We ended up on a ferry, which were actually boats and rafts tied together, and I began to look for my mom. Suddenly I heard my father who was in one of the rafts saying: your mother isn’t here anymore, there’s just the sea now… And he said it completely imperturbably, like it was nothing! A few seconds later I saw my mom floating in the water next to the boats. I still didn’t believe it, and went next to her, and what do you think I tried to do? What all people who lose their loved ones try to do – wake her up. But then, fortunately I woke up and realized it’s all a fucking dream. Which didn’t stop me from crying and shaking all morning. I even called my mom to see if she’s ok. Now I’m doing all my best to stay calm ‘cause every time I think about it I begin to cry again. I’m sure it’s not that important for anyone except for myself, but I needed it written down somewhere. At least they say that when you dream about dead people, it brings you good luck…. certainly not on the morning after though!

Sick, Sick, Tic-Tac-Tic

Not the best time to get sick… I guess the damn British weather’s not doing me any good. And my mom… she didn’t even let me finish saying I’m coughing and she raised the alarm. Which of course got me more nervous. The symptom I hate most when I’m sick is being sour – absolutely everything gets on my nerves and you wouldn’t want to be around me then. I hope I’ll get better tomorrow ‘cause I hate when everyone thinks they’re doctors!

Anyway, my lectures began. My timetable is just ridiculous – I have approximately one lecture every day – and I’m studying 3 modules. Seminars start next week, so my timetable will increase with a tooootal of…. 2 things to do a day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining at all – we haven’t begun to study things properly, but it’s very interesting even now. Especially with Mr. Freud… the id, the ego, the superego, consciousness, preconsciousness, unconsciousness…. And all I have to do is just read my textbooks, while some of my friends have tons of computer programs to understand – they had an assignment the first week, to make a game of Hangman. So, no, I’m definitely not complaining about my timetable. However, I wouldn’t have minded having a little diversity on our flat. Almost all of our flatmates are British and are acting as if they’ve known each other for years, they’re just like one big, weird, happy family… And my friend and I are their veeeeeery distant Bulgarian relatives. They’re all nice, if we don’t count that they drink almost every night and I don’t drink at all. Maybe I’m just too introverted and have a hard time making new friends, I dunno. I’m even afraid to tell them my birthday is next week. Aah, my birthday – I almost forgot it’s coming. And I have abso-bloody-lutely no idea what to do then. Not the best place to be a non-drinker as well… At least I found a decent vegetarian store so it’s all good.

Man, I haven’t written any scribbles in ages! I have really let myself go. All the adjustment in a new place’s not doing me any good either. I hope that will end soon, ‘cause I can’t wait to write another piece of pure depression! xD

Welcome to Great Britain!

Well, I had the best day of my life… and now I had the worst. Getting to Aberystwyth was a total nightmare! I got here 4 days ago but now I have the time to sit down and pay some attention to this blog. So… 26th September 2009 – crying (again) at the airport in Bulgaria, the flight was like getting on a rollercoaster, and after that I was too busy running and dragging my damn suitcase. When we arrived at Gatwick airport we had one hour to catch our train. And we thought everything would be ok……. We spent 10 min or so walking through so many corridors I forgot where we were. Then of course I made a blunder. While they were stamping my passport I dropped something on the ground, kneeled down to pick it up and then my rucksack dragged me down…. and I fell on my butt. (Stop laughing damn it!) I broke my sunglasses, not that I need them here, it’s been cloudy ever since we arrived. So after the passport thingy we spent another 20 minutes waiting for our luggage, my suitcase handle was broken or course, and till we get to the train station, our train was gone. We asked if our tickets could work for a later travelling, I showed the ticked reference code and the card I bought them with online, the man checked in the computer…. and said this was not the card they were bought with and began to look at me as if I’m a violator or something. So we bought new tickets… and this is where the fun began. We had to catch a train to get to London bridge, from there we took the underground to get to Euston station, and from there we had to take the train to Birmingham. And the whole time we were running like hell and dragging rucksacks, laptops, suitcases weighing 30 kgs total up and down elevators and stairs… With just 2 hours of sleep the night before, I still wonder how we survived. When we took the Birmingham train we had an hour and a half to travel with it, so we managed to rest a little. From there we took the train to Aberystwyth, met other Bulgarians… and we got there… here, I mean. But it was horrible. I don’t know if I want to go back the same way for the Christmas vacation. Since then we’ve been going to seminars, welcome meetings, today we registered in the university, but I still haven’t got my timetables with my lectures so I’m still nervous. At least I managed to buy the new AFI CD – that’s all that matters. xD That’s it for now, wish me good luck in adapting to wherever I’ve fallen into.

A Farewell to Joe

Well, that’s it – my last night in Bulgaria. I knew it’s going to be tough, but this is just ridiculous – I haven’t stop crying for…. a week maybe, and today I saw my father cry for the second time in my life. It wasn’t funny even when he gave me ‘that’ speech. I’m not regretting my decision and I haven’t regretted it for one second… but it still sucks…. I’m not dying to get the hell away from my parents, but once I get on the plane, I think I’ll cool down – it will be all over. This week has been dragging so slowly, I just want it to end. So… that’s it from here. No scribbles, sorry, I couldn’t think of anything (actually, be happy, you don’t have to read another piece of crap xD – yaaay, a smiley face).

To all my friends who I hope will read this blog from time to time to see if I’m alive – I love you, I’ll miss you like hell, sorry for all the times when I hurt you…. I’ll see you soon :] Ah, Fuck It, I’m going on tour, see ya in 3 months!!!

