Phone calls are poor consolations

“If the world's coming to and end,
if the darkest days are here, not ahead,
if someone tells me: you can save only one from this earth
...I would always choose you.”

“What’s the best cure for love?
A healthy dose of cynicism!
What’s the best cure for cynicism?
Love…”

Wow. December 31st, 2012. We made it. Who would’ve thought? Well, anyone with enough common sense and logical thinking, really. And then me, the idiot. I had a really weird dream the other night – the whole hype around 2012 was because there was going to be an eclipse. But instead of the Moon hiding the Sun, the Sun hid the Moon at night. It was still dark outside, but the Sun was still shining. If we trust the dream dictionary, an eclipse means losing faith in yourself. But really, who believes in silly shit like dreams, and souls, and dead grandmas looking after you? Oh, yeah, me, the idiot. And let’s be honest, I’ve never had much faith in myself to begin with.
I said in the last entry that I’d be having my first Christmas away from my family this year. And it sucked. I really did try, I had fun on Christmas Eve, and then I just gave up. I guess I can’t function without the people I love. I wasn’t even in the mood to celebrate New Year and was planning on being alone. But my friends didn’t let me. I’m really really thankful that at least they still haven’t got tired of me. Hell, I get tired of me all the time, I really don’t know how they do it. But I’m glad for each and every one of them. And overall, 2012 wasn’t as bad as everyone accused it of being. After all, I managed to achieve 3 of my goals I had on my wishlist (numbers 4, 5 and 9 – for those of you who don’t remember what they were or don’t know what I’m talking about – either look them up or piss off). And also something that wasn’t on the list (because it wasn’t certain at the time) – I lived to see The Hobbit finally filmed. Now that I think about it, I should wish to live till at least 2014 so I can see the other two. 2014 – that sounds so weird – like by then we should already have androids as housemaids, live on the Moon and go to school with aliens. And what have we done till 2012? Released phones for which people starve so they can afford to buy, and televising beauty pageants with 5 year olds. Well, I’m sure there are a lot of good things as well, but you know me (or don’t, who cares), I always look on the dark side of life! Speaking of, time for another New Year resolution. I remember a few years ago, I wished to be a little less naive. The following year I wished to be a little more trusting. Well, screw that, I’m wishing to be a lot less naive again. It really hurts less – you expect nothing and don’t get disappointed (unfortunately, sometimes even this bulletproof plan doesn’t work). I also wish to write more – I haven’t done anything in probably 6 months. Being happy really doesn’t do good to my muse. Buuut I’m a little fucked up at the moment, I might see that eclipse realised on paper – or on the computer screen. Anyway, enough blabbing. To everyone reading – have a happy New Year, try not to disappoint and hurt anyone and don’t let yourselves be disappointed and hurt too. To 2012 – you were actually pretty good to me, so thank you! I’ll catch you all next year, bye!

Boo!

I know, I know, I haven’t said a word for over 3 months, I’m lazy and horrible. But I have a perfectly good reason for that – I’m happy (Dear Faith, please don’t take this statement as “challenge accepted”). And I haven’t come up with any new scribbles, just some doodles here and there that I can’t find time to fit together. Everything is good, if anyone wonders, except for our Aber weather. What I like to say usually – if it’s gonna be cold, let it at least snow… No luck so far. But you never know, it’s only December 3. Ah, which reminds me – happy December to everybody! I’m considering making an afterparty for the end of the world on the 22nd, just because we will have a 22nd! Again, no “challenge accepted” attempts here. Less than two weeks for the Hobbit premiere here, which is the most exciting thing in my calendar for now, I can barely wait! And then spending Christmas away from home and my family for the first time. I knew it’s probably gonna happen this year and didn’t make a big deal out of it, but the closer it gets, I catch myself every now and then realizing that I won’t see my parents and my friends for the foreseeable future. It’s definitely not the end of the world (no pun intended), but it sucks a little bit. Buut at least I got them some presents which I really need to send soon before the post gets stuck with similar parcels as it does at this time of the year. Well, that’s all I have to say for now. It isn’t much, I just wanted to make an entry to show the ill-wishers I’m still kicking! Now I bid you all adieu!

