Year of the Rabbit – thank you!

Sooo….. I guess a recap on the last day of the year is appropriate. The thing is, I’m too lazy to write lengthy stuff, so I’ll be blunt… again.

2011 started a bit shitty, and was shitty more or less the entire first 6 months. But by the end it got pretty freaking good, so I’m overall positive about everything. Yeah, I lost some friends, got others back, made new ones, and my heart is finally happy, so I can say 2011 didn’t totally suck. To the ones I hurt – I’m sorry; to the ones that hurt me – you’re forgiven; to the ones that make me happy – keep doing it! As for resolutions – I can’t really think of any. I only wish to graduate with a nice degree and have more luck in that area. And write some scribbles soon. Oh, yeah, and I also want for the world not to end, ‘cause I’m attending an afterparty in 2013 and really wish to go.

Well, that’s enough from me. Have fun, all you unfortunate enough to read this, and I’ll be back sometime these days, again with the first 3 songs listened to during the new year. 2011, I thank you kindly, 2012 – please be as kind. See you all next year!

Ho-ho, yo-yo!

I’m gonna be very brief – because I’m too lazy to write. So – Merry Christmas to all the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to all the Jewish, Happy Kwanzaa to all African-Americans, and to all the atheists like me – have a nice day! Hope everyone is having fun, getting whatever you wished for, having lots of snow, and don’t go too far with the Christmas dinner and drinking. Happy Hallowmass!

P.S. – You didn’t think you’d get away without my disaster piece, did you?

'Twas the NightMare before Christmas, when all through the loss not a creature was stirring, not even a ghost.
The stockings were hung by the chimney without care, in hopes that Sandy Claws soon would be there...
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Terrible Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!

P.S. 2 – And I wanna wish Tuomas Holopainen from Nightwish a very happy Birthday, because he’s one of the few people because of whom I still believe in music – thank you!

“Only the weak are not lonely”

I’m not dead, in case anyone’s started to worry. I just didn’t have time to write here, I’ve been busy with uni work and being happy. Basically that’s it, nothing ground-breaking has happened, but you’ll get a recap anyway.
University stuff is almost done, I’m starting the interviews for my dissertation tomorrow, extremely excited about that – I’m dying to talk about music anyway, so that’s gonna be fun. After that I need to transcribe them (or at least start, it’s really tedious) and I’m off to home on Friday. The last course work is being submitted tomorrow, it’s a research proposal for a study that we’re interested in but won’t conduct ourselves. I never thought I’d get that interested in robotics and artificial intelligence, but the cognitive part of it seems really fascinating, especially the implications of human cognition in robots. When I did the presentation at my seminar, I feared that I’m talking complete nonsense and my idea is physically impossible. However, I got only positive comments from my peers and couldn’t stop smiling the entire day. Let’s hope my teacher’s mark will be nice too.
As for the “being happy” part – well, that’s not really your business, I just wanted to let the evil wishers know I’m doing okay, so – BOOYA!

However, one thing that contributed to me being happy was FINALLY getting my hands on Nightwish’s Imaginaerum yesterday. The ones who know me have probably guessed I haven’t stopped listening to it and won’t stop at least for the next month. It’s absolutely brilliant, lyrically and musically, and especially vocally – Marco sounds great as usual, and so does Anette. I never thought I’d say that, I wasn’t a big fan of hers, but her voice is amazing in this album. I fell in love with Slow, Love, Slow – it has such a dark jazz vibe, plus her singing… absolutely stunning. I can’t wait for the movie now, I’m sure it will be magical as well.

Like I said somewhere up there, I’m going home on Friday. It’s gonna be another almost 12-hour wait at the airport, but 3-4 movies should do it. I just hope nothing will screw up, because my rule number 1 is: Always assume the worst so it doesn’t happen. No, actually that’s my second rule, the first one is “Always look up” (I don’t know why, don’t ask). And then home for an entire month to pester my puppy! I might even get some snow, if it decides to get colder.
Still no new scribbles, haven’t been in a creative mood lately. At least you don’t get to read crap, haha! So I guess that’s all for now, the next post will fly from home… so all the volcanoes better watch out! Alrighty, bye-bye!

How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world…

Soooo, here I am again, late as usual. But you can’t blame me, the past week was more than eventful for me to remember to write here. I’m officially 21, as of 11 days, and I feel perfectly 12! It was a really nice “party”, full of (evil) plotters who managed to keep a secret for more than a month the biggest present ever – my mom. All I knew was that one of my friends was late because he was on a train and that he would arrive around midnight. No problem, we’re not hurrying for anywhere, we can wait. Then he shows up carrying a suitcase – my initial thought was that that’s the present… Oh, silly me. While I was beginning to ask “What’s in the box?”, my mom jumped behind him and I forgot how to speak… for about 10 min. All the things that didn’t make sense prior to my birthday finally lined up – showing once again that I suck at logic. But it really was a great present, and I got to spend a week being pampered by mom. Of course, by the end I got really nervous being with her 24/7, since I didn’t wanna leave her alone anywhere. When she left I was both relieved and crying like a baby, as usual. The good news is I’ll be going home for Christmas, so I’ll see her again soon. But before that I have a month of procrast…. I mean, damn heavy studying! Things are looking up for a change, though, so we’ll be alright. And I think that’s it for now, ‘cause I know nobody likes to read long stuff. Live long and prosper!

P.S. – Dear world, please don’t end, I’m finally happy.
Sincerely, me.

September ended, wake up!

What’s that? That’s just me, forgetting to update this thing. Which I apologise for, if anyone was worried, which I doubt. So, let’s see what has happened since… *checks last post’s date* … September 13! Well, we had another moving to a new house, I was a Freshers’ Hero, and the third and final year at Aber Uni started. Oh yeah, I passed my resit, woohoo! Now to extend my explanations on these three… things.

