Goodbye, 2010, you were a bitch!

A few years ago, when I was still in high school, my New Year’s Resolution was to be a little less naive. Well, that came true and I turned out to be a lot more mistrustful than I wished for. And thinking about the past 2010 and what has happened, I see why I don’t let many people close to me anymore. If I have to recap again – I fell in love for the first time, and got my heart broken as a result; I had a job for the first time; my great grandmother passed away (I dream about her often, she always tells me she’s watching over me); I began my second year in university; I lost a few friends and gained some new ones… A lot of firsts when I look at it. Now, with less than 8 hours remaining till midnight, my New Year’s Resolution this time is to be a little more trusting towards new people. I wish to have the will to let more people in and to see that not all of them are bad and want to hurt me. I wish that despite all the pain, I’ll have the courage to move on and keep only the good memories. Wish everyone who has the misfortune to read this a successful New Year and all the happiness in the world! I’ll be back tomorrow (if I don’t forget) with the first 3 songs listened to in 2011. Only one year left till Judgement Day if you believe in that, so make the most of it!

I’ll still be here, I promise

Okay, first off – Merry Christmas, everyone! I wish everyone to be happy now and all year round, and to have the strength to endure the tough moments when they become unbearable. As my own tradition, I’m posting my short version of The Night Before Christmas, weird style. xD And after that, I have a surprise.

'Twas the NightMare before Christmas, when all through the loss not a creature was stirring, not even a ghost. The stockings were hung by the chimney without care, in hopes that Sandy Claws soon would be there... But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Terrible Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!

Now, my surprise is that I finally wrote a new scribble! It’s a Christmas miracle! Most of it is old stuff that I stitched together with some new, but the point is that my “dry” period is over… for now. I wrote it two days ago, buuut was too lazy to post it then. So enjoy the scribble and happy holidays to everyone!

Our most dearly departed perfect lost souls;
Our most favorite of all little porcelain dolls:
We don't usually pray, but for you we'll make an exception -
may He take his revenge, burning your immaculate conception

We are the children of the no-ones-at-all
We're the children of those who decided to fall
We're poets accursed, renting rhymes to each other
We're cited references in a book read by another

The scars on our bodies are our diplomas
The next step is our new home
A new wall of fame to give them the honours
A year or less and then we'll be gone

We like to watch you from afar,
we love to feed on your pain
But we're really hoping that you die, we are,
so we'll never have to cry for you again

We're half-winged angels, created by smoke
Our hearts weren't meant to last forever
A day came and they eventually broke -
It is sad in heaven when you're living in terror...

Angels' hair grows white
once angels see the darkness in His light
So now we travel your land
with snow and ice, hand in hand

And when we're happy, we cry,
when we're sad, we smile.
When we're born, we die,
we're only here for a little while

We don't know where we are today
We don't know if we'll have tomorrow
We only know that we were betrayed -
here, we give you our song of sorrow

We'll play with thunder,
we'll kiss the sea,
until the waves put us under -
an ocean bed for us there'll be

As our last gift, let us honour you
with the only promise that we won't keep -
when the rest of the world walks out,
we'll be the first ones to leave

Prelude 12/21

I think I forgot to mention I’m home. Yeah, I was busy being happy, sorry about that. But I’m really grateful I managed to get home safely despite the bad weather. When I saw the snow in the morning on the 17th, I wanted to drop dead, really. We were supposed to get to the airport by car, but then we heard the motorways were closed and there were crashes, so we bought last minute train tickets. Seriously, those British have no idea what real snow is! They panic by the sight of 2 cm and all transport freezes – literally! Anyway, the train was late with 15 minutes, but it could have been more, so that’s okay. The problem was there were around 100 people at the station, and the train had only 3 coaches - we barely manage to jam in. A few stops later they attached two more coaches so we were able to find proper seats and have an actual room to breathe. But because of the delay, and the fact it took 15 minutes for everyone to get on the train at the station, we missed the next trains, and had to switch 4 other trains. Luckily, our tickets worked for all routes and we were at the airport in Manchester at around 11pm, our flight was at 6:45 in the morning so we had plenty of time to sit around and wait. Flying from Manchester was the best decision I’ve ever made. The only cancelled flights there were for Amsterdam and London, but everything else was okay. Our flight was one hour late, but it wasn’t because of the weather, it was something to do with the crew – our guess was they were still drunk and needed to get sober. xD Everything ran smoothly from then on, we landed in Sofia, my mom was waiting for me, we got a bus home and I arrived in my town around 8pm. I hadn’t slept for almost 2 days, but when I got home, I was fresh as a flower. I cried when I saw the lights and everything… I may sound like a baby, but I love my town – as small as it may be, as rude the people may get – it’s my home and nothing’s gonna change that.

