What comes around, goes around

Okay, I have some good news. That pretentious lecturer of mine accepted the transcription of the interview, so everything’s ok. Then I have some neutral news that tend to go on the good side – as a future psychologist, I think I’m going in the right direction. Most of my friends tend to let it all out by talking to me about their problems and at least I know I’m listening. And answering to questions with questions. xD It kinda feels good that they trust me and choose me to confide in. And speaking of friends, here comes the sort of bad news part. Remember how in high school you promised you’re never gonna forget each other, you’ll be friends no matter what? Weeeeell, that’s not exactly the case. Last year, my first year in university, wasn’t very different – I managed to keep in touch with my old friends, even from a distance. But coming back to university this September, things began to change. Everyone seems to be too busy to just say one “Hi”, even online. They’re sooo into their new lives with their new friends that they don’t really care about the old ones, the ones that really know them and love them, care about them, and miss them every fucking day. Actually, they don’t all drift apart. The ones you never expected to are the ones that stick around. The ones you may have had so many conflicts with prove to be the ones that always ask you “Are you ok?” just to be sure. But your best friends – they hurt you the most. I know it happens with every generation, but I can’t seem to understand how exactly. You begin to get so far apart, that at one moment you see no point in trying to stay in touch. I don’t really see why you wouldn’t try to talk to your friends, even for 10 min a day, considering that a year ago they were the people you spent almost all of your time with. I tried to stay in touch – but they’re always too busy. For fuck’s sake, who isn’t busy? I have a life of my own, I have my own work to do, but I manage to get enough time for my friends when they need me. So I decided, if they don’t have time for me, don’t want me to be a part of their life anymore, I’ll leave them alone. I’m not saying I’m gonna forget them, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to stay in touch with people who don’t do the same. If at some point they want to look for me, I’ll always be here, ‘cause I’m still ready to die for them. The sad part is that I feel they wouldn’t do the same. After all, everyone has priorities. Mine happen to be my friends, above all. I get sick just of the thought that on every school reunion, or class reunion, we’re gonna look at each other, not knowing who the other is anymore, and say, “Oh, remember how we were best friends in high school?” Maybe I’m taking things too seriously, but I can’t help feeling sad, or even disappointed. And I can’t understand why we’ve spent so much time building a friendship and trying to keep it when we can discard it so easily. It’s like somewhere along the line something went terribly wrong, but you have no idea what it is and how to fix it.
But, life goes on, right? And one thing I’ve certainly learned this year is to let go of people who can without any problems let go of me. If by any chance they care, then they have a funny way of showing it.
You are thankful for those who still want you in their life and hope that somewhere there are others that will make your life even better. You just need to find your way to them. And for those who choose to live their life without you – they don’t know what they’re missing.

It’s not okay.

I opened the blog from the beginning a few minutes ago, just to see what I was like then, in case I have forgotten, and to see if I’ve made any progress with… actually with everything. Turns out this blog had a birthday recently – 2 years. Wow… I thought it was more. I did have another blog a few years back, but I didn’t really know what to write about in it, so I just wrote one post and left it, and eventually I deleted it. But this one turned out to be my personal diary that anyone can read. That’s the thing with the internet – it can divide people and bring them together. I read this quote today by Esther Dyson, “The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.”  So I can pour everything I need to let out in this blog, I can be myself, but at the same time, any weirdo with an access to a computer can see it and read it. It’s… kinda fascinating in a way.
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m not in my greatest mood. I had a really bad day. Everything began to go wrong since this morning. First, I was woken up by a text message, then I received an email by one of my lecturers that just made me wanna strangle somebody. You see, we had an assignment to transcribe a celebrity interview. By itself, this was pretty stressful and time consuming, because you have to pause the clip every few seconds to write down everything they say, and then constantly rewinding the parts where you can’t hear what they’re saying. We had to work in pairs, and my partner and I managed to get it done yesterday, and I sent it to the lecturer in charge. The email I mentioned was just too much. She began nagging about the transcription not being in the right font, and that we hadn’t put the proper headings at the beginning, and stuff like that. I know we have to do our assignments, but why do you have to nag about so small things? My whole day went straight down the drain, because I couldn’t stop worrying about it. We edited it, the way she wants it, and if she doesn’t like it again, and makes it a problem for us, and if this affects our reports…. I seriously don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t even know if I have the right to complain to the Head of department if something goes wrong. I just hope she likes it now that we have edited it and leave us in peace. You can’t just arrive at the department and start acting this way. None of our lecturers are so strict, no one is perfect, you can’t expect them to be, especially when they’re university students. We are bound to make mistakes and learn from them.
I think I was a little more philosophical that I should have. But it was a long day, it was an awful day, and I needed to say this somewhere. I have this saying that I heard some time ago, that sorta keeps me in shape, gives me hope in times like this: “Everything’s gonna be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. Well it’s certainly not okay now, I just wish the end would come soon.