A Calm Before the Storm

I forgot I have a blog, didn’t I? I’m not even that busy – just counting down the days left till I leave for university. 2 weeks left – yesterday were 2 months…time sure flies by. I’m getting more and more nervous by the minute. The good part is that I overcame the phase of wondering what the hell I’m doing and why I’m going there in the first place. But then I kicked my ass and got over it… at least I hope so. The studying part is not what freaks me out that much, it’s the whole “new place, new people, new whatever” thing. Never been a big fan of changes. But I know if I don’t do it now, I’ll regret for the rest of my life. Plus I won’t be losing my nerves all the time, I’ll have fun, have new friends, learn something useful, go to concerts….. buy CDs….. especially buy CDs. xD So I’ll have hard time for a few months and then I’m sure I’ll do something stupid like I always do. xD But I would have already got used to my new life… That sounded reaally weird.

I haven’t written anything in a very long time. As usual I have tons of ideas but no time to sit down alone with my thoughts to put them into another depressing scribble. Something always comes up, I have to get out of my house as fast as I can, or I’m just too tired/lazy to write something. I’m sure my muse will kick in as soon as I settle in university. There’s gonna be a lot of gloomy scribbles then, I’m sure. But for now I’ll try to enjoy what time I have left with my closest people here… and try to finally write something, damn it!

Slow Dance

I hate forwarded emails. I just hate when someone sends me something while they also send it to a bunch of other people asking me to send it to someone else in order ‘not the break the chain or you’ll die within 10 days’. It’s really stupid. BUT… I just read something I feel I should post here – I’m not even forwarding it, besides barely no one reads what I write here (hehe), so it’s ok. I don’t know how much to believe its background, but it’s said it’s written by a terminally ill girl dying from cancer in a New York hospital. But it doesn’t really matter who wrote it, what’s important is the poem itself and its message. So just read it and shut up for a while…

Have you ever
watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to
the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
Do you run through each day
On the
fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your
bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through
your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it
tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see
his
sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good
friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call
and say,'Hi'
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance
so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You
miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened
gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a
race.
Do take it slower
Hear the
music
Before the song is over.

Cat lover for life!!!

I just got bitten by a dog – by a fucking damn spaniel! It belongs to my neighbors and I took him out for walks while they were on vacation. And THIS is how it repays me – charming. Now I have to get ANOTHER vaccine, except the one I need for university. The phrase ‘bite the hand that feeds you’ is in full force today for me. The place on my leg where the bastard bit me got blue and bled a little. Man’s best friend my ASS!!!! I knew cats are the better breed the day I got my first one and I’m staying on their side to the grave! There’s a reason the Egyptians worship them. Besides, they’re independent and free-spirited and no one can tame them. Plus, there’s something dark in cats – you know, black cats, graveyards, voodoo and all that crap weirdos like me find fascinating. Dogs are just pathetic…. what was that joke: The dog thinks: ”Those humans do everything for me – they feed me, water me, play with me, take care of me – they must be gods.” The cat thinks: “Those humans do everything for me – they feed me, water me, play with me, take care of me – I must be god!” xD That’s why I always have too many cats at home – currently 8. But once the little angels grow up, they’ll go to a nice home…. most of them, at least… or else!

 

I haven’t written here in a looong time. So what happened during that time – I went to the seaside… with my parents. Initially, the plan was to go with my “friends”, but they all decided to screw me up and my summer was about to be ruined but then I went with my parents and at least got to spend 3 days with my Internet buddy…. So actually, I’d have to thank the traitors who first promised me something and then lied to me – they screwed one good thing, but gave me another one that was even better than them. And from now on, I’m becoming selfish – ‘every man for himself’ like Sawyer likes to say. And someday, karma will get back at them…. or I’ll help, who knows. They’ll understand what neglect is and they’ll know how it feels like to prefer your fucking boyfriend to them. Oh, yes, sweet revenge…

What else – I paid my first fee for my dormitory today. I had to call their office and pay by a debit card – my, I have to get used to that accent! I really love British accent, but the woman on the phone was too much. On top of that, she talked really fast and I had to ask her to repeat some things twice. But now everything’s done – no more payments till I get there. I just need to get my translated birth certificate and get an European health card. And get some vaccines in order not to get rabies. That…… bloody dog!!!! There’s something funny for and end – his name is Fluffy….

Saddest Word Ever

Well, what do you know, two posts for one day… Or not, it’s 4 minutes after 12 already. My muse came a little late, I guess. I have no intention of explaining my latest piece of crap, so just read along.

 

I've been on the track to the Great divide
a couple of times - that is how I've lost my mind
Going once, going twice, now I'm sold into slavery
to the big open world without any bravery

Imagine the crossroad of your life
with multiple directions, each pointed by a knife
There's the back - a dark room in your brain
There's ahead - a future going insane
There's right and left - people killing people
And there's you - alone, standing in the middle...

There's a rose bush in my home
that only blooms at the break of dawn
And I've got fireflies by the window,
and icicles in the snow
And I will give you ladybugs in a jar -
the best job I've done so far...

In the future, in the mirror
you will look at your eyes
and will not even remember
that I used to look in them too once

And the spiral will start spinning,
the sphere will keep on wheeling
One rose will fade, another one will flower
There'll be new figures on the board,
and the past will be devoured

The fireflies all flew away
to another window next to which to stay
Life has just begun, I know, and you'll forget about me
How foolish could we have been, for we did not see......

Aw, what a cute wittle baby!

I held a baby today for the first time in my life. No matter how little they are, babies are capable of what grownups aren’t – fixing someone’s mood. Mine, in particular. I don’t even know why I’ve been feeling like crap but having a new life around you can really kick out any suicidal thoughts you might be having and show you life IS worth living. Besides, they smell cute…. when their diper’s not full. I could barely hold the little guy – he was so small I was afraid not to break him. Lucky kid – still doesn’t know anything about selfishness or malice. Aaaand I’m going down to my hole again… I have to be around babies more often… which doesn’t mean I want one of my own. I’m not very sure I have a way with kids. Maybe because most kids I see every day don’t fit the phrase “Children are our future”. Whoever thought of toy guns is a fucking bastard. And people who don’t know how to raise kids shouldn’t have ones. But the point is – every new life brings joy and shows you there are more important things than your weekly depression, your boredom, your attention seeking and your melodramatic bullshit. Babies don’t care how good you are at being a drama queen – they need you to teach them how to be better than you….