By the way, today is the day the world is supposed to end, two years from now, according to the Mayans. BUT, it is also the day of winter solstice, which means it is officially winter now. I choose to ignore the first fact and focus on the second one. As I’m writing this, it’s not 21st anymore, but who cares – it’s winter! I wish it would snow again, because it started melting and it’s rather slippery on the streets, and I would really like to make a snowman and go to a sleigh ride again. That’s what I did my first day here, on Sunday – went sleighing with the kids, because I am one big kid inside!

No scribbles yet, but I’ll try to write one as a Christmas present – so the next post will come in around 3 days. Good night for now.

Life stories

I can now say I am officially DONE with my final report for the semester! And I even went over the word limit – for the first fucking time! Now let’s hope I’ll receive a good mark, ‘cause otherwise I’ll anathemize celebrities forever. I only have 3 Wikis left to write, but they’re piece of cake, so I’ll have no problem with them. And I have one last seminar next week, so I’ll have to read a little bit for that too, BUT the big thing is done! I’m submitting it tomorrow and start breathing free air again. 6 days left till I go home, so please, Mother Nature, don’t make it snowy, or foggy, or rainy, or icy, pleeeeaaase! I recycle regularly, please be kind to me! Okay, that was a bit weird, but She’s the only one you can’t control, so…. exactly. I forgot what I wanted to say. Or maybe I didn’t have anything else to say. Yeah, that’s it, I just wanted to shout that my report is DONE! I’ll try to write something the next few days, if I can.

You’re forgiven

I’ve been having a lot of fairytale dreams lately. Maybe all the Disney classic movies from the past week have finally influenced me. I should probably stop watching them so frequently, because lately the only place I feel I’m actually happy is in my dreams. And then I wake up and I’m… here, alone. I also dream about people I’ve never met. For some reason, they seem to like me. In the past few years I began to wonder, if you dream about people you don’t know and have never met, do they dream about you too? I know it sounds stupid and that it’s not possible, but sometimes I really wish it’s true. I also dreamt about writing a new scribble, so hopefully at least this part will come true.

Still one more report left to write. I should really get my hands on it tomorrow, at least it’s my free day. Not that the other ones aren’t, I barely have lectures throughout the week, but it takes me something like 4 hours to get ready, go to university, have my lecture(s) and go back home. Practically my entire day is wasted and when I return home, I’m too tired and/or lazy to do anything. There you go, I said it – I am a lazy bitch. If there only was a module where you can only watch movies and review them. Oh, wait, there IS a module for this – for those who study cinema and television. Well, at least I get to have an insight into people’s sick brains. Speaking of psychology, I had a test today in Social Psychology and this was officially the last lecture for the semester… I think. Well, more free time for Joe to focus on her report.

With risk to be called a sectarian again, I went through the town’s cemetery on the way home this afternoon in total darkness. It’s not because I’m touched in the head, sick, insane or something like that – it’s just a shortcut. I always pass through there when I walk on that road. It wasn’t even scary – I find it very peaceful. I admit that for a moment I expected someone to jump from behind some bush and scare the shit out of me, but nothing happened. If only I could find a job cleaning the cemetery, that would be great. Once again, it’s not because I’m obsessed with death, I just think the deceased deserve a good looking resting place. But they probably have some old lady to do this.

I’ve now run out of things to say. I hope the next time I write here, it would be accompanied with a scribble.