One From Behind The Glass

What can I say, I got my muse back. I love you, muse!

 

I am a (love)sick person
I'm a flower at the end of its season
Don't steal my poison, I love to feel it
Don't take my halo, I live to heal it

Stones and hearts still are broken
Hugs and kisses for every day we haven't spoken
My lips may be sealed by the words of a hypocrite
but I love you more than I care to admit

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
are you gonna kill them all?
A ruby red for the skull -
tell me, friend, what's the future foul?

"Wishing wells and shooting stars,
magic spells in secret jars
birthday candles, rocking cradles
Hide-and-seeks and midnight tricks;

Chases underneath the rays -
little phoenixes of olden days...
That is all the past will say,
so may the bridges you burn light the way"

I once had a vision - a dream dressed in wisdom:
Miracles happen, though not the ones that we hope for
So don't look for what's lost, or you'll drown in the downpour

Yet halos won't remain,
and flowers will be slain
Words will stay crooked,
hearts will be flooded
But I will stay and wait for the arson -
I am the hypocrite, I'm a sick of love person

Soul Imaginarium

The more time it passes, the easier I think it would be if I just don’t write here. Buut let’s not get that lazy. So, what has happened for the last… oh, geez, more than two months, that’s like a new record for me. Right, so – exams successfully taken, had a very nice graduation (without mum and dad, but it can’t all be perfect), and I can honestly say that one day after graduating I was already working. Well, it was a gown assistant job, helping the other students put on their robes and it was for only 3 days, but I WAS working  one day after getting my degree – no one can take that away from me! :D I have another job now, so I can finally breathe. And… wow, that’s it – what a boring life I have. Ah, yes, the other thing is I wrote a story. Well, not exactly a story, more like a conversation. I can visualize it in my mind and it would, in my humble opinion, look good as a film, but since I have no directing abilities or equipment, and I’d ruin it if I try and write a narrative – it’s a plain simple conversation. I just don’t think saying the sun has a light switch attached to it would be as cool as actually seeing it… But of course you have no idea what I’m talking about, because you haven’t read the thing yet. I wish I could record all the things my weird brain comes up with, including dreams, and watch it for real. The movie industry would change unrecognizably. Aaaand I drifted off again. Now, back to the story – I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and finally decided to write it down last week. Then I hesitated whether or not to post it here, but I figured – hey, no one reads this blog anyway, so what the heck! So there it is, my latest crooked child of writing. (I really thought this post would be longer given my 2-month laziness, but I guess I really am boring.. such a shame)

                                                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                                                       “'Cause all of the stars
                                                                                                                                                                          are fading away.
                                                                                                                                                                          Just try not to worry,
                                                                                                                                                                          you'll see them some day.
                                                                                                                                                                         Take what you need
                                                                                                                                                                         and be on your way,
                                                                                                                                                                         and stop crying your heart out.”

 