Gradually Graduated

Well, now it’s official – I mother fucking graduated! Too bad they didn’t give us of those square hats to throw in the air. I didn’t even went in front to get my diploma, because…. I got it three days ago. And since then it’s been translated, sent to be legalized aand sent to the university so that my conditional offer can become UNconditional. It was a strange day yesterday – I crossed half the city for just 10 minutes, took the diploma to the agency that helps me with the documents for the university – the agency is in ANOTHER town – met with a girl there that is also going to study in Aberystwyth, and was home by 6pm. After so much hurrying and nerve loss I was surprised I wasn’t more tired than I actually was. And today was probably the last day I ever saw my class together and I ever went to school, I guess. Oh, oh, oh! My dream came true! I had a dream last week about my Literature teacher shaking my hand for the full A on the Literature matriculation. And that finally became true today! I was early, as usual, at school and when she came she saw me and came to me and my mother, shook my hand and began to praise me. Ha! Praise me now, when she finally saw what I’m capable of. I’m telling you (if I haven’t before) – I’ll do something so that they’ll remember me for good. I’ll burn down the school if I have to, but they’ll remember! xD Despite all that, it was a sad moment. I almost began to cry on the way home, but somehow managed to get myself together. I hate long goodbyes. And this one is taking far too long and will continue till September. If I don’t kill myself till then. xD

"Helooooo, Budapest!"

I’ll say just one thing – Romania rocks!!! Yesterday was just great. Bukuresht is an amazing town. We first visited Nicolae Ceauşescu’s palace. Our guide said it’s the second biggest building in the world after the Pentagon, and if we don’t count Pentagon’s secret premises, it is the biggest. We entered some of the halls for press conferences, including the tallest hall there. From it we went out on the balcony that has a front view towards their square which they call the Romanian Champs-Élysées. The guide told us it’s probably bigger than the French one. He also told us not to tell that to any French. Speaking of the guide, he was veery cute and one of my friends really liked him and wanted to take a picture with him. After the tour he wanted us to write our e-mail addresses so we can send him the photo. Back to the balcony - Nicolae Ceauşescu never went out on it, but the only celebrity that did was Michael Jackson. He went out, looked down at the crowd, took his hat off, and said: Hello, Budapest! The crowd began to hoot at him and he went in immediately. After that little story no famous person has ever shown their face on the balcony. The tour lasted one hour and for that time we could only visit this part of the palace:




A few years ago some kid got lost there and they couldn’t find him 3 days.

The next stop was the Museum of the village. Again we had just one hour to look around and again it wasn’t enough. Then we had some free time – if 4 hours is considered ‘some’. So we went to the mall. Believe me, it’s really hard to order something to eat if no one there speaks at leaast a little English. Still, we managed to get some pizza. And then we went home. I skipped some annoying parts where we waited for some people of the group more than the appointed time, or where I almost got sunstroke. But it really was a nice trip. After I saw Romania, I came to the conclusion that – non-patriotic or not – Bulgaria is not more beautiful or more advanced. Now I’m even more ready to leave it. Here’s some pictures from Bukuresht. The order is as it follows: The beautiful blue Danube (1), The view from the palace (2,3), The palace itself (4), A little ducky swimming in the lake in the Museum of the Village. (5,6)

Monday’s Black

Man, boredom could really be… boring. I’m so bored, I ended up with a MSN messenger. I’ll need it at university so you could say it’s something useful.

I went to Varna last Thursday, where I’m born because I needed to make a copy of my birth certificate for university and that can only happen at the municipality of the city you’re born. It wasn’t a bad day, if you don’t look at it from a skirt point of view, from a waiting point of view and from a beeping point of view. First, I wore a black skirt with white stars all over it, but I noticed too late that this thing is too short for me. So the whole day I was worried about the wind, about bending and other unpleasant situations like that. Next – the municipality experience wasn’t very nice either. First I waited 10 min and when it was my turn and I said I wanted a copy of my birth certificate, they made the copy…. on the copy machine! And even wanted money for that! Only after paying did they explain that I actually needed a dublicate. So I waited a little more, paid a lot more and finally got what I went for in the first place. Then my friends and I went to the city mall…. and then the ‘thing’ happened. Like most girls do, we went in and out the shops and there was no problem… at first. But when I went into the technology store, the sensors at the door that beep if something’s stolen began to… well, beep. The salesmen there just let me go in and then go out, but the same thing happened in a clothing store. I was already panicked, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. The saleswoman there asked for my bag and scanned it. Something in there beeped and she said everything was ok, it was probably something that hadn’t been scanned when I’d bought it before. I came to the conclusion it’s my body spray. My bag didn’t beep again, but I was afraid to go into any store after that. When we came back home it began to rain, but the sky was patient enough to wait for me to get into a taxi. I’ll think twice before wearing a skirt next time.

Apart from that, nothing exciting is happening around here. I’m getting a laptop these days, so I hope it will keep me busy. The next post will be delivered by HP Compaq!

Friend Of A Friend

Soo the elections... Waking up at 4 am just like I thought, doing almost nothing from 7am to 8 pm just like I thought, wondering how to shoot myself just like I thought, staying awake for 20 hours just like I thought.... Add the heat and you'll understand it wasn't very pretty. At least I had some laugh, aand I'll have to do it again next month... this time I'll take my laptop to prevent me from suicide. I still haven't bought it and I'm already planning what to do with it... It's strange for someone who lives day by day. Aaanyway, a new scribble was born tonight. I'm considering giving it for adoption - it's kind of crippled. And moody, but that's nothing new. Aaand there it is.