Okay, I feel better now

And for the last time in November, I’d like to wish a Happy Birthday to Jade Puget from AFI! I wish you everything wonderful, and if you update your blog more often, that would be great, ‘cause it’s been 3 months since you last wrote anything. We need you to make us laugh, Jade! And to finally release that bloody Blaqk Audio album!

As for me, I finished my second assignment a few hours ago and can finally breathe. But I don’t really feel any better. I’ve had a really shitty week, feeling down all the time. And all my friends are constantly asking me what’s wrong. I just don’t know how to tell them it’s nothing they can help me with – when I try to explain it always sounds wrong. It’s nothing personal, but sometimes I need to be alone for a while so I can deal with it myself. I’m sorry but I can’t share it with anyone. And the only person I could isn’t around anymore. So I’m left to recover by myself. But I will be ok, eventually. They need to understand that when I’m ready I’ll come around and smile again. But just not now.
I started reading PostSecrets a few days ago. I think it’s a brilliant idea – you can tell the whole world your deepest secrets and no one will know it’s you. The best hiding place is the most visible one, they say. I even created an album on Facebook with my favorite postsecrets – and put mine among them as well. Maybe I’ll send it as a postcard to PostSecret someday.

Only 20 days left till I go home – I can’t wait. Once that damn plane lands and I get my luggage and see my mom, everything will be ok.

Today’s Lesson

Okay, I know I’m late, but I forgot. And I’m really sorry. So without any further delays I wanna wish a little late Happy Birthday to Ville Valo from HIM! Wish you all the best, to you and the band, you deserve it! ^^

As for me, I woke up in a very fucked up mood yesterday, and it continues today as well. And since I hadn’t watched any horrors in a while, I decided to catch up with two, one right after the other…. And my brain was seriously tampered with – literally. I watched The Loved Ones and then Martyrs. The first one I could have dealt with and forgotten 5 minutes after watching, but Martyrs… If you ever need to vomit your brains out, I recommend that one. It’s not that much bloody (although there’s enough blood in it) as it is mentally disturbing and will give you goose bumps long after it’s over. It will also give you a lot to think about… while vomiting.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I still haven’t written any scribbles, but I promise I’ll try after I’m done with my assignments. Two of them left, then it’s packing for me! But until then, I’ll continue being angry and fucked up. Cheers!

Happy Dirtday, Davey!

No, I did not forget. I’m perfectly aware of who has a birthday today. I was just busy the whole day, going to the pool in the morning and acting like a bitch, and reading for my essay in the afternoon. So without further delays, I wanna wish once again a Happy Birthday to Davey Havok! I wish you all the best, and more than that. I know no one will ever read this, but just in case, I’m ready to kick anyone in the nuts if they say something bad about you (as I did today, but for other reasons, for which I’m really sorry). I love you, I love AFI, I love your lyrics, and I try to use them as a guide for my life, sometimes more successfully, sometimes not so much. I hope you’ll have a great day, and maybe you and Jade could hurry up with Blaqk Audio a bit? And remember, “Your fight makes it all worthwhile”!

As for me, I have to submit my essay on Monday, and all I can think of right now is the American Civil War. I’m taking a break currently to catch up with some friends and clear my brain from battles, and Confederates, and Federals for a bit. After that I have two Psychology reports to write, aaand after that I’m going hoooome. This is a really good news, because there was a possibility that I won’t be able to get a ticket. We though the prices would go down, because there were some really cheap tickets for the beginning of December. But when I found out they would only go up, I booked the first flight I saw, and I now I can rest in peace. Well, not exactly in peace, I need to write my assignments first, but I feel good knowing I will go home after that.

By the way, remember that pretentious lecturer I was complaining about? Yeah, she’s not that bad, actually. We had a seminar with her last week, and I really liked her. Everything I said about her, I take back, she’s cool. I even decided what I want to specialize in psychology because of her. Ready? Drums……………… MUSIC PSYCHOLOGY! You weren’t that surprised, were you? It seems perfect for someone who loves music, I can have it in my career as well. I’m already a professional in interpreting lyrics… thank to the birthday guy..