Daylight savings time rocks!

I actually had to open my blog, because I completely forgot what I blabbed about the last time. And after seeing it, I can comment on some stuff from the previous post that hadn’t happened when I wrote it. My birthday came and went straight to history, I’m 20, don’t feel very different, except that people would be expecting some responsibilities from me from now on – well, good luck to them! And we finally have internet at home, which is pretty lovely, and an internet speed, which is not so lovely. But it’s something.

I gave blood again the other day, fulfilling my duty to society once again. The nurses there said that Aber looks like Hogwarts, because apparently when you drive to get to the town, you only see mountains and hills like when you’re on the Hogwarts train, and it just pops up from nowhere. It’s still a nice compliment, even though I’m not particularly a fan of Harry Potter. Also, I’ve started looking for a job again, gave my CV to a shoe store and I always keep an eye on Career Service page of the University site for new positions available. Academically speaking (that sounded weird), we’re filled with reports and essays and article reviews, and honestly, I have no idea how I’m gonna do most of them, and by the time I’m done, I’m gonna be a total wreck. Oh, how I look forward to Christmas….

I didn’t remember to write a post here about Halloween, did I? No, it wasn’t because I had such a wonderful and spooky time that I forgot. I actually didn’t do anything special, because all my friends had an assignment due the next day, so as you can imagine, they were last minute programming and couldn’t come. Damn computer science…. I did dress up, and went out to walk around the streets for a bit with two other friends, but it wasn’t the same. I even got candy because I thought we’re gonna have trick-or-treaters on the front door – guess who ate the candy, me and my housemates! At least I had an excuse to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas YET AGAIN. Well, you can’t have everything all the time, and you can’t have it perfect, right? I’ll show them next year….

Okay, what else, what else…. Oh, yeah, I got Nightwish’s Oceanborn album from the CD sale yesterday and I have one more CD to my music collection. So everything (so far) is well, the weather is terrible as it should be, and since it’s pretty late, I think I’m gonna wrap this post up for now and go to sleep…. or do something else.

Dance of the Dawn

No, I’m not dead, nothing happened on my way back to Aber, although the travel was a bit nasty, but that was all my fault. I missed a couple of trains by standing on the wrong part of the platform and I got home at around 12 midnight, but the important thing is I managed to travel by myself for the first time…. And I sucked at it. Anyway, things are good on the UK side, if we don’t count the fact that we still don’t have internet in the house and it’s getting annoying. I bought a dongle for my laptop because everything the University wants you to know and do is put online and if you don’t have internet, you’re kinda screwed. Also, we are enjoying some really nice weather (I hope this statement doesn’t put a hex on it) these last few days, while back in Bulgaria I hear people are walking around in gloves and coats. Kinda ironic, given the fact that we are in the “land of the rain”. And I really like our house, except the floor that creaks and if you wanna go to the bathroom at night, you risk waking people up.

My birthday’s soon, in just 2 days. I’m gonna be 20…. I still can’t come to terms with that. My mind is of a 5-year-old, I feel like I’m still 17, and this whole grown-up thing – not really for me. But I’m ok, I’m fine. Maybe not emotionally ok, but I’m dealing with it. I accepted the fact that it’s gonna be another lonely year for that little broken heart of mine, but I have friends (YES, believe it or not, I do have friends!) who tickle me every time I show up with a long face, so I’m gonna be ok, right? Right?…………….