Hello, wake up - this is reality.
No pain, no gain - what a diversity.
I once knew one who used to say to me
that everything would be fine under the apricot tree.

Who am I? Am I fine?
Do I look okay in summer time?
And who are you? What's your name?
It's funny, I only remember your nickname from the game.

The light annoys us, so we'll shoot the moon.
We hate the sun, so may darkness come soon.
We don't want to grow up, so we'll kill the time.
Responsibility's a bitch - is that a crime?

We're so far away from long, long ago
when the heroes closed their eyes just for a second or so.
When the good wasn't fashioned to the next convenient trend
When it didn't have to die to become an urban legend.

So where's the fucking bastard who said everything would be fine?
'Cause I have a few things to tell him before I break his spine.
He's a top class deceiver with a classy sharp cleaver
Chopping off dreams in the dark and biting with the teeth of a shark.

The next time you're spinning round under an apricot tree
Don't forget to look up and you should see -
The sky won't be completely blue like the sea
and everything won't be fine - he lied to me.

Reflection Day

The matriculation results are out! Actually, they're out from yesterday, buuut I don't see any point in telling that. I have 6.00 in Literature which is full A, and 5.93 in English which.... you can figure out how much it is. I expected higher results in Literature, but not that high - so in your face, old-lady-who-used-to-teach-us-literature-and-said-we-would-not-make-it! (Why didn't I just write her name?) The point is, we're so going to Wales! I've already been there a dozen times... in my dreams. And it always ended up wrong - losing luggage, splitting with the group... Hopefully that won't happen when we really get there. Hey, here's something funny - tomorrow I have to go and conduct a survey with colleagues of my father about the damn elections. I have to get up at 4am and I won't move from there from 6am till 7pm. At first, I wanted somebody to shoot me, but I'll have books with me, my life-saving mp3 player, a laptop, aand I'll be making people do the same mistake twice (a.k.a. vote). And the best part is, I'll have to do it again in July! Is that fun or what?! Ah, and my heart has been aching for the whole day. It's strange, cause there's nothing wrong with it.. my doctor said so.. or was it my mother? Anyway, it's probably from all the Coca-Cola, but I have reduced its intake lately, so.... my heart is just twisted! xD I haven't written anything in a very long time... I wonder if I still have 'what it takes', if I ever had it. I hope to come up with something soon, because summer has been pre-tty boring so far.

I shot the prom queen

Aaaaand the prom's over too. The night we had expected for 5 years ended like 5 minutes. I couldn't believe it's happening and I now I have to cope with the thought it's all over. And I thought it would be a long night. I, who always gets early everywhere, got early at my own prom - actually I was the first one there, buuut at least I had the best prom date - with Wayne Static-like hair. While we were at school it was crazy - a whole bunch of people with so many cameras - "Look here! Now look there! Smile at the camera! Smile at the other camera! Turn around! Change your shoes! Walk the red carpet! Don't stop smiling!..." I felt like we're movie stars, and my mouth hurt from so much smiling. We got to the restaurant around 8:30pm and everyone spent the first one hour taking pictures with their friends and wondering who else to take pictures with. After that, the time just flew. I even danced to things I would never imagine even listening to. And suddenly, with the click of the fingers, it was 2:30am. Most of the people went to the disco, some friends and I began to walk around the town and finally went to the only open gas station to have some coffee and hot chocolate. We stayed till 5 and when it began to dawn, we decided to quit waiting till 8 to go and ruin the classes at school. Instead, we spent an hour shivering and looking for a taxi to go home and get some damn sleep. Those damn cabs are nowhere to be found when you need one at 6 o'clock in the morning! Finally we saw one and I got in. Of course, it was locked at home and I had to go in the summer kitchen and fell asleep with the most uncomfortable dress. I woke up after two hours only to change beds. After 6 more hours I realized they weren't enough 'cause I've been sour since then. Now I have one looong summer to sleep it out, see my friends as many times as I can and do whatever I can think of before leaving for university. I'm telling you, the only problem with time is that it passes!
P.S. - I'm the redhead in the middle.

Thursday I don't care about you...

Aaaand my second matriculation is over. No more tests at all in the near future. Speaking of tests, that one was completely awful. The level of difficulty was 7-8th grade, but I haven't done so easy things in a long time that I felt like I've never studied English in my life. I have more mistakes than I do on the Bulgarian test - and I thought I didn't have to worry about the English. It's not fatal though, but I don't know how they're gonna evaluate my essay. Ah, the essay! That was the stupidest and shortest crap I've ever written! Plus, the word limit was 170 words. 170! I can't write a proper beginning with just 170! After I finished it, it contained 258 words, so I had to cut it... a lot. The topic I chose was to describe some adventure I would never forget and I wrote about The Rasmus concert, since it was my first big concert and the most perfect day. Well, after I cut the story it didn't look like the most perfect day at all, because I had to erase most of it. I also forgot some simple grammar rules and spent about half an hour thinking about that. Good thing I didn't choose the other topic - "Do stars have hearts?". If I start philosophizing about that, I'd need around 1000 words. Two of my friends wrote on it and they wrote that stars have split personality. Hilarious, but also true. Ah, I almost forgot. The invigilators in our exam room screwed up the listening. From what I heard, that happened in all of the rooms. They stopped the tape recorder after the first listening - apparently they didn't know the pause is also recorded. So we lost 15 minutes in wondering how dumb they are and then listened to the text two more times. Oh, did I mention the recording was damn low? I could barely hear it, and I was on one of the front desks. Anyway, I hope none of those things has prevented me from doing the test the right way.
Hey, I saw a black bunny in the pet store - it was soo cute and furry. With cute and furry price too. And I have a new haircut for the prom - with a couple of red locks. No one could recognize me yesterday - in a good way, though. They all said it suits me and that's the way I have to cut my hair from now on. Surprisingly, I agree.
Our class went to our teacher's house yesterday to perform a serenade for her. We stayed till midnight and it was fun. One girl is really good at imitating our teachers and she gave us a little performance. I cried from laughing so hard. The two machos in class decided it would be funny to wear the dresses of our teacher and take pictures with them. It was. I don't think I've had so much fun with my class for those 5 years. After we left some of my friends walked with me to the taxis. One of the machos got drunk and was blabbing shit during the whole time. The guy that will study with me in Aberystwyth held me 'cause I was wearing a summer dress and was freezing like hell. Our skirt chaser told him not to take me for a girlfriend because I'm like the black widow. I guess it was a compliment.
And for a conclusion, I think I had a dream last night about getting sick with the flu. The swine flu. Wasn't very nice....
P.S. - Even for that post I must've used about 1000 words!