There’s not much to say about the house, actually. It’s the same as last year, but with different room and less people. And for the first time that I’m here, I’m not living with my best friend. I got so used to her, especially over summer, ‘cause basically, she was all I had here. I do go to visit her almost every evening – her and the other three weirdos of friends that currently make my life bearable. It’s not as bad as I always turn out to describe it, but I really feel lonely without them. My other friend lives all the way on campus, which is really inconvenient. And the girls I live with – well, the two of them are more alike and can have fun together, and I’m the black sheep, as usual. On a brighter note, speaking of friends living on campus, I want to thank Trang for getting me my first birthday present yesterday – a necklace with three bunnies running in circle, like AFI’s logo. I know you know it, woman, but I really love you!!! ^^ I’m not gonna wear anything anytime soon! Apart from clothes, of course. ‘Cause it’s getting a bit cold, it’s October, you know, and walking around naked with only a necklace is a bit strange….

Anyway, moving on. I thought I said here somewhere that I was chosen to be a Freshers’ Hero, but apparently I didn’t so I’m gonna do it… tomorrow. Or how about now, I’ll forget tomorrow. Basically, the job of the Heroes is to help freshers – these bright young minds – find their way around campus, showing them to their rooms, answering any questions they or their parents may have and other hero-y stuff. Some go to the airports to pick them up, others stay on the train stations in case someone doesn’t know which train to get on. I wanted to go to the airport, get out of Aber for a day, but I was allocated at the reception of the residence I was in my first year. The job was only two days, and the second one it was pouring like hell, but it was really fun. I felt so proud helping the innocent little souls who have no idea what awaits them. And, you know, you also get paid for that. But it really was a rewarding experience.

And last but not least (actually, it is) – my final year here started. Everything is going okay for now, I’m mostly dealing with the research proposal for the dissertation. The good news is, I don’t have that many essays to write, but I think that project is challenging enough. I really don’t want to fuck it up this time, fingers crossed.

My birthday’s coming fast. Only a week left… I really don’t feel 21. Hell, I don’t even feel 20. I think I stayed somewhere between 17 and 18. And that seems so long ago. Sometimes I don’t even want to celebrate it, but you’re only 21 once, I guess. What’s stopping me from being happy is probably the fact that half of my friends won’t be here, I’m surrounded by a bunch of people I can’t wait to get rid of, and there’s no possibility of going home anytime soon. That will be an interesting Christmas for sure. Man, I’m whining too much, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Nostalgia’s just stronger at times like these…

Okay, this turned out to be longer than my normal posts, and I know you’re lazy to read that much, so I’m drawing the line right…. now! ---------

Did you see the size of that wave?!

Okay, time for Joe’s weekly update (that doesn’t come every week). I finally visited Cardiff last Friday with some friends and got to see what a real castle is. Not like the petty ruins we have here in Aber, that’s for sure. It’s a really beautiful place, even though I couldn’t see half of the halls because they were closed. Still, took plenty of pictures of the rest. On one of them I was absolutely sure I’d caught a ghost, but when I looked at it on the laptop, it turned out it’s just one of my friends, highly blurred. Very disappointing. BUT, we found our country’s flag among all the others going around the castle’s wall, so that made up a bit for the other things. We spent about two hours there and then we were supposed to check some museums, but the others were eager to check the malls and clothing stores more, so you could guess what we did for the rest of the day. I managed to find some stores for my “kind”, so I wasn’t very bored, though I didn’t buy anything except a t-shirt. And the whole time I felt like I was in one of the cities on the seaside in my country – enough for me to like the place. From what I was able to see, Cardiff is a really nice town, and I’d love to go back for more sight-seeing and less shopping.
Apart from that, nothing really exciting is going on (restrain your sarcasm, please). A few days left till we move again to a new house for the academic year. Oh, yeah, and I got chosen to be a Fresher’s hero. Basically, you get to go to the airports, pick new students up, show them the university and things like that, so that will be interesting. And then, lectures, lectures, and more lectures – hallelujah! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of my evening watching The Simpsons. And maybe other stuff. But mostly The Simpsons.

Wake me up when September ends

I think I forgot to mention I’m not a straight edge anymore. Nope, definitely did not to say it. Oh well, there you go, alcohol got me. xD On a couple of occasions, for reasons beyond my control…. oh, who am I kidding, I took a perfectly conscious decision to drink. And the world didn’t end, imagine that! Not that I’m planning on making drinking a regular thing, but it tends to be fun when you’re around the freaks you call friends. I still support the straight edge movement and lifestyle, buuut I guess I’ll have to change my avatar on here. xD Don’t worry (if anybody worries, of course), I’m still a vegetarian – no one can make me change my mind about that. So, apart from that, life is pretty boring at the moment. Still looking for a job, still no new scribbles. One month left till university starts – imagine how excited I am about that! No, really, I am kinda happy, at least I’ll have something to do and I’ll see people who were lucky to be home for the summer. I can’t believe this will be my third year here – it feels like I arrived yesterday. And, hopefully, if someone doesn’t decide they don’t like my resit essays, it will be my final year as well. And I really, really can’t wait to get the hell out of here. I found nothing and no one to keep me here, so I’ll keep moving till I do, I guess. I’m glad about the people I met though – and I hope they’ll make the year bearable like the last two.
It’s September already, as of 25… make that 26 minutes now. I always get melancholy on the first of September. Probably because for the last two years it meant that my days home were numbered. There’s something sad about summer ending, and having nothing special happened – but then again, I find sadness everywhere, so who cares? Aand I’m getting the feeling that if I don’t finish this post now, I’ll blurt a whole more lot of nonsense, so good night… “and listen to the thunder.”

Screw you, Clarach, I’m going home!

See? I told you karma would knock me out soon – better listen to me next time, ‘cause if the past has taught me anything, it’s that I’m (almost) always right! Basically they let me go from work, but it wasn’t exactly a sacking. First, last week they cut all new staff’s hours, mine went from 3 to 2, because apparently business isn’t going well this season. And this morning I didn’t see my name on the weekly rota, so the supervisor sent me home, I called the big lady boss who told me she has to let me go, because there’s nothing to do and clean in the morning and that she has to give everyone two days off because it’s so quiet. I’m not even disappointed, or mad, I thought the whole thing was utterly hilarious. And I do understand her point, even though if you ask me, I’d say that place is pretty dirty in the morning and it does need cleaning, but if she struggles paying the staff, it makes more sense to let someone new go than someone who’s been there for months. What I didn’t like is that she doesn’t bother telling you directly or at least telling the supervisor so he can let you know. No, we’re all left guessing  - funny thing is, the last time I checked, I still couldn’t read minds (damn it). Oh well, that’s life. At least I'm glad I was given an opportunity and now have more experience and therefore, a bigger chance to find something else. I’ll certainly miss all the freaks there though – there’s nothing quite like two guys singing Lady Gaga in falsetto in the morning. And, more time for the bloody essays! I really wanted to go home for a bit after submitting them, but I guess that’s also out of the question. At least I won’t start rioting on the streets like some people. Seriously, when I saw the newspapers last week, I thought I was in a movie. Children of Men, to be exact. I avoid giving my opinion about all the riots, but I do believe things are going too far. While there can be a number of good reasons to riot and rebel, vandalising, breaking into people’s homes and humiliating them is really going over the top. And when you see children at the age of 9 being there, you really start believing that this planet is screwed. Still I hope things will end peacefully and as soon as possible.
That’s all from me for now, so take care, whoever is reading this.