The Leaving Song

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m a fucking idiot. A Fucking Idiot. The most recent reason for this is that I changed my flight and now I’m going back to the UK a week earlier. Which is next Saturday. And as I found out later – this was absolutely unnecessary. Why? Well, I was supposed to fly be there on October the 5th, and then I received an email from my Psychology Department in the university that I have to be there on the 27th of September for some registration – that it is COMPULSORY. And I panicked. I knew that I preregistered in May before going home and my registration is to be done online. I knew that I’m probably not gonna be the only person who won’t show up there on the 27th. I knew all I have to do is ask the department if it really is a big deal if I’m not there. I knew all that, but I panicked. I spent the following day not being able to breathe normally, and then finally decided to tell my parents so we can decide what to do. And I did send an email asking about that registration, but before receiving the answer, I managed to find a flight before that date, and changed it. If I had waited for an answer one more day, I would have probably visited the ER. So you can imagine how fast I went through the 5 stages of grief the next day, when they answered me saying it’s ok if I’m not there, and that I can register online without any problems. Most notably, the fastest transition was between Stage 2 – Anger, and Stage 4 – Depression. I managed to cut 10 days out of the 20 I had left at home for just 20 minutes. And for no reason at all. There’s still one week left here, but that’s the one I hate the most – you’re busy visiting doctors, making final arrangements before leaving, counting down the days, packing, and not being able to stop the clock and do everything you wanted to do in summer, but didn’t have time. That’s the problem with time – it doesn’t stop. I know there’s a positive side – I’m gonna see people I haven’t seen in 4 months, eat my favorite vegetarian food, see the new house… I think I already wrote about that in the last post… Anyway, when I get there and spend a few days getting used to that life again, I know I won’t feel so homesick, because I’ll be busy with so many stuff… But I’m still home, I still have that annoying last week, and I HATE long goodbyes. I can’t stand them. But I’ve been through this before and I know I’ll be ok.

No scribbles yet. None, zero, zip. I’m beginning to think Bulgaria is having a bad influence on my “talent”, had the talent ever existed. So I think I won’t be writing here until I get back to Aber, because I’m trying not to think about it very much, and writing here makes me think… about it. Yeah, whatever, bye-bye!

Working Girl Over

Yesterday was my last day at work. Thank goodness. Now I have exactly one month to do nothing before I leave back for university. I feel relieved it’s finally over – the driver whose data I was taking care of made sure to make my final two days there a living hell. They don’t show up for a week and at the last minute everyone comes with a mountain of papers. I had to literally type like the wind to finish quickly and go pack my stuff and return home. I put a lot of effort trying not to lose my temper and start swearing at everyone… but in my mind I killed them over million times, so we’re even. I hope I’ll never see anyone of them, or see another travel paper, or have to listen to my boss saying how crazy I am for not going out, not drinking or not having a boyfriend… or questioning my sexuality because of the other three. I try to stay away from people like that as much as possible – my life is none of their concern.

Being home is definitely refreshing, knowing I don’t have to wake up early on Monday and go to work. And if most of my friends didn’t screw me up by not calling me to ask at least how I am, everything would be great. ‘Cause I did need a friend to talk to for the past few weeks, but I guess they have more important stuff than their friends. We’ll see if someone will remember about me until the month’s over, ‘cause after that – hasta la bye-bye!

P.S. – Happy Birthday to the girl that used to be my friend. I hope you’re okay.

R.I.P.

My great grandmother died a few days ago. The funeral was yesterday. From the moment I got back home from the UK I had a feeling I’d go to her funeral. Even though she was really old, she was going to be 90 tomorrow, it still hurts. We all know it’s best for her, she couldn’t walk for almost a year, had a stroke a few months ago, broke her hand and all she did was lying in a bed. My grandma and her sisters took care for her and was exhausting for everyone. But I couldn’t stand watching her in the coffin, I had to go outside the chapel, and after that I couldn’t go to the grave at the cemetery. Not to mention I haven’t been in a church for 4 years. And I thought she’d outlive me, with all my depressions and emo cutting bullshit. If everyone has the guts to tell me right now that death is beautiful, I’m gonna kick their ass. It’s not beautiful, it’s not poetic, it’s not romantic. It hurts… Some moments I’m okay, others – I can’t stop crying, like now. On top of everything I’m sick. Some summer virus. I don’t know if I believe in those stuff, but one of my cousins said she regularly talks to her deceased relatives, and she saw grandma. She said that she’s in a better place, she can walk, she can move her arm, nothing hurts her…. I really hope so. I don’t really have anything else to say right now, so that’s it.