Sunday Went Mute...

Back from the dead... My matriculation exam in Bulgarian was today. And it's finally over. I hardly slept last night, woke up about 3 times and finally got up half an hour before my alarm clock went off. No more Bulgarian exams and weird literature for me unless I want to read weird literature for fun. One more exam left - on Tuesday in English. Thought I don't want/need/have the nerve to study for it too. When it comes to tests, I'm usually better in English than in Bulgarian. Plus the level will be waay below Proficiency, so I hope I won't screw it up. And today's test was easy - I have only 1 mistake. We'll see how I did with the essay part. Essays are my strength, but in English. Well that's about it for today. I'm behind with the scribbles, buut I have the whole summer ahead. I might even write two, who knows...

Happy Dirtday to you...

Aaand Happy Dirtday to Hunter from AFI! I tried to think of something smart to write here, but then sort of fell asleep. So... I really hope that album will finally come out someday, and if it does after I leave for university, I hope it would be the first thing I'll buy in Wales. I've told all my friends that if they're going to get me presents, only CDs and books are allowed! ^^ But THIS CD I'll buy by myself, cross my heart! (which hasn't been in a very good condition lately)

...and we'll be dancing like we're crazy in the fields, under the rain...

It rained today. Finally. And I got all wet. Finally. We picked the vegetarian menu for the prom. Finally. Aaand I got tired of that word (finally). I almost got hit by a car. By a police car. The fucking bastard saw I started crossing the street and didn't stop. Instead he headed straight at me. Good thing he decided to stop on time. I didn't see my life on film though. I found a Jack Skellington badge on the street and with it my Jack Skellington badges now are..... around 5. I had to change my cell's number, because the old one kinda expired. I've changed my number about 6 times for... 6 years. The last one lasted the most. That's why I gave up remembering them - I know a new one would come sooner or later. Ah, one of my kittens bit my finger while I was feeding her. With meat. Obviously I won't give her meat from my hand or she'll be forced to become a vegetarian like her siblings. They didn't even smell it. I named one of them this afternoon. The only male. Charlie. My mom asked, "Why don't you name him Jack?" I said, "'Cause he's still alive." LOST still rocks.

School and Braces free!

Well, now it's official - today I finished school. Now I'm an adult just according to documents. I'm still a 5-year-old who wonders what the hell is happening around her. So today was a bittersweet day... or most of it. At school we basically did nothing else except writing wishes on our T-shirts. I made my friend Lin cry just because of the "It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life." quote. Her, Anita and I stayed last in the classroom, took pictures, until we finally decided we had to crayon and vandalize something to leave our mark. So we did. And it was fun. And then it was over. Then I had my fucking braces finally removed - now my teeth are kinda naked. After that I went to a circus in the afternoon. It was fun, until someone ruined my bitersweet mood and left me just bitter. And now it's crying time. The title was supposed to be "Friday I'm in love", 'cause it really was a great, fucking, last school day. But as I said, it was ruined. Problems just wait for you to get the hell out of school to hit you right in the face. That's it for now, I'll write again when I'm not so bipolar.

April 31st

So I've been thinking of writing something ironic and sarcastic, something fun, and.... I still haven't written it. But I will! I promise, I will, I just need a few more ideas. Instead, I wrote something with the intention to be childishly jolly, but when I finished it and read it, it made me sad. And still does. I don't know, I just came up with it, and it was easy to write, maybe because I have the mind of a 5-year-old and all 5-year-olds dream of simple things that are not that difficult to be done, and still most of them never become true. That's how I came up with the title. And, yes, I know there is no such date - that's exactly what I was aiming at. Have a nice reading, people. :]

Hey, look! It's spring already!
And everything will be fine, right?
Just like you told me?

And the children will be swinging,
they'll be innocent again,
and we'll be dancing like we're crazy
in the fields, under the rain

And we'll be drawing on the walls
like we're 5-year-olds,
and for a day we'll be one,
and for a day no one will fall

And our dreams will come true,
and we'll run with no shoes,
we'll be singing on the roof,
the sky will be completely blue

We won't be scared anymore,
we won't fear anything at all,
stars will lead us with their glow,
there'll be no abysses below

All the troubles in the world
will be buried with three words,
and for once we won't be scums,
there'll be no wars and they won't be whores

Time will stop at 13 o'clock,
no forth, no back, no more tic-tac
Hell and heaven will not matter,
there'll be no before, there'll be no after

And the waves will come to say "Hi"
and the sea won't wash us over by
The sun will keep us warm and dry
we'll chase sunbeams to catch the rye...

Oh, look - it's spring already...
And everything will be fine, right?
Just like you told me.......


P.S. - Hey, I have a bench swing! My mom and I wanted one so much and my parents finally bought it yesterday. We put it together... a couple of times. And then we had to put the swing itself inside 'cause it started to rain, and still is. But it'll be great in summer - I'll have a cool place to read. ^^

Happy Dirtday to you...

Yay, finally a Birthday guy! ^^ Lauri has a Diirtdaay, so Happy Dirtday, dude! It would have been great if their concert here was sometime like... today, but at least I saw them live. Aaaand, that's pretty much it, nothing else to say, except - have many other birthdays, Lauri, and each new one happier than the previous. Aand I hope to see you again at many other concerts... preferably not in Bulgaria next time. Rock on!