…and tell me, please, oh, is this broken?

Oookay, let us have a teeny tiny sum up of the last two weeks. Starting with the good news, Joe has a job. It’s a big relief and I’m really happy about it, although I had to ask the big boss lady to shorten my shifts. The last two days my friend and I had a so-called trial at this restaurant in a holiday kinda town called Clarach. It’s basically a fish and chips shop – “The Great British takeaway”! The first day we went early and cleaned everything and then I did some work on the ice-cream kiosk. Yesterday they put me where the real deal is, haha – frying and preparing the food. We finished at 10pm and they showed us our shifts – from 12 noon till 10 in the evenings every day except Thursday. Let me make it clear that I didn’t mind that work at all – it’s pretty fun and time flies when there are customers, but because of my discopathy my back wouldn’t take all this pressure of standing up for 10 hours everyday. Plus I still need to study for my essays, so I asked if I could take the cleaning job in the morning for just 3 hours. I know it’s not 60 hours a week like it was initially, but I have no intention of risking my health any further. It might sounds stupid, or silly or whatever you wanna call it, but I’m actually a bit glad to discover that for me, money isn’t everything. I still need it, I’m very grateful I got this job, but my health comes first (selfish, selfish Joe).
Apart from that, everything else is fine. In fact, a lot of good things happened to me at once, out of nowhere, and I know that this is never a good sign, so I’m wary and waiting for karma to knock me out pretty soon. Hopefully it won’t, but I will still be waiting.
Now, the bad news is….. there are no new scribbles. My condolences to you! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to explore the battles of the Somme!

Do I really need a title?

The last 3 posts were just scribbles without Joe trying to be funny, so I guess it’s time to make an entry. To briefly explain the scribbles first, Requiem was sort of a story that came to my mind after reading a poem. My humble opinion was that it could make a nice drama-like movie situated in the 1960s, but given that I’m never gonna be a movie director or a script writer, I thought it could at least take the form of something resembling a poem. And the perfect song to go with it - again, in my opinion – is the Dismantled cover of Morningstar by AFI. As for Floor of Shame – I had an empty document titled like that for quite some time, and I knew I wanted to make fun of a certain type of people. Namely, the people who think themselves better than others, who mock and make fun of the different and have zero to none real values in their lives. And the verse in the previous post, I guess it can be put with the shorter ones without a name that I’ve put together. Not much to say about it, really, I think it speaks for itself. As for the person it is about, let me just call them Harry.
In other news, my exam results came out today, and I’m more than proud to say I’ve taken all of them this time! With good marks, too. And to think I was on the verge of receiving a heart attack yesterday over this. This is the first time I have higher marks in Politics than in Psychology, which was the bigger shock. I’m especially happy about my Political Theory mark – I guess when you truly enjoy something, it pays back. Thank you, Hobbes, thank you, Locke, thank you, Rousseau, thank you, Godwin, and thank you, Bakunin! (for the record, I’m not talking about LOST characters) I wish I could take a similar module in my third year, but alas, that’s not going to happen. Too bad, we had a kickass lecturer!
This is pretty much all I have to say for now. Not that I’m that boring, but because I would give information that I do not want some people reading this blog to know. Because sometimes, people just don’t know when to quit!

If the world's coming to and end,
if the darkest days are here, not ahead,
if someone tells me: you can save only one from this earth
...I would always choose you.

Floor of Shame

"Dear diary of mine,
my life is so totally fine!
It all just sucks, and I ain't got anything right
to wear at that fancy dress party tonight!

It's been 2 days since my last shopping
and absolutely nothing fits me, fuck!
And my stupid parents cut the money coming -
I just wanna die, I'm so out of luck!

And all these exams, oh my god!
Who cares that I'm gonna flunk?
I should pay a geek to do it, nothing odd,
and then I'll get totally drunk!

I've now perfected dancing like a whore,
and I can pulk my lips exactly like a duck!
If I have too much, I just throw up on the floor,
then I give blow jobs in my truck!

I'm just so proud of myself so far,
but I wish my parents weren't so fucked up!
Oh, it's time to get my brand new car,
and then, diary, I'll buy me some Barbie makeup!

xoxo"

There's a tragedy I wanna laugh about,
a comedy that's worth crying for
The throat is dry, but I wanna shout -
to warn you for the tar about to pour

For every second you get weaker,
I'm getting twice as stronger
Because you were all immortal once,
but chose to do the deathbed dance

For you I was a photographer, a hair dresser,
a make-up artist for a penny lesser
A petty poet, a midnight dancer,
a comfort shoulder, a simple answer

And my hairs went white,
the pictures burnt in smoke
The dance became a fight,
my stories were mocked
The words began to bite,
my shoulder broke

Therefore - to all the bastards and the liars,
I have an announcement to make:
I am done apologising,
go love something fake!

Keep your hands in dirty pockets,
Concrete your feet to the ground
Keep your eyes in your bloody sockets
And try to live a day without a sound

Even if I'm crushed each day
by wretched flaws like you,
I don't wanna know the price you pay
to those keeping you under their shoes

The legacy you'll leave to drown
is nothing more but a pile of bricks -
a pathetic society of clowns
from which it makes me sick!