So basically, that’s it for now. I’ll write again in two days for the other birthday guy. ^^ It’s killing time again….

What comes around, goes around

Okay, I have some good news. That pretentious lecturer of mine accepted the transcription of the interview, so everything’s ok. Then I have some neutral news that tend to go on the good side – as a future psychologist, I think I’m going in the right direction. Most of my friends tend to let it all out by talking to me about their problems and at least I know I’m listening. And answering to questions with questions. xD It kinda feels good that they trust me and choose me to confide in. And speaking of friends, here comes the sort of bad news part. Remember how in high school you promised you’re never gonna forget each other, you’ll be friends no matter what? Weeeeell, that’s not exactly the case. Last year, my first year in university, wasn’t very different – I managed to keep in touch with my old friends, even from a distance. But coming back to university this September, things began to change. Everyone seems to be too busy to just say one “Hi”, even online. They’re sooo into their new lives with their new friends that they don’t really care about the old ones, the ones that really know them and love them, care about them, and miss them every fucking day. Actually, they don’t all drift apart. The ones you never expected to are the ones that stick around. The ones you may have had so many conflicts with prove to be the ones that always ask you “Are you ok?” just to be sure. But your best friends – they hurt you the most. I know it happens with every generation, but I can’t seem to understand how exactly. You begin to get so far apart, that at one moment you see no point in trying to stay in touch. I don’t really see why you wouldn’t try to talk to your friends, even for 10 min a day, considering that a year ago they were the people you spent almost all of your time with. I tried to stay in touch – but they’re always too busy. For fuck’s sake, who isn’t busy? I have a life of my own, I have my own work to do, but I manage to get enough time for my friends when they need me. So I decided, if they don’t have time for me, don’t want me to be a part of their life anymore, I’ll leave them alone. I’m not saying I’m gonna forget them, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to stay in touch with people who don’t do the same. If at some point they want to look for me, I’ll always be here, ‘cause I’m still ready to die for them. The sad part is that I feel they wouldn’t do the same. After all, everyone has priorities. Mine happen to be my friends, above all. I get sick just of the thought that on every school reunion, or class reunion, we’re gonna look at each other, not knowing who the other is anymore, and say, “Oh, remember how we were best friends in high school?” Maybe I’m taking things too seriously, but I can’t help feeling sad, or even disappointed. And I can’t understand why we’ve spent so much time building a friendship and trying to keep it when we can discard it so easily. It’s like somewhere along the line something went terribly wrong, but you have no idea what it is and how to fix it.
But, life goes on, right? And one thing I’ve certainly learned this year is to let go of people who can without any problems let go of me. If by any chance they care, then they have a funny way of showing it.
You are thankful for those who still want you in their life and hope that somewhere there are others that will make your life even better. You just need to find your way to them. And for those who choose to live their life without you – they don’t know what they’re missing.

It’s not okay.

I opened the blog from the beginning a few minutes ago, just to see what I was like then, in case I have forgotten, and to see if I’ve made any progress with… actually with everything. Turns out this blog had a birthday recently – 2 years. Wow… I thought it was more. I did have another blog a few years back, but I didn’t really know what to write about in it, so I just wrote one post and left it, and eventually I deleted it. But this one turned out to be my personal diary that anyone can read. That’s the thing with the internet – it can divide people and bring them together. I read this quote today by Esther Dyson, “The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.”  So I can pour everything I need to let out in this blog, I can be myself, but at the same time, any weirdo with an access to a computer can see it and read it. It’s… kinda fascinating in a way.
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m not in my greatest mood. I had a really bad day. Everything began to go wrong since this morning. First, I was woken up by a text message, then I received an email by one of my lecturers that just made me wanna strangle somebody. You see, we had an assignment to transcribe a celebrity interview. By itself, this was pretty stressful and time consuming, because you have to pause the clip every few seconds to write down everything they say, and then constantly rewinding the parts where you can’t hear what they’re saying. We had to work in pairs, and my partner and I managed to get it done yesterday, and I sent it to the lecturer in charge. The email I mentioned was just too much. She began nagging about the transcription not being in the right font, and that we hadn’t put the proper headings at the beginning, and stuff like that. I know we have to do our assignments, but why do you have to nag about so small things? My whole day went straight down the drain, because I couldn’t stop worrying about it. We edited it, the way she wants it, and if she doesn’t like it again, and makes it a problem for us, and if this affects our reports…. I seriously don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t even know if I have the right to complain to the Head of department if something goes wrong. I just hope she likes it now that we have edited it and leave us in peace. You can’t just arrive at the department and start acting this way. None of our lecturers are so strict, no one is perfect, you can’t expect them to be, especially when they’re university students. We are bound to make mistakes and learn from them.
I think I was a little more philosophical that I should have. But it was a long day, it was an awful day, and I needed to say this somewhere. I have this saying that I heard some time ago, that sorta keeps me in shape, gives me hope in times like this: “Everything’s gonna be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. Well it’s certainly not okay now, I just wish the end would come soon.

