Baudelaire in Braille......

Today is the 1-year anniversary from The Rasmus concert in Sofia. 12 February 2009 – it was the happiest day of my life. Funny how things change so fast… I’d give anything to re-live that day again, especially today. I’m not gonna say anything about the previous post, it pretty much says everything itself. What I can say is that I lost the little trust I had in people…. and more importantly in my friends. I might sign for Guiness as the fastest person at losing friends, maybe that record still isn’t set. That blog became too personal these last few months. I don’t know if anyone reads it, and frankly, I don’t give a shit if someone reads it, I just need something of a diary and I guess this is it.
I wrote a scribble last year called Saddest Word Ever with the thought I knew what the saddest word for me is. Now I think there are too many. Whoever you are, if you read this, think for yourself what that word is. Is it suicide? Is it loneliness? Is it love, is it hatred? Is it life, is it death, is it weakness, is it pain, is it you, or is it me? Cause I don’t know anymore…

P.S. – Before I begin to sound too much like an emo, I wanna say HIM’s new album is more than perfect – and exactly the thing I need right now. :]

Apology

Surpriiiiiiise, Joe’s in love for real, surpriiiise, Joe got her heart broken, surpriiiiiise, Joe wrote a fucking love scribble, let us all laugh at Joe!

This is for my mother, who never saw my scars
This is for the father I couldn't understand
This is for the winter sky, lost all of it stars
This is for the beggars lost around the wasteland

This is for the friends - a thousand times hurt
This is for myself wandering the desert
For every single time I didn't make an effort
and for every tear fallen in the dirt

This is for the song I never learned to play
This is for the things I didn't want to know
For every time I cursed the perfect sunny day
And for every little flower frozen in the snow

This is for the little bird I couldn't save
This is for the rain, hiding all my tears
For everyone left alone to a silenced grave
And for the no one who tamed my fears

This is for the broken wings who never learned to fly
This is for the girl who's always blue
This is for the poor old heart that begins to dry
This is for the one I never said "I love you" to

P.S. – Happy birthday to Adam from AFI. It was yesterday, but I forgot, thinking it was in March. I picked the wrong day for the ‘love’ crap. Sorry, Adam.

Imperfect

I guess it’s true what they say that poets can only write in a state of melancholy. Not that I can call myself a poet, but… three scribbles in less than two weeks – I must be really fucked up haha. Anyway, there’s the scribble, I wrote a long enough post yesterday, so I won’t bother to say anything else. Oh, yeah – AFI’s new video totally rocks! They killed them all!!! Hahaha, I knew they won’t disappoint me. That was the only thing to cheer me up today. :]

"-Does it hurt?
-So much you can't even feel the pain
-Does it end?
-You can cry a lifetime - it would be in vain
-Do you bleed?
-Blood is the currency here
-Do you sleep?
-Only with nightmares, I fear
-Do you cry?
-I already answered that, my dear
-Do you smile?
-Every once in a while
-Are you mad?
-Maybe we're all just sad
-Are you lost?
-No, my child, I'm a ghost
-Are you scared?
-More and more every single day
-Can I help?
-Yes.... please leave me and go away......"

Soul in Return

Oookay, this is weird. I wrote another scribble today for less than 10 minutes, which doesn’t happen very often. And as easy as I wrote it, I’ve been struggling with coming up with a name for it the whole afternoon. So I guess I’ll have to think of something before I’m done with this post or I’ll be stuck here for a while. I was kinda under the weather these days (and I still am) and I really wonder how I’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight… even for an hour. I’ve never liked parties, or at least the idea most people have of a “party”. Somehow the whole drinking and many people at one place thing is not for me. I think I’ve already said that before… oh, well, nevermind. But I’m not very positive I’ll ever be able to go to something resembling a party that I’ll enjoy. It’s kinda hard to be completely different from the people around you. I hope if I’m patient enough, I’ll meet weirdos just like me. I still love my friends now, don’t get me wrong, but very few of them can really “read” me.

Byyy the way, I have a plant! My very own plant in my room! Since we’re not allowed to have pets, I figured I’d get a plant instead and treat it as a pet. I even named it – Chris. ^^ Kinda strange name for a hyacinth really. I’m planning on experimenting with it…. in terms of music, people. I read an article when I was doing my report about lyrics that plants react to different types of music, so we’ll see if my planty is a deathrock-goth-punk-rock-alternative freak like me. xD

I started my Introduction to the Third World in International Politics module today. And I already love it! I know we have tons of shit to write and read and study, but we have to choose a country and write a report on it, focus only on it, and I already made my mind about it – I’ll take the Dominican Republic, ‘cause I have two buddies there who I love veeery much even if we sometimes piss each other off on purpose. Oh, and you know the best part? You know the BEST part?! We can go to a trip to Liverpool in an African museum and it’s only 5 pounds! I have to go, I wanna go, I wiiiiill goooooooo! ^^ Damn it, Leo, now I sound just like you! >.<

Aaaand after 40 minutes that I spent NOT writing this post, I’m here again and I still don’t have a name for the damn scribble…. Plus, I think I’m getting sick. I hate these lemon-flavored powders that you have to drink when you’re with a cold. They make me feel even sicker. *Okay, think about a name, think about a naaaame, come oooooooooon!!!* >.< 1,2,3…. EUREKA, I’VE GOT IT!!! And I also officially got sick. Well that’s what happens when you go to bed at 2am, wake up at 7:30, it’s raining the whole day, plus there’s the damn wind, and you have to go up and down the hill a thousand times. I probably should sleep more – I’m killing my own brain cells by not sleeping! And I probably should stop writing, ‘cause this post got waaay too long, and write the title down before I forget it again. See ya, Joe is going to treat herself with self-medication!

 

I'm the spider and the fly
I'm the mouse and the trap
I'm the laughter and the cry
I'm the caress and the slap

I'm the bird and the worm
I'm the sickness and the cure
I'm the knife and the womb
I'm the flawless and the impure

I'm the black and the white
I am heaven, I am hell
I'm the darkness, I'm the light
I'm the beginning, I am "farewell"

I'm the saint, I'm the sinner
I'm the mother, I'm the killer
I'm the loser, I'm the winner
I'm the destroyer, I'm the keeper

I'm the window, I'm the rock
I'm the virgin, I'm the whore
I'm the time, I'm the clock
I am after, I'm before

I'm the life, I'm the death
I'm the flower, I'm the frost
I'm the dust, I'm the breath
I am here, I am lost

I'm the virtue, I'm the vice
I'm the earth, I'm the sky
I'm the sea, I'm the stars
I shall live and I shall die