Another day, another victim

There we go, a new scribble. The bastard took me 3 hours to finish, but it's done and I don't want to talk about it anymore... at least for now, it gave me a fucking headache.

I try and wonder how they feel, being stabbed with a thousand knives
I've forgotten to remember things I once guarded with my life
Funny story it is, we don't always hold the winning hand
We think we're alive but our souls are long gone dead

Medical surveys say: people generally don't care -
start believing it or vanish - you're poisoning the air
Unaware victims don't need more victims to compare
Snow storms in December don't need rain to cause despair

We don't oppose, we fail,
we wait in line somewhere to enter
Heads down, make no sound, in vain -
all our sins come home sooner or later

Then they tell you, "You'll be judged",
and till you take your guilt no fains are grudged
They make you face their makeshift gods
and live by rules that long ago began to rot

He used to be my quiet friend,
now He is my biggest foe
I cried, I begged, I made amends,
still I got no answer from Him at all.

I never asked Him to die for me,
but that only the Bringers of Light could see
I trust them more than His pathetic plea
He gives nothing but still asks for fee

I am nobody's servant, I am nobody's slave,
I don't want your fucking sacrifice inscribed on my grave!
I need no repentance, I need no remorse
I'd rather freeze in hell than bow down to your cross

They say ideas are bulletproof - ah, what a shame!
You're nowhere to be found to be judged and blamed.
So I won't shoot my gun,
but you watch out - I still may use it just for fun

Happy Easter!

Never, I mean, NEVER, get on a hammock with another person (the neighbours' 11-year-old twin girl to be more precise)! Otherwise you'll fall on your back from approximately 50 cm and for a split second you'll understand what it is to be paralysed. We went to the woods to celebrate Easter with the neighbours and they made us a makeshift hammock. I was on it, listening to music, perfectly calm and chill and all of a sudden one of the mites got on it too and started swinging like crazy, aand... the rest is history. After I realised I was on the ground, I wanted so bad to cry the first 15 seconds, 'cause I couldn't move, I didn't feel the low part of my back, and after that I just started to laugh. 7 people were watching me, what could I do, cry like a baby? And this damn kid didn't even say 'sorry'! Yeah, she fell too, but on me! Now I can't stop ouch-ing every time I stand up, or sit down, or just stay at one place. I'm definitely not gonna last for very long. With my luck, I'll be dead by 25. I won't be surprised if those two little twin devils have something to do with it again! When they moved here 6 years ago, we went on holiday together and they knocked me on the head with a rock while I was snorkeling on the beach and didn't even see them! I was dizzy for an hour. Oh, how I hope they'll get the same thing I got from them. It would be a dream come true if some cuute 8-year-old twin girls move next to their house and they have to be their baby-sitters. The only bad thing is that.... I won't be here to gloat over of joy! I'm a cold-hearted bitch with an enormous backache, and, like Johnny says, "I'm the villain in this fucking story!!!", so I don't wanna hear any complaints!

Whining is a very funny thing too. I'm glad it doesn't happen very often. It's just that loneliness likes to take the floor every once in a while, but I keep it locked up (most of the time). Riiiight... my loan papers for my university fee are filled, signed and almost delivered - but most importantly, done. A friend of mine and I have to make a website for our Information Technologies class so we decided it would be about our beloved future home - Aberystwyth... Man, if I don't type it fast, I forget how it's spelled! :D Good the locals call it just "Aber". I searched for info last night and found a very amusing quote about it: "Aberystwyth - a perfect place for the unambitious people." Still, it has all its Gothic architecture, and seaside, and Devil's Bridge.... I have a pretty selective memory, huh? Boy, no new scribbles and it's been more than a month - I'm losing my "gift". All I have is one line that I'm not angry enough to advance. At least I've been reading a lot lately. Aand, I have a new obsession - when I see money, my first thought is to go to the book store and buy a bunch of... pens. :D :D :D I think I already said that, but nothing wrong with repetition - I indeed bought 3 books with my scholarship, completely spent it 5 minutes after I got it. And I started to read two books at a time. Somebody stop me! (No, really, don't, that's (one of) the best obsessions I've ever had) All the books are by Mr. Pratchett - I decided I'll read "1984" in English when I get to Wales. Now I have 6 books and the whole summer ahead. Oh, did I mention I now have C in Literature? Apparently, our beloved teacher likes to take it out on the whole class because two of her favorite students decided not to go to the national Olympiad. It hurts to be ignored...
Just one term-test left - tomorrow, Spanish, but my brain stopped functioning about anything connected with school months ago. And now, since I'm being constantly distracted, I'm ceasing to write this post, because I began an hour ago. Hey, it's raining outside! Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^

Right... I have A on my Literature term test...one of the few who got As... And I have 80 out of 100 points on the matriculation, which is also A again. It's nothing to be extremely proud of, 'cause you know what are "the limitations of standardized testing - you get F, 'cause you don't obey like a circus monkey." And I've definitely been better than now... last Monday problem comes back... Loneliness is eating me inside out.... hm, that's a good line for an emo song. And even though my friends are back at school, they can be really cruel when they want to. They wanted to piss me off as a joke, and they made it, so congratulations to them. They don't seem to realize they're all I have and the only people I can talk to, and when they make something like that and call it 'a joke', it fucking hurts! Fucking highschool.... it ruined all my common sense, if I ever had one. I'm beginning to think it won't be that bad to graduate and leave... I guess I'm the only one who takes things that seriously and gets hurt all the time, just because I can't be cold-hearted bitch all the time - yeah, cold-hearted bitches get tired and hurt too! Whatever, no one need to read my whimpers, so I'm shutting up. Fuck me, I'm a crap.

