Depression obviously also has negative effects on productivity. 'Cause the lines I wrote last night are the WORST crap I've ever come up with! I have to post them somewhere before throwing the piece of paper they're on as a reminder never to write something as cheesy as that again! It's an abomination among all abominations! (There's seriously something wrong with me). I think I've begun losing my mind for the past week. Actually, I began losing it loong, long ago, but these days it's getting worse. Plus, I finished reading Jhonen Vasquez's "Squee!" and "I Feel Sick" for just 4 days and that contributes to my growing insanity. It's the only thing I have to do for fun anyway. I think there's also something wrong with my eyes. They really began to hurt and tears are coming out all the time, even if I'm not crying. Not that I don't want to cry, oh no. I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to drown in tears if that'll help me feel better. But I doubt it. You can destroy the outside, but you can't destroy what's inside of you without killing yourself too. I may have thrown the razor, but I still have other things - I mean, looking at the poll, I can find some things from there at home.... University, family, friends, life, future - I don't really care about all that now. Why should I? One by one, they all start to disappear. My friends mostly. I can't blame them - how can I expect someone to like me (hell forbid - even love me) when even I don't like myself? So many lyrics go around my head right now, some of them encouraging me to stay here, others - to just end it all. I tried to be strong, but it doesn't work. Everyone seems to always be right, to always make me feel guilty about everything.... and they have finally succeeded. I don't wanna fight about anything anymore. I give up. Spin me around all you want, do whatever you want with me - you broke my will and I broke myself.

People say they don't care, but they do...
All they ever want is to hear someone else cares too.
People say love is dead - it's all a lie.
They only want someone's cold caress before they die...

Good-bye... for now, or forever - I don't know. :]

P.S. - For all the pain and shit I caused everyone - I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever met me.

Whatever...

Dear Die-ary... If I go on with this rate, I'll soon set a world record as the fastest person in losing friends. There's either something wrong with this world, or with me... or actually, with both. And both things make me sick. The past week all I've been thinking about is what a piece of s**t I am, and thanking myself I threw that razor long, long ago, 'cause I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't. No one deserves my tears, but obviously neither the tears nor my mood care about my opinion these days. On a less depressing scale, I figured out the perfect present for my mom for Mother's Day. I'm planning on ordering flowers and having them sent at her work place... What sucks is that Mother's Day is on Sunday so I'll have to order them for Friday... Still, I know she'll cry like a baby... and start showing off about what a good daughter she has... a daughter who isn't good at all and hates herself more than anyone can. Fuck! I feel like an emo (again)! Will somebody please shoot me?!

P.S. - My nickname should be Joe he SUICIDAL Maniac...

The Nephilim's Lament

Depression has its positive sides - like my productivity! Two days in a row now I've bee writing - yes, depressing, gloomy bullshit, but the point is I HAVE been writing! I need to catch up for almost a month of no scribbles. Now this thingy is kind of a short story in rhymes. It came alive today at school, I have no idea how. No, I know how - 'cause I was depressed and fucked up. It's all my fault anyway. I like how it sounds, it's my first try writing a story, a story in rhymes even, so it's a bit short, but still - I LIKE it! Whoever doesn't - I don't care anymore.

Hey! How are you? Do you remember me from once upon a time? Where have you been till now?
I don't have a clue. Me? Oh, I'm fine. Never mind the bleeding, it's fake, just like me.
Would you like to hear a story beating at a cup of tea?
Ok, now, see, long, long ago there was a place in time,
where no one could show their face, unless they give one dime.
Once in there they could be flawless, blissful, carefree.
I tried to enter once and twice, but wasn't able to throw the dice.
Oh, well, that's okay, nevermind, it would have been a disaster there to lay my touch.
It's good it never caught my sight - besides, I don't even like myself much.
I still keep my invitation, you can have it if you want.
Don't worry, this is my occupation - you've been miserable, you deserve it,
but don't look for to thank me - don't!
No one should hear from me from now on, for I'll depart with my broken wings in the ground
where no one would see me and no one would be around.

P.M. (Post Mortum)

Ok, we're depressed again, and that means we have a new scribble ("we" are my inner dead bunny and me, in case you wonder). I've been thinking of writing a part of it for some time (2 weeks), but never really put it together the right way. So tonight the other part came and I stitched them together like a rag doll. Judging by Sally who turned out to be extremely happy, this ain't that bad. Funny thing for today - I wrote a message to a friend of mine to call me when she had the time. 5 seconds later my cell rings, I see an unfamiliar number, but answer anyway, thinking she's calling from a different cell phone. And there I am, talking to some male who asks me if I have sent him a message just now. For about 2 minutes I try to figure out who the hell he is, even jumping to the conclusion I'm talking to my ex! (which, I hope, isn't true, 'cause we checked his number and it was different). I checked if I had messaged the wrong person, but no, the message was sent to my friend's number. So I quickly apologized the dude, who seemed to be very amused by the whole story, and ended up thinking (and hoping, mostly!) I had the wrong number in my phone book from the beginning. I really hope that's the case, 'cause under no circumstances do I want to even catch a glimpse of my ex! Man, am I an idiot...

We wish for vampires, but do they wish for us?
We want eternal bliss, but does it want us back?
We think there's always another day, but is it left for someone else?
We say we have our shelter rock, but is it there when it all fails?

Can you see me in the crowd?
Can you recognise my sound?
Can you pick me up among the shadows?
Will you guide me or leave me to the gallows?