Requiem

Chapter 1

It's 6 in the morning, the sun with clouds has risen
Allie opens her eyes to the window and a dirty pigeon
It's a tiny yellow room full of stories never spoken
A tiny yellow room of angels, and their wings remain broken

The bed she shares with Lily, and naked still she sleeps,
while the boys are resting on the floor, where green bottles weep
No power in the switch, no water in the bathroom - nothing odd,
angels spend their money to bathe in the holy blood of God

A few kicks, instead, and shouts to awaken them,
and they rise to their feet for another day of mayhem
"Right, do we have all? - keys, smokes, last night's nasty pain.
Yeah, that's about it, mates - let's go shower in the rain!"

Another day on the roof, spent cursing ants on the ground,
the night, maybe smoking in the bar, with someone new to be found
Lily's dancing in amok, Allie sits and stares,
the boys are kissing through the smoke, he's watching her from upstairs

Allie wanders off in thoughts, falling almost catatonic,
then his voice she hears and comes back: "This room's beyond my logic!"
Her eyes are blurry like the sky, her blood - dashed with fireflies,
but she finds her tongue just enough to tell him one simple "Hi"

"I hope your friends won't mind
if I take you off your chair -
they all seem swell and kind,
and we could use some fresh air."

The light was dim and not so bright,
but Allie caught Lily's eyes of hazel -
"We'll go home, you just have a pleasant night,
okay? And have fun, my little angel!"

And Allie showed him their wretched city from atop,
its broken bones and its crooked spine
And they stayed up there till the rain began to drop,
and him saying, "If you're an angel, then heaven is divine"

But she was never good at explaining
and he lived so misled for weeks
until he finally came to attaining
the true meaning of her friends' speak

If heaven was divine that night,
then his hell was rage and wrath
He chased her down to a street out of sight,
yelled at her to stop and stood in her path

"-Am I the lab rat in your circus?
Do I get some freaking medal now?
-Please calm down, I'm not your Judas...
-Oh, I would, my dear Allie, if you tell me how!

-I think you were confused about me, I'm not that much unique...
-Oh, what should I be confused about - that you're a worthless freak?!
And you all laughed at me, you did, I saw, leaning on that wall...
My little angel, she called you... well, I guess all angels fall"

Chapter 2

Allie, no, she didn't cry,
and he swiftly was forgotten
They were used with his kind
All he said had already been spoken

And one day a knock came on the door
The window was broken, the pigeon was dead
Among the glass lay a stone with a note saying "Whore"
But a lot sharper crystals lay ahead

Her sister was there, long ago withdrawn
Allie wondered, "Why are you here?"
and received an answer from the eyes that were smeared -
her mother was gone.

A house. Her castle. Now was just a ruin.
A king. Her father. Now was just a whoreson.
He went to the drive way to watch her arrive
and gave her a hug, glad that his daughter's alive

After her mother was sent to the dust
She saw someone she thought had remained in her past
"-So your mommy has to die to show your face around here?
Well I hope wherever you are now, you've become more sincere.

But I'm sorry for your mother, Allie.
-Yeah, I'm sorry for her too.
She never really learned to love me.
...And his words just rolled: Who would love you?"

Chapter 3

Soon afterwards she was back to that one place
where no one was judging and everything made sense
There was nobody home, but to the door very close
there lay a note, saying, "Lily had an overdose"

But before she could reach the hospital's gate
An angel came out and crouched crying in the snow
Allie stopped dead and went no further - it was too late
Backward she ran and lit up a smoke, followed by crows

The bones went grey,
and the spine was going to freeze
The river below was flowing away,
and the fireflies weren't at ease

"Who's that creature there, jumping in the lane?
Oh, yes, I remember now - that's me, trying to fly again...
But I forgot to remember that all angels fall in the ditch."
Then she turned around, dashed, and jumped off.......

Dance of the Dawn, it’s been a pleasure

Okay, time to update this thing a little bit. So all the exams are over as of two weeks now, and I’ve been bored to death most of the time. The only things that brought a little life in our daily routine was me almost drowning in the pool the other day, and FINALLY going to Devil’s Bridge yesterday. Just to clarify about the first, it wasn’t that bad, I just went (or was pushed by some people!) underwater without holding my breath and swallowed too much water. But after 2 minutes of coughing everything was okay. As for Devil’s Bridge, I wanted to visit the place even before I ever came to Aber, and it was great fun indeed. After arriving, our first try to find the place resulted in us walking the wrong way for about 10 minutes before we realised it. Here I would like to thank the boys for this lovely opportunity. After taking the right path we finally found the famous three bridges, and the stairs leading down to the river and the Devil’s cauldron underneath them. After considerable amount of picture taking and goofing around, we headed up. There was another path leading to the waterfalls, but the gate required 2 x 1 pound to enter, and we didn’t have any coins left. We even had to squeeze by two at a time to enter the gate to the bridges, since we had only 2 coins of 1 pound. So we decided we’ll visit the waterfalls another time, there is a train going from Aber to the bridges anyway.
What else, what else… I started reading “The Picture of Dorian Gray” because it’s my best friend’s favourite book, and having not read it is a huge crime for the literature world (N.B. – I’m pretty sure it’s your favourite book, but if I’m mistaken, sorry!). After all, this is Oscar Wilde we’re talking about here! Speaking of writing, I’ve come up with…. nothing. :D But don’t worry, I’m sure the muse will strike me hard soon.
3 days left till we move from our lovely student house and go to another one for the summer. I’ll really miss the view, but I’ll sure as hell not miss the damn hill leading to it! On the one hand, I feel really fucked up that I’m stuck here for the whole summer, but on the other – I’ll at least miss the unbelievable heat that hits Bulgaria at this time of the year.
I think that’s all for now, expect next blogging…. not anytime soon! :D

Snakes on a plane?