Spring Break

EMOtional breakdowns are a funny thing. And they're even funnier when you find out they're... what happens every 28 days... I had an extremely bad start of the week. I was all alone (and lonely) on Monday and Tuesday at school, all my friends were having exams, and I had absolutely no one to talk to. Finally on Monday evening I got to the point when I just couldn't handle it anymore and started to cry like a baby. The same was on Tuesday, but we only had 3 classes and I didn't have to stand that dull fucking pain inside for very long. And on Wednesday I finally found the reason for being so fucked up... or the reason found me. Before that I was alone and I cared about it - now even if I'm alone (OR lonely), I don't give a shit. I'm Iron Maiden Joe again, the Ice Queen again, Joe the Homi/Suicidal Maniac again... whatever you choose. My spring break was totally ruined, I didn't go anywhere, I didn't see anybody I wanted to see... There was a possibility to go to Greece with my cousins, but that failed too. The only good thing is I'm getting my prom dress tomorrow (Saturday) I and will take advantage of my mom's shopoholism. One of the few feminine characteristics I have - shopping... and it's a good therapy. Well, that's it. I'm still thinking about writing that story, but without the rhymes on my side, I'm not that certain. I heard from somewhere that you can be a good poet at 15, but to be a good writer you need experience. Well that definitely doesn't apply for my friend, who's an ass-kick writer and he's only 17. But after all, you need to have a gift first, everyone can gain the experience. So... I'll keep thinking. Byezz!

Tea and routine

Still alive, still not challenging fate. My try-out matriculation exam in Literature is over... it was 3 weeks ago and the results still aren't out. I think I'll have a good mark, 'cause I fucking need it. My term test, in Literature again, was today, and I totally awesomed it! (like our American teacher likes to say) Or at least I think so. One of my friends gave me another book by Terry Pratchett, 'cause she has it twice. I really enjoyed Witches Abroad and now I have another book to make me laugh. ^^ I'm planning to buy at least 3 books by Pratchett with the next scholarship, unless I find "1984" - then Mr. Pratchett will have to wait for a while. I've been thinking of writing a story - no rhymes this time. I have this picture in my head, abso-bloody-lutely perfect for an opening scene in a movie. But I have to work on it. Our spring break will be shorter than the others','cause we're 12th grade and all and we have exams and all, buuut at least we will be done on May 8 unlike the others, so in your face, freshmen! And I'll have a whole summer wondering what to do, maybe I'll find some kind of a job, while all my friends will be having exams and crap. I feel like an outcast at school with them - all they talk about is exams, math exams, architecture exams, more exams, and from this Friday till next Tuesday when the spring break begins almost all of the class will be gone and I'll be alone again. It really sucks, but they have to think about their future, and when I think about it, I already got my exam last August and I'm pretty much done with that, I only need my diploma and hopefully I'm done with this place too, for good. Oh, oh, oh! I went for my prom dress fitting on Saturday! It's still not completely done and I looked like a rag doll in it, but I love it! I hope I'll be ok on the fucking prom, 'cause I need to have that behind me already. Aand I think that's it for now. If I write the story, it'll find its place here.

Odyssey

I'm still not dead (and this is not an attempt to tempt fate!), plus, I have a new scribble! And plus-plus, it's officially been a month since The Rasmus concert. I still see it clearly as it was an hour ago. It's 9:20 pm and a month ago at that time we were rocking like hell. Still, many more await, I hope. About Odyssey, it's again like a story in rhymes, but longer like hell! I spent 3 hours writing it, and about a month thinking about it and how to put it together. Speaking of rhymes... I found the greatest thing EVER! I probably sound like someone who discovered America and no one told them about Columbus. So what I found - I found an online rhyme dictionary! What's cooler than that?! (I have more answers to that than you, but still that IS pretty cool) Now my hardest decisions won't be what word to think of that can rhyme with something else, but which one of all the 300 I should use.... It's great! ^^

"Well we crossed the line, so slow down a little,
come and go around, and let the things just settle..."



They were sitting on a rock floating really high in space
He was choking, barely breathing, she was staring at his face.
"Air, please, I beg you", she could hardly hear him whisper,
then stood up with finger on the trigger and told the poor weeper:

"Air is for losers, boy, you don't need it anymore.
See that pile of dust right there? It's the heart you cruelly tore.
And our home is gone as well - the monsters won the battle,
and the earth was calm again after having them all strangled.

The sun was finally sent to its eternal slumber,
and this rock is all that's left now for us to wander.
I guess you won't be here very long, since you're choking to death,
But there's a time for one last song, so please hold your breath."

His eyes were bleeding and he could feel the cosmic chill,
but yes, he could clearly see her, and his heart was beating still.
"What on earth have you done?", he murmured, with a few drops of blood.
"Oh, on earth I did nothing", she replied, "... but to the others - everything I could.

It's just you and me, my, oh, so beloved stranger,
so keep it down and die quietly or you will try my anger."
"But they did nothing wrong at all to you!", suddenly she heard him say.
She turned around, her teared eyes fell, and cried, "Everyone looks the same on X-ray".

"You won't find fame and glory like this, I trust you will agree."
"Oh, I know, it will end soon - you see, history remembers victory."
They stood silent for a while, wrapped their thoughts in spider nets,
on their little sad exile, awaiting death, but not dead yet.

"Will you spare a thought for me?", he asked, nearly passing, "Just every once in a while?"
"....No", she answered with no sign of glee. "You did it to yourself, so shut up and smile."
She looked him from above and added, "Just one thing left to keep you calm......
always look up, 'cause that's where your doom will come from!"