Is someone different than the rest?
Why do they always take the test?
Why am I only being someone else?
Why the evil always gives its best?

I'm tired of you people, you simply make me sick
Though my scars remember everything, I'll go on and tick
I like the sun better on the other side of your sky
And my frowning's more real than any fake smile that'll eventually die

A Winter's Tale...

Finally a snow storm - the way it should be. I had to wait till February, but the blizzard is in the house! (Or outside the house maybe) Even though my mom, my aunt, my dad and I spent half an hour trying to set the car free from all the snow preventing it from taking us home. So there we are, with shovels, I'm cleaning the windows for my dad to see where the car is going, the tires go the other way, from one snow-drift to another, he shouts at me for some reason, like it's all my fault the car's stuck and it can't stop snowing.... and people pass by, watch us trudging and do NOTHING! Finally one guy stopped to help push the car, after 10 more minutes another one stopped and they all managed to push it in the right direction. I'm getting the feeling my dad won't want to have anything to do with my uncle's car anymore. About 4 years ago we took his other car for our summer vacation... on the way back its engine practically died half an hour after we had set off to home. We had to leave it at a gas station and go back by bus. And now that Mercedes thingy afraid of the snow made my dad take it all out on me. Not that it hasn't happened before, but I don't care anymore - the scars are almost gone anyway. But the thing that made me think is how people become more and more selfish and unsympathetic. About 5 or 6 people passed by before the other two, they just cast a glance at us and go on. I can't blame them - they were watching their kids sleighing, what do they care about someone's misery. But I really thank those guys, that took some of their time to help us - otherwise it would have been another hour or even more in that snowstorm, listening to my father's cursing and swearing. Still, I find that story overall as amusing. And I STILL loooooooooove (like) winter!!!

You thought I'd post anything on Valentine's Day? HA! Dream on - maybe just this:
I knew I'd feel like s**t on that day and I did - that's what happens when you go to bed at 4 am an they wake you up at 10:30 (am). Aaanyway, I said I'd post pics from the concert - well, it's just one, because the rest of the camera's battery died for the videos. So there it is:
I'm there in the middle with the black hair... or so I think. These ones aren't made by me, I found them on the Internet after the concert.
Some idiots wrote an article about it tagging them emo!!! EMO!!! The Rasmus?! Come ooooon! Another jerk apparently had a lot of fun writing his article, calling their music 'impotent rock'! That's the only thing I remembered - it's not worth tormenting my brain with such bulls**t. But, if I see him, I'll stuff him with dead rats and put him in the blender!!! I'm Joe the Homicidal Maniac!!! Muahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. - Billie Joe Armstrong apparently has a Dirtday today - Lin almost forgot, so did I - some fans... But luckily, she remembered it on time and wrote him a very sweet letter in my school chronicle - I may consider publishing it some day - it would cost a fortune to read some 12-graders' thoughts. :D Happy Dirtday, BJ!

12.02.2009

OK, I'm not dead... but I can die happy now! Or almost, I still need to see someone else before that. So - 12.02.2009 - that was the BEST fucking day in my entire pitiful life!!! Everything was perfect, absoBLOODYlutely everything! I saw Underworld 3, bought collector's edition of The Nightmare Before Christmas with 2 CDs, aaaaand I saw The Rasmus live!!! Eero sang it himself at the concert - a perfect day indeed. I don't know why I'm crying NOW! I thought I'd start crying when they got onstage, but then I just started acting a little disorientated - I didn't know whether to smile like an idiot, sing, or hold my hands in the air. Ahh, yes, the hands - I have a muscle fever! I put my hand in the air, after 10 seconds it starts to hurt, but I just can't put it down, so I put the other one in the air while the other rests. :D I met a girl standing next to me, smiled at her camera, we held hands in the air together - it hurt less. My legs also started hurting from too much jumping, my throat was dried up even before we started to sing/shout/scream and after that I could hardly speak. When Live Forever began, Lauri said to everyone he needed lights for the song and everyone put their cellphones in the air. I did the same of course, and used the occasion to call my friend so she can listen to the concert a little bit. We had 3 encores, and I was lucky enough to be close to the stage so.... it was just perfect. When I get the pictures, I'll post some. I'm going to cry out of happiness now. ^^

Tomorrow's the big day... The day I've been dreaming about (literally, I have dreamt about it at least 20 times!) since October. The day I'll finally (and hopefully - you never know) see one of my favorite favorite bands! Last night my dad spent 15 min telling me what to do when we get to Sofia (our country's capital, where the concert will be), what taxis we should get in, where to put my money, how much hand luggage to carry..... It's like I'm 5 and don't know how to take care of myself! After all, that's why me and Lin will have a big boy with us to protect us. :D But I seriously don't know who's gonna protect George from us! :D Ok, next post will be all about the best day of my life, when I finally saw The Rasmus... or about the worst, when I got robbed/raped/killed/thrown in a ditch. So.... see ya!

Happy Dirtday to you...

'Sup, homie? Who has a Dirtday today? Adam has a Dirtday today! Happy Dirtday, Adam!
Jingle bells, monkey smells, Melman laid an egg. Martie thinks that Alex stinks, and the camels say 'Oh yay!'
Oops... that's not the right one. I got it! Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, I think I got screwed... Yeah, I definitely screwed up this one too. OK, last try...

Happy Dirtday to you, happy Dirtday to you, happy Dirtday, we-want-an-album, Adam, happy Dirtday to youu!!! ^^