-Hi there! I'm glad to finally see you. I've been expecting you.
-You've been... wha.. who are you?
-I'm just a girl. A person. And you're just a boy. Another person. There, now we're properly introduced. Now shall we get started?
-Start what?
-Showing you around, of course.
-Around where? Where are we?
-Nowhere. And everywhere. This place can be anything you want it to be.
-Okay, how about home? I want it to be home!
-That's good. Home's good. Makes you get used to it faster.
-No, I want to go home! Now! I don't know what happened, I don't know where I am, so I just want you to take me home!
-Don't be so hasty. Just calm down and let me show you around, and then you'll have the choice to leave. I promise.
........
-How did you get here?
-Same way you did. I was very unhappy where I was, so I wished really hard for another place to go,
did everything I could - and here I am.
-And how long ago was that?
-I really don't know. Time... doesn't matter here. For all I know, I could've been here for one second of time spent on earth,
I could've been here for centuries. I could be in a coma lying in a hospital bed, or I could be dead and waiting to be reincarnated.
-Don't you have some way to tell? I mean, I can see there's a sun in the sky, how long do days last here?
-As long as you want. Same way with nights. Same way with seasons. I told you - time doesn't matter here,
this place is not built on the trivial.
-On what then?
-Just... thoughts. And dreams. And weaknesses. You can be anything here, you can try different roles,
you can accept who you are, and learn to live with it.
If you can't remember how long it's been since you last cried, then it's been long enough... so you just cry. No one here to judge you.
Tears tell a story of their own, you need to learn to read it.
-Did you learn all this on your own here?
-There was someone here when I arrived. An old man. He told me everything he knew, everything I'm telling you know.
He probably learnt it from someone else who was here before that. There always has to be
someone here, to take care of this place and make sure it doesn't die.
-I thought this place takes care of you.
-You take care of each other.
-Wait - you said you saw an old man. How long had he stayed before you showed up? Can you age here?
-Well, I don't have any gray hair, if that's what you're asking. My body doesn't feel any different,
and that man probably arrived old already. It sounds tricky, but my words will make more sense to you in time.
-You mean if I stay.
-...You wouldn't be here if you didn't need to stay.
........
-So if I stay, does that mean you get to finally leave?
-I leave because I'm ready to leave. No one's forcing you to be here, but if you already are, you might as well give it a try.
I didn't want to stay either,
but I'm glad I did. Now I can carry on with the tradition.
-What tradition?
-The legacy of this place: Don't wait for life to throw you something, throw something at life.
If you're here, it's only because you can't do that - at
least for now. You're afraid to face the life you've built. This place will give you the courage to go back and do it better when you're ready.
-....... We're dead, aren't we?
-Depends on how you perceive death. Some people are dead even when they live and don't realize it.
But you did - that's why you're here. This is your second
chance. This was my second chance - and I took it. Now it's all up to you.
-.......I guess your words will make sense in time?
-Indeed they will.
-So how long have we been having this conversation? 5 minutes? 5 centuries?
-I...
-Oh, yeah, I forgot - time's not important.
-There you go, already getting used to it. I have to go now, then, but it's been very nice knowing you.
Good luck, and may the bridges you burn behind light the way ahead.
I'll see you in the next life, if not in this one.

Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay

Dreams are a weird thing, aren’t they? Just like everything else, I’m torn in two about dreaming. I recently watched a documentary about why people dream and what dreams mean. And that plus everything I’ve learned in my three years of studying psychology tells me the logical reason is that dreams reflect our biggest fears and innermost desires. But then there’s the illogical side that tells me there’s more to it. One thing I always wonder is when I dream about people I’ve never met in my life – do they dream about you too without never having seen you? Or when I dream people who have died – do they really send you messages in sleep or is it your mind playing tricks on you? ‘Cause if it’s the latter, I’m really sick and tired of my brain making me wake up crying every other night. I’m writing this because it happened again this morning and I didn’t want to forget it. My great grandmother died two years ago and since then I think I’m the only one in my family who has dreamed about her. And every time she tells me something comforting. First time I dreamed about her she told me she believes in me. Second time I was running from an insane serial killer and she told me she’d protect me. Third time I was visiting her in something like a dormitory and she said she was living there now. The fourth time was kinda nasty, because she was already dead. And this morning when I saw her, she said: Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay. And then she died in my arms. I’ve found myself many times talking and praying to her instead to a made up god, as pathetic as it sounds. And while logic tells me it’s not real and it’s all in my head, I want to believe she really is watching over me. But still, waking up with a panic attack crying your eyes out is not cool. Anyway, I’m letting my crazy spiritual side take over now, so I just wanted to say – thank you, grandma. I love you and I miss you.