Just to calm down the spirits... almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive - gloriously alive today! (Maybe not gloriously, but still...) I already received a couple of tirades about the 'stupid thing' and counting. And I... can't even kill myself properly! :D I just felt sleepy and cold and went to bed at 10pm. About my eyes - it turned out to be what I thought it would be... again. I hate when I get that, my eyes get all swollen and red and hurt and now I have to take medicine. Drops in the eyes - most unpleasant. But they're almost okay now, so.... no funny, crazy, monkey business anytime soon... I hope. Gotta go, bye! :D

Depression obviously also has negative effects on productivity. 'Cause the lines I wrote last night are the WORST crap I've ever come up with! I have to post them somewhere before throwing the piece of paper they're on as a reminder never to write something as cheesy as that again! It's an abomination among all abominations! (There's seriously something wrong with me). I think I've begun losing my mind for the past week. Actually, I began losing it loong, long ago, but these days it's getting worse. Plus, I finished reading Jhonen Vasquez's "Squee!" and "I Feel Sick" for just 4 days and that contributes to my growing insanity. It's the only thing I have to do for fun anyway. I think there's also something wrong with my eyes. They really began to hurt and tears are coming out all the time, even if I'm not crying. Not that I don't want to cry, oh no. I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to drown in tears if that'll help me feel better. But I doubt it. You can destroy the outside, but you can't destroy what's inside of you without killing yourself too. I may have thrown the razor, but I still have other things - I mean, looking at the poll, I can find some things from there at home.... University, family, friends, life, future - I don't really care about all that now. Why should I? One by one, they all start to disappear. My friends mostly. I can't blame them - how can I expect someone to like me (hell forbid - even love me) when even I don't like myself? So many lyrics go around my head right now, some of them encouraging me to stay here, others - to just end it all. I tried to be strong, but it doesn't work. Everyone seems to always be right, to always make me feel guilty about everything.... and they have finally succeeded. I don't wanna fight about anything anymore. I give up. Spin me around all you want, do whatever you want with me - you broke my will and I broke myself.

People say they don't care, but they do...
All they ever want is to hear someone else cares too.
People say love is dead - it's all a lie.
They only want someone's cold caress before they die...

Good-bye... for now, or forever - I don't know. :]

P.S. - For all the pain and shit I caused everyone - I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever met me.

Whatever...

Dear Die-ary... If I go on with this rate, I'll soon set a world record as the fastest person in losing friends. There's either something wrong with this world, or with me... or actually, with both. And both things make me sick. The past week all I've been thinking about is what a piece of s**t I am, and thanking myself I threw that razor long, long ago, 'cause I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't. No one deserves my tears, but obviously neither the tears nor my mood care about my opinion these days. On a less depressing scale, I figured out the perfect present for my mom for Mother's Day. I'm planning on ordering flowers and having them sent at her work place... What sucks is that Mother's Day is on Sunday so I'll have to order them for Friday... Still, I know she'll cry like a baby... and start showing off about what a good daughter she has... a daughter who isn't good at all and hates herself more than anyone can. Fuck! I feel like an emo (again)! Will somebody please shoot me?!

P.S. - My nickname should be Joe he SUICIDAL Maniac...

The Nephilim's Lament

Depression has its positive sides - like my productivity! Two days in a row now I've bee writing - yes, depressing, gloomy bullshit, but the point is I HAVE been writing! I need to catch up for almost a month of no scribbles. Now this thingy is kind of a short story in rhymes. It came alive today at school, I have no idea how. No, I know how - 'cause I was depressed and fucked up. It's all my fault anyway. I like how it sounds, it's my first try writing a story, a story in rhymes even, so it's a bit short, but still - I LIKE it! Whoever doesn't - I don't care anymore.

Hey! How are you? Do you remember me from once upon a time? Where have you been till now?
I don't have a clue. Me? Oh, I'm fine. Never mind the bleeding, it's fake, just like me.
Would you like to hear a story beating at a cup of tea?
Ok, now, see, long, long ago there was a place in time,
where no one could show their face, unless they give one dime.
Once in there they could be flawless, blissful, carefree.
I tried to enter once and twice, but wasn't able to throw the dice.
Oh, well, that's okay, nevermind, it would have been a disaster there to lay my touch.
It's good it never caught my sight - besides, I don't even like myself much.
I still keep my invitation, you can have it if you want.
Don't worry, this is my occupation - you've been miserable, you deserve it,
but don't look for to thank me - don't!
No one should hear from me from now on, for I'll depart with my broken wings in the ground
where no one would see me and no one would be around.

P.M. (Post Mortum)

Ok, we're depressed again, and that means we have a new scribble ("we" are my inner dead bunny and me, in case you wonder). I've been thinking of writing a part of it for some time (2 weeks), but never really put it together the right way. So tonight the other part came and I stitched them together like a rag doll. Judging by Sally who turned out to be extremely happy, this ain't that bad. Funny thing for today - I wrote a message to a friend of mine to call me when she had the time. 5 seconds later my cell rings, I see an unfamiliar number, but answer anyway, thinking she's calling from a different cell phone. And there I am, talking to some male who asks me if I have sent him a message just now. For about 2 minutes I try to figure out who the hell he is, even jumping to the conclusion I'm talking to my ex! (which, I hope, isn't true, 'cause we checked his number and it was different). I checked if I had messaged the wrong person, but no, the message was sent to my friend's number. So I quickly apologized the dude, who seemed to be very amused by the whole story, and ended up thinking (and hoping, mostly!) I had the wrong number in my phone book from the beginning. I really hope that's the case, 'cause under no circumstances do I want to even catch a glimpse of my ex! Man, am I an idiot...

We wish for vampires, but do they wish for us?
We want eternal bliss, but does it want us back?
We think there's always another day, but is it left for someone else?
We say we have our shelter rock, but is it there when it all fails?

Can you see me in the crowd?
Can you recognise my sound?
Can you pick me up among the shadows?
Will you guide me or leave me to the gallows?

Is someone different than the rest?
Why do they always take the test?
Why am I only being someone else?
Why the evil always gives its best?

I'm tired of you people, you simply make me sick
Though my scars remember everything, I'll go on and tick
I like the sun better on the other side of your sky
And my frowning's more real than any fake smile that'll eventually die