Turbulence, my dear friends, is a very nasty thing. After more than 10 flights I thought I’ve overcome my fear of flying – but yesterday’s flight made sure that won’t happen for a very long time. The weather was very nice on taking off, the wind wasn’t that strong, but even when we were still on the track, the plane was going from left to right with full speed. The situation in the air wasn’t much nicer, it took approximately 20 min for the plane to normalize, during which time some people almost peed their pants (I’m not saying any names). On the other side, I think I took it a little more serious than I should have, because the old man next to me was sitting completely calm and reading the magazine…. while I was about to break the seat handles! Either that, or he didn’t care if we crash or not – he’s lived his life after all. That’s all nice and smooth, grandpa, but I (just decided) I wanna live! Anyway, apart from all the shaking on taking off and landing, the rest of the journey back to Aber was completely normal – for the first time. No missed trains, no delayed trains, no need to sleep on a bench – that’s so poetic I’m gonna drop a tear.
Four beautiful exams lie ahead of me and I should really get on revising because I decided I don’t like failing. Then a summer full of looking for a job and… looking for a job. It’s all nice and swell given that we still don’t have a place to stay. However, I’ve adopted a new tactic called “positive thinking” according to which I have to think everything will work out. And if it doesn’t, we’ll be positively sleeping in the park.
On another positive side, Joe hasn’t come up with anything new, but seeing the clouds from above was one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen and I hope it would give me something to write about. If not, again, I’ll be positively doing nothing. Bye-bye now, I’m going to revise positively.

Someday, tomorrow will be April 31st………

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

So I’ve been home for a week now, in case anyone wonders. I’ve barely turned the laptop on, this is the third time I’m doing it, but only because I had to do some work. Because next year is my final for my degree, we need to do a dissertation, and there’s an outline that needs to be submitted now, explaining what the dissertation would be about. Other than that, I didn’t really care about anything online. Oh, and I wasn’t really in the mood – you remember my lower back problem one month ago? Well, turns out I have discopathy on my back or something like that that causes the pain. So Joe is on pills again, surprise, surprise. It’s more fun imagining you’re suffering from something than having a real condition. But it’s not that serious, and I hope the pain would go away, so I can enjoy some of my break. I’ve literally been doing nothing for the past week, except playing around with the puppy. The puppy, who decided my fingers are his new chewing toy, and biting my pants – the only way he could move around. He’s currently being potty trained, and winning the battle so far, with a prize being a few slaps on his fluffy bottom. And as of last night, I have 4 new born kittens at home, so I can easily open a pet zoo. At least Benji will have some buddies to play with when they’re old enough.
So, yeah, that’s it. That’s all from the animal chronicles and the medicated Joe for now. No scribbles, I’ve been lazy for that too. And the next post will probably not be anytime soon, unless somehow I come up with something. Bye!

You’re waiting for a train…

Sooooo, Joe had a (not so) lovely trip to Manchester the other night to pick her cousin from the airport. Isn’t it funny how when you’re in a terrible rush, the trains are never on time, and you miss all your connections? The train from Aber was mostly on time, but half an hour later it stopped in the middle of nowhere for 40 min without any explanation. After the 30th minute, when everyone got extremely nervous, they finally announced that we’re waiting for another train to pass and clear the rails. Oh, gee, thanks for not caring if people need to catch another train and their tickets become worthless as a result! Anyway, we continued with our journey, but as you can imagine I did miss all the other trains. The good thing about the rail system here is that there are trains every hour or so. The bad thing for Joe, however, was when I arrived at Wilmslow, where I was supposed to catch the train to the airport, and missed it by just 2 minutes. TWO minutes! Why can’t THIS train get a little late? So the guy at the station told me there would be a BUS in an hour to the airport, but I would probably need a new ticket for that. Ok, fine, I got the ticket, and went outside to find the bus stop – at 10pm, outside, in the freaking cold, alone. The most positive thought that went through my mind while I was waiting was that I would most likely get mugged, and the most negative – that I would be raped and killed. After twenty minutes of despair and freezing to death, I said “Fuck it” and went to one of the taxis to ask how much it would cost to the airport. 12 pounds sounded extremely pleasant at that point, so I got right in and arrived at Terminal 3 in less than 10 min. When I picked my cousin, we had around 4 hours to wait for a bus to Manchester Piccadily and get a train from there. She, however, wasn’t feeling like staying still for so much time, so got on another bus to Manchester around 1pm. That way I can proudly (or not) say I was out in Manchester at 2 in the morning. And if we don’t count the 24-hour sleep deprivation, the journey back to Aber went as smoothly as I could have never imagined. That’s a freaking conspiracy – your life might depend on a train getting somewhere on time, and then chances are everything will screw up. But when you’re not in a particular hurry, everything runs on schedule. Riddle me this!
Apart from being unnecessarily dramatic about my rail journeys, everything else seems okay. I got two reports due this Monday, wrote one last night (because my biological clock was so fucked up after not sleeping properly for 24 hours, that I was in a mood to study!), plus my cousin went out with my housemates to see how British people get wasted on a Friday night, so I had some peace and quiet. 8 days left till I get home for the vacation, and I can barely wait! The good thing is that after the reports are done, I’ll have one week to relax and recycle my nerves.
As for scribbles, I haven’t been very productive lately, I only wrote one verse, so maybe I’ll try and come up with something after I’m done with the other stuff… but I don’t guarantee it!

Medicate

So Joe had a lovely day at the emergency today! And no, I’m sorry to say to all the ill-wishers that I’m not dying. Apparently it’s nothing serious, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting so damn much. The thing is I’ve been having some pains in the lower part of my back for a few weeks. It wasn’t that serious, because it was on and off, most days it didn’t hurt at all. I got a hot water bottle and pain relief gel and stuff like that and it was okay for a bit. Yesterday though it got worse, I couldn’t bend forward, no matter how I was standing or lying down, it still hurt. This morning I woke up with no pain, feeling relieved and all that. I was waaaay ahead of myself apparently. 5 minutes later just a simple bending to wash my face caused an excruciating pain, I couldn’t move, it became constant, so I thought I’d go and get an appointment at the hospital. I went to my lectures, but I only managed to get through one of them and then headed straight for the emergency at the nearest hospital. They did some tests, some of which I do not want to talk about or even remember ever again, and said that I’m fine and it’s probably something muscular. So they prescribed me some lovely painkillers and some other pills and said if the pain continues, I should see my GP. So it was a whole day of going back and forth to do this and that, with that pain, just sitting there and making me wanna strangle someone. Other than that it’s been swell, with all the essays and reports I need to finally get a start on. But don’t you worry, I’ll go through that too…. hopefully.

One year ago… and nothing’s changed at all….