Manchester, a ping-pong ball, and a New Zealand wine

I’m still not dead, don’t worry. Just forgot I have a blog. And I didn’t have anything interesting to write. Not that I do now – just thought I might update it before it gets deleted. So, what’s new… not much, really. I had a very lazy spring break. The only exciting thing I got to do was visiting a friend in Manchester for 4 days. And I got to see Afflecks Palace, or in other words – my gothic heaven. Four hours spent there, around weirdos like me – my idea of good time. After Manchester I had to focus on my last two essays for this year and for this university. I had to – didn’t say I did. I finished the last one just today. I thought I’d feel nostalgia or something – no more lectures, no more essays… well, at least for now. But I guess I’d be sad when it’s really over. Besides, I still got my lovely final exams. And graduation in July… which reminds me I need to rent my freaking toga already. Okay, now I feel sad. Mostly because the people I’ve used to see for 3 years will be gone, just like that. So I really hope I’ll find a job here so I can stay one more year and hang out with them some more. Aber’s really not that bad, if you don’t count the extremely low percentage of chances to get a job. So somebody please prove me wrong, I don’t wanna leave! Aaanyway… yeah, that’s pretty much all I had to say for now – complete nonsense. I haven’t written anything since the last scribble, because I was preoccupied with parenting styles and the Cold War. Some combination, huh? Come to think of it, the Cold War was a really harsh parent – let’s hope that it taught us well enough not to repeat it mistakes.

P.S. – the New Zealand wine kicks ass, I recommend it to everyone!

Story and the monster

It might seem a bit jumpy, but I’m on about 4 glasses of wine now, so – I don’t really care.

Tell me, my friend, tell me a story,
a story of woe, a story of glory
These people around, I don't like their stories
Fallen in darkness, fairytales of worries

I knew a storyteller once
selling happy endings at no price
He said depression is a state of mind,
a maze to help the blind stay blind

A monster starred in all his tales
Alone, neglected, broken, frail
Wounded, bleeding, lost at sea
They always ended: that monster's me

"There's nothing wrong with monsters, child,
it's us who make them vile and wild
They live, they love, they smile, they cry,
then whisper to their own: mother, mother, I want to die"

...Mother Nature is a whore
A virgin gown on winter fields she wore
Renounced her daughters, vowed them to a slaughter
Life began in water, life will end in water...

..So tell me, my friend, tell me a story,
could be a lie, please don't be sorry
Just give me something enough to survive
and witness the day all statues come alive

Pure morning – sun is shining, birds are singing, exams are taken ^^

I made a promise that if I take my exams, I’ll celebrate Hanukkah – anybody has a dreidel to spare?

It gets better…. When?!

Chill, I’m not dead yet, hold the balloons for later. I just forgot to write in here, university and depression can be hell of an amnesia agents when working together. I guess the last sentence explains enough what I have been doing for a month and a half so I’m not going into much details. But, just so you know, my research project is going well at the moment. I don’t remember if I said here what it is about (see, depression – works every time!), but just to be sure – it’s about music. Surprise, surprise. Basically, I’m looking at how music fans construct their identity when they talk about favourite styles, bands, etc. And do you know what I learned so far? I learned that even if we don’t like people putting labels on us and stereotyping us, we still do it ourselves. I learned that we’ll always group each other to distinguish “me” from “them” and “them” from “us”. I learned that we always put barriers, and heaven forbid for someone to put us in the wrong category. And then we wonder why we can’t get along. Because “we” are better than “you” and because “mine” are better than “yours”. This is what I learned for 3 years of studying the human behaviour – we want to belong, but also be unique. For 3 years I heard so many theories explaining why we are what we are. Some people said, “Hey, it’s all about society!”, others said, “No, it’s all about genes!”, third shouted, “No, everything is about sex!”…. This is what I know now – it’s a little bit of everything. Sometimes I think psychology was made up to complicate simple things and came up with big words to describe things everyone knows. By the way, do I already sound like the sad lonely cynic I’ve turned out to be? Because I sure think I do. I still don’t know who I am, I don’t know who’s responsible for what I am, I managed to become unique, but not belong. I did half of the job, and I still don’t like myself. I still haven’t made my parents proud, I still don’t know what makes a parent proud. Is it not repeating their mistakes? Is it becoming something as different from them as possible? If someone has the right answer, step forward. No one? Yeah, I thought so. This is what I know – we are the curse of our parents and the children of the new millennium – “she doesn’t eat meat, he doesn’t like girls”. “We” don’t know where we’re going, but we’re going there together, and “they” don’t have the right to say anything. “They” gave us a world of ruins, we’ll make an art from it. If “you” don’t like it – stay the hell away from “me”!

1. Nightwish – Away
2. Nightwish – Dead Boy’s Poem
3. AFI – Morningstar

Happy New Year…