Right. Well let me say that the crisis has been averted for now, and hopefully there will be no posts like the previous one in the near future. Everything I’ve been bottling up is out now, so I have room for more. I can’t say I’m okay, but I’m holding up, or at least trying. There isn’t anything much to say, academic work is going somewhat as usual, personally I’m a mess as usual. No new scribbles yet either. The only thing that’s keeping my spirit up is that this time next month I’ll (hopefully) be home. I’m trying to come into terms with the fact that I’ll be here the whole summer, so I can at least enjoy some spring time.

…I got a word from someone I thought was left in the past. Someone I had started to let go. And once again I don’t know what to do. Being the fucking Libra that I am, I’m standing at a crossroad, not knowing which way to choose. Shit happens. :]

 

“There is no mountain that I can’t climb,
for you I’d swim through the waters of time.
As you go your way, and I go mine,
a light will shine, and it will be me.”

“If I could separate me from myself, I’d stay away from me.”

Hello, dear die-ary. Ready for another piece of depressing confessions? No? Okay, here goes.
I really hate having bad days (well, duuh, bitch, who likes having them?). And by bad days, I mean those that start bad from the morning and continue until 12:25… sorry, 12:26am. And I know that when you look at it from another angle, there are worse things that could happen to you. But those days happen to be the ones when you don’t have the energy to not give a fuck and go with the flow. And today was one of those days. What started it off was checking my exam results this morning. I didn’t have the courage to check them myself, I asked one of my friends to do it for me. As you have probably guessed, I failed. No, not all of them, good heavens, if it was all of them, I would be in the hospital right now. I failed the politics one – Warfare after Waterloo. Usually when I imagine bad things happening, somehow I reverse the process. I guess that can’t work all the time. I just knew I’m gonna fail it big time, like I did with the essay for it. And I thought the other alternative, European politics, would be boring. At least I took that module last year, I had some ground for it, I would have done better at it (enough hindsighting, smartass, you failed, it’s over). Yes, it is over, what I’m left with is a whole summer stuck in Aber and a fucking resit at the end of August. Geez, they couldn’t do it in the beginning, so I can enjoy at least one month of my vacation. Sorry, Benji, it seems you and I aren’t gonna see each other very often. It is possible to have the resit in Bulgaria, at the embassy, but I’m sure my parents will have a word to say about that. Or against that, for that matter. They did try to calm me down, that it’s not a big deal, that they have failed exams a number of times. My friends here failed theirs as well and don’t really give a shit. And I know it’s not a big deal, that I’m probably reacting this way, because it happens to me for the first time, that I have to stay here anyway to look for a job… But every time something that keeps taking me back home leaves my life, something else comes in its place. And it sounds ridiculous – to want to go home for some silly dog, or because you still feel like a kid, or because you want to see your friends, those who really understood you, or because you miss terribly the ones you could talk to for hours without getting bored but never gonna speak to ever again… or because you know you’re never gonna find anyone to replace them. And all this because I failed one stupid exam…
Anyway, that’s what made my entire day feel like shit. I did have some moments of clarity, but on the inside it was still the same. Today was the Bulgarian Liberation Day, our national holiday. Some 3rd year students organised a party in one of the restaurants in town for the Bulgarians. After I saw my results in the morning, I didn’t wanna go at all, they barely convinced me anyway. But everyone told me to go, to clear my mind and stop thinking about the results, and have fun. Well, guess what, I didn’t have fun. Five minutes after we got in, I already wanted to go home. Tonight was just another slap in my face. Our music, our behaviour, everything there reminded me why I went to study abroad, why I couldn’t stand living in my country. But it also showed me something else – that I don’t fit in there either. When you’re in another country, having people from your home place around is supposed to make it easier. It made me feel like an alien. I didn’t fit at home, I don’t fit here. At one point, I was all alone at the table, and I don’t blame anybody for that. Everyone would choose to have fun than to stay with the sad weirdo. That’s my problem – I want someone who would choose to stay with me over alcohol and vulgar fun, and I know that person doesn’t exist. I’m one knife to the heart away to finally admitting something to myself – that I’m not special, I’m not unique, I’m not here for a reason, and people leave me the second they find something better (Damn it, Disney, that’s not what you said it would be!!!).
I know I sound a lot emo, I know nobody fit in when they were teenagers, but, hey – I’m not a fucking teenager anymore, and I still don’t fit in anywhere. Sometimes the dark thoughts crawl back into my mind and refuse to leave. You know – the suicidal ones. I go to the beach often and all the time I just want to throw myself off the bridge and be done with it. I never wanted to be this way. It just happened I was sad all my life. For no reason at all, most of the time. No wonder people would leave me. I’m too weak for this world, and the world doesn’t need another whiny brat still living with hopes, dreams and fairytales. How can you be 20 years old and already broken by everything? I haven’t  even lived a bad life, I didn’t grow up in poverty, I didn’t have my parents divorce, I didn’t lose them, I didn’t have accidents or diseases to ruin me. I just lived the wrong life, got in the wrong place at the wrong time. A grief for something that never happened – that’s gotta be it. I hope there’s another dimension where I got everything right, I really do. Sometimes I actually wish for the Apocalypse to happen and erase all that shit around me. That way I can finally stop worrying about the future. Ironic, isn’t it?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Ookay, I need to make a few corrections connected with the previous post. First, I am the proud owner of an adorable little baby pekingese! And since it’s a BOY, I think the name Roxanne will not suit him very well. So we settled for Benjamin instead. All my efforts and pleas to name him Nemo were in vain, because my mom didn’t like how it sounds. So Benji was the only one we both agreed upon. And he’s really cuuuute! I can’t stand the fact that everyone at home would have already seen him and hugged him before me. :/ Damn you, university!!!
The second good news is that I fixed the Live Writer, which is comfortable news for no one but me, but I thought I’d share that anyway, just in case someone has lost their sleep over it (sarcasm intended).
That’s it? I wrote an entire post just for these two things? Nothing else to say? Oh, yeah, I forgot, I’ve no social life to talk about. xD In terms of new scribbles, I have some stuff on the way, but there’s no guarantee they’ll be done soon. So, I wish all the puppies around the world a wonderful evening/morning/afternoon, depending on their geographical position. Ta-ta!

El Tango de Roxanne

My dear no-ones-who-read-this, good evening! Last weekend I barely survived some virus in my laptop, was even about to re-install Windows, but somehow we managed to fix it - that's the advantage of living with two computer science students. However, my beloved Windows Live Writer appears to have fallen a victim to that, because it's not working at all, but given the fact my laptop is ok, I can live without the Writer. So I was right when I said things were gonna screw up indeed. It's not THAT a big problem, but for a student who does all her work on the laptop, plus studying in another country and not having anywhere to give it for repair, it can be really frustrating. I've probably used half my nerve reserve. At least I'll know to never ever ever EVER go to leep2.com again.
On a brighter note, I got my results from the last psychology report for semester 1 today (remember, that with the fingers?). I'm seriously considering throwing a party, 'cause I got 65 fucking percent, which is the highest mark I've received for a report. I finally got the hang of it! On an even brighter note, my mom will take a puppy this Saturday, because having cats for 15 years taught they are total rebels! They do whatever they want, they pee wherever they want, they sleep in your feet whenever they want... so I decided I need something to worship me, instead of me worshiping the whiskers. The downside of it is that I'll probably see the little bundle of joy in a few months, or even later. Seriously, I'm this close to quit university to take care of the pooch (but don't tell anyone!).
I was thinking of posting something on St.Valentine's Day, wishing everyone a Happy Monday to rub the noses of all the florists and chocolate companies.... but I thought that would be too obvious. So I guess that's all I had to say for now. Take care and be careful when you surf the Internet!

P.S. - As for the title, I already named the puppy Roxanne. Plus, I watched Moulin Rouge! again last night.

Enter a post title – No title!

Before I have forgotten to mention, I finally kept a promise I made to myself 2 years ago. I mentioned then that I want to get a hold of George Orwell’s “1984”, but I couldn’t find it anywhere so I said that would have to wait until I go to university. And a few days ago (a week, actually, I’m not very good with time intervals) I was killing time at the book store and remembered to look for it. I shouldn’t be allowed to enter a music or book store, because I always leave with at least 2 things. This time the things were the fore-mentioned “1984” and a collection of poems and short stories by Edgar Allan Poe. Yeah, well, what do you expect, I’m into these kinda stuff. I could have bought more stuff, but I managed to control myself this time. Otherwise, I would’ve got out of there with a Terry Pratchett 2011 Calendar and a very thick copy of Oscar Wilde. What stopped me was the price, of course, and the sudden spark of reality that I’ll have no place in my suitcases for so many books when it’s time to move again. Oh, and one other thing – how come my friend found 4 favourite books for only 1.99 (War and fucking Peace, that 2kg beast!), while I had to pay a little less than 20 pounds for two freaking books?! And I didn’t get a student discount! Apparently, only academic books are sold with discount, go figure. -.-
In other news, semester 2 started the other day, and I submitted my last report for semester 1, also the other day. So far things are going smoothly, which, like I said a few posts ago, means that everything is about to screw up pretty soon. But I’m not complaining. Yes, I got soaked in the rain outside today, but I’m not complaining. Everything is squishy, whatever that means. So um, that’s it for now, ta-ta!

P.S. – Oh, man, I almost forgot! Happy whatever-it-is-you’re-celebrating-today day! Whether you’re groundhogs or men who prefer other men, have a nice day! And don’t forget to use protection! Okay, bye.

Long since past

Two posts in one day, uuuunbelievable!

"-Hi again! How are you? Been a while.
-I'm still the same.
-I went over the clouds and back, can you give me a smile?
-I'm not gonna change.
-I brought you pieces of a shooting star!
-They were someone else's home.
-They are said to heal the scars!
-My scars are long time gone..
-Hey, what's wrong, are you crying?
-No, I got something in my eye.
-What is it, darling?
-A memory of me and I..."

I watched her from the hill of sand,
She was wearing blue at the age of nine
It seemed like no one else was around
The time, the place, the dusk were only mine

She was swinging by herself,
gazing at the sea
and a horizon with no sunset,
then she turned and looked at me

She stared, was scared, but finally dared
to question my answer, still unprepared
"-Hi again, how are you? Been a while.
-Do I know you from somewhere?
-No, but I know your smile.
-How long have you been standing there?
-All my life, for all I know.
-I am sorry, I didn't see you.
-You will, in the mirror, when you grow.
-Will I be sad like you are too?"

And that was it. I said nothing more,
she once again looked at the shore.
I decided to hide all the pain and the slur
that there was ever going to be.
I laughed at her,
she cried for me.

"-I have to go.
-I have to stay...
Where are you going?
-Far away.
-Can I come and visit? Just for a while?
-You'll be there forever, don't forget your smile.
-Then can I say goodbye, can I give you a kiss?
-No.
-But why?
-...Because you don't exist."

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Goooood morning, everyone! It’s a beautiful Sunday morning, it’s 10:24 British time and if anyone wonders why I am awake in such an ungodly for me hour, weeeell, let’s say it’s all the Chinese’s fault. Nah, the thing is I got messaged by a friend to ask me if I wanna go to the Chinese restaurant for lunch, because I’ve been blabbing about Chinese food probably since the Christmas break. And I’ve never been out to eat here, so that’ll be a new and exciting experience! Wow, I’m too hyper today, right? And I was hyper yesterday, and the day before that… No particular reason, I’m just enjoying myself until everything gets fucked up again, because I know that’s what happens when you start to get reaaally happy. One moment you have nothing to complain about, the next one there’s a flood behind you. So, I’m gonna enjoy it as long as I can.
My exams are all over, whether I was successful on them I’ll find out in February. It wasn’t very fair to place them three days in a row, really. My first one was on the 19th and by 21st I was all done. The hard part was deciding which one to study for first. Now I have another report to write by the 31st, but I decided to go lazy for the weekend and start tomorrow. I really needed a break after that 3-day roller coaster. Plus, two of my exams were in the morning at 9.30, which meant that I, the creature of the night that doesn’t go to sleep any earlier than 1am, had to actually get up at 7, which was a not so nice remainder of my high school era, when I had to get up at 5.45 to get ready for school. Remembered it, don’t like it, don’t wanna try it again, thank you. Besides, it’s so boring early in the morning. Almost everyone is still sleeping, you’re cursing the alarm clock, it’s cold, and the bed is sooooo cozy. Anyway, I hope I don’t get to experience it anytime soon.
Also, there’s a sliiiight chance there might be a new scribble soon, but don’t put your bets on it. I’m too hyper to be depressed right now and write it, but who knows? I’m bipolar after all.

Just my luck

Legends can be told about my journeys from Bulgaria to the UK. There’s hardly a time when everything has been unproblematic in my return to Aber. The first time I came to Britain I missed my train, I had to buy a new ticket, and I spend the entire day running around train stations, desperately trying to reach a platform with only few minutes remaining. Other times I’ve missed the train by simply not staying at the right place. And of course there’s the nightmarish 4-day journey through Europe when a certain volcano decided it didn’t want its lava anymore. This time was no exception. Fortunately, I was flying from a different airport where there was no fog, unlike the one in our capital, so my flight didn’t get cancelled. Landing in London Luton, getting my luggage, no problem with that. My friend and I were supposed to get a bus to Milton Keynes where we had to get a train. The bus of course was 10 minutes late, and when we arrived at Milton Keynes, we thought the train station is right next to the bus stop. Oh, poor naive us (I wished for not being naive and this is what I get). We entered something resembling a train station that turned out to be a mall. After losing about 10 minutes in there, we asked a guy for directions. The man was kind enough to offer us a ride to the station, since it was nowhere near us and our train was leaving in 10 minutes. So we decided to ignore the rule “Don’t get into the car of strangers” and got on. His two little daughters summed up the situation like this: “This is so scary, on so many levels.” Scary or not, we reached the station, and the running began once again. Right at the stairs leading down to the platform, out of nowhere appeared a crowd going up. And here I am, once again with a big heavy suitcase and a backpack, trying to go down through a wall of people that didn’t seem to have an end. And right when I got down, the train left. At that point we were on the verge of crying, imagining how we finally have to spend a night at the train station. There was another train for Birmingham leaving in 20 minutes, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that at Birmingham we had to catch the train to Aber, the last train for the evening, and instead of half an hour we had no more than 5 minutes. I’m definitely not religious, but I believe someone was watching over us, because the lady on the train, the ticket-collector, was kind enough to check where the train leaves from, and told us that we could get off on the first stop in Birmingham, instead of on the one we had to. The thing was that the train to Aber happened to be leaving from that first stop, and since all the platforms there are at one level, it would be a lot easier to find ours. So we prepared for a lot of running, each of us grabbed a handle on the suitcase, and as soon as the door opened, we launched outside, got into the elevator, went on the other side of the station, down the stairs…. and we even had time to wait in the train. But we made it. Had we gotten off at the other station, we would have missed it, without a doubt, because when the train got there, it was 2 minutes early, and left 2 minutes early. And we could have missed it by those 2 minutes. But we made it. It cost us a lot of energy and strength, and my palms still hurt from dragging the damn suitcase, I limp when I walk from all the running and exhaustion… but I’m home. Now I’m looking ahead of studying for 3 exams, writing another report, having to find a job and an entire second semester waiting for me to screw up. And I admit that there are times when I want to just give up and quit everything, but I’m gonna make it. I keep going, no matter how hard it is. I certainly haven’t reached the point where I’ll draw the line, not yet. And having said that, it’s time to study, I wasted a lot of time writing here and procrastinating.

Joe the Homicidal Maniac

I have a name day today – Happy Name Day to me! It is a bit strange – celebrating my name while everyone calls me Joe… To some extend it explains why almost no one remembered it. Anyway, I don’t really care.
4 days left till I go back to the UK – I don’t even feel sad this time. I already saw that it’s not worth staying here for that long, except for my family. And I’m missing my friends there, at least there they don’t judge me as much as people do here.
Speaking of judging, I think I’m becoming keen on playing pool and that’s another reason to go back to Aber and start playing with my friends. A friend started teaching me here and at least I’m not level 0 anymore. I went playing with my dad today, ‘cause everyone else has already left for university. I will not repeat this activity. First, he let me play a few times in a row instead of taking turns. Then some braindead kids came and sat right next to us and started staring at me. And I got nervous. I could hear them making comments and laugh and dropping coins on the floor. I knew they wanted to play, and there were two other tables available that they could have used, but nooooo, they had to stare at my hands while playing… and missing. I was nervous enough that I can’t play well yet, I didn’t need a group of little idiots to mock me. I wished for a gun at that point. And I hope they sucked at their game more. Too bad I don’t know any Latin, I could have said something scary to their faces. >:D
Since I am a very boring person, this concludes today’s blog posting. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Year of the Rabbit

Well Happy New Year, everyone! I hope everyone who’s reading this had a good time, ‘cause I didn’t. What, are you surprised? It’s me after all, I’m rarely having a good time. This year (or last year, as of 3 days now) showed me a couple of things: that every time I come home there are less and less things to be coming back for; and how one person’s death can split the family. For the first part, all I can say is that apart from my parents and exactly 3 people I can call friends here, there’s no point coming home each vacation. Not anymore. I lost a lot of friends and people I used to consider more than friends, people for whom I would choose to stay and live in my country after graduation. Now that they’re gone, I see that there’s nothing to do here, almost no one to go out with…. nothing. What I feel good about is being with my parents and sleeping in my own bed in my own room. If someday I take them to live with me, I probably wouldn’t even come back anymore. My cousins have grown up too, one of them is attending high school in another city, her parents are considering moving, because apparently my aunt can’t stand living with her own mother. And speaking of them, this brings me to the second point. On New Year’s Eve I felt once again that I don’t belong – among my own family. My cousin had friends over so she completely cut me out and I had to move in the next room with the “adults”. No one from our relatives came, not even for Christmas. My great grandmother’s death was a very powerful weapon for dividing everyone. No one cares that much anymore. It wasn’t a very pleasant night, really. I felt like crying at midnight, the fireworks were nothing to be happy about… My mom and I went to the town center after 12, and left after 20 minutes, seeing it was a total boredom. I was in bed at 3, and there were times when I stayed up till morning. Nothing is like it used to be. I wish I was a child again… but I doubt this resolution would ever come true. Adult life sucks big time. Oh, and before I forget, here’s the list:

1.AFI – Midnight Sun
2.AFI – Jack the Ripper
3.AFI – Girl’s Not Grey
And there’s a bonus: 4.AFI – Prelude 12/21

All by AFI…. well, what do you expect, it’s the Year of the Rabbit! Let’s hope that at least this will bring me luck this time.