Daylight savings time rocks!

I actually had to open my blog, because I completely forgot what I blabbed about the last time. And after seeing it, I can comment on some stuff from the previous post that hadn’t happened when I wrote it. My birthday came and went straight to history, I’m 20, don’t feel very different, except that people would be expecting some responsibilities from me from now on – well, good luck to them! And we finally have internet at home, which is pretty lovely, and an internet speed, which is not so lovely. But it’s something.

I gave blood again the other day, fulfilling my duty to society once again. The nurses there said that Aber looks like Hogwarts, because apparently when you drive to get to the town, you only see mountains and hills like when you’re on the Hogwarts train, and it just pops up from nowhere. It’s still a nice compliment, even though I’m not particularly a fan of Harry Potter. Also, I’ve started looking for a job again, gave my CV to a shoe store and I always keep an eye on Career Service page of the University site for new positions available. Academically speaking (that sounded weird), we’re filled with reports and essays and article reviews, and honestly, I have no idea how I’m gonna do most of them, and by the time I’m done, I’m gonna be a total wreck. Oh, how I look forward to Christmas….

I didn’t remember to write a post here about Halloween, did I? No, it wasn’t because I had such a wonderful and spooky time that I forgot. I actually didn’t do anything special, because all my friends had an assignment due the next day, so as you can imagine, they were last minute programming and couldn’t come. Damn computer science…. I did dress up, and went out to walk around the streets for a bit with two other friends, but it wasn’t the same. I even got candy because I thought we’re gonna have trick-or-treaters on the front door – guess who ate the candy, me and my housemates! At least I had an excuse to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas YET AGAIN. Well, you can’t have everything all the time, and you can’t have it perfect, right? I’ll show them next year….

Okay, what else, what else…. Oh, yeah, I got Nightwish’s Oceanborn album from the CD sale yesterday and I have one more CD to my music collection. So everything (so far) is well, the weather is terrible as it should be, and since it’s pretty late, I think I’m gonna wrap this post up for now and go to sleep…. or do something else.

Dance of the Dawn

No, I’m not dead, nothing happened on my way back to Aber, although the travel was a bit nasty, but that was all my fault. I missed a couple of trains by standing on the wrong part of the platform and I got home at around 12 midnight, but the important thing is I managed to travel by myself for the first time…. And I sucked at it. Anyway, things are good on the UK side, if we don’t count the fact that we still don’t have internet in the house and it’s getting annoying. I bought a dongle for my laptop because everything the University wants you to know and do is put online and if you don’t have internet, you’re kinda screwed. Also, we are enjoying some really nice weather (I hope this statement doesn’t put a hex on it) these last few days, while back in Bulgaria I hear people are walking around in gloves and coats. Kinda ironic, given the fact that we are in the “land of the rain”. And I really like our house, except the floor that creaks and if you wanna go to the bathroom at night, you risk waking people up.

My birthday’s soon, in just 2 days. I’m gonna be 20…. I still can’t come to terms with that. My mind is of a 5-year-old, I feel like I’m still 17, and this whole grown-up thing – not really for me. But I’m ok, I’m fine. Maybe not emotionally ok, but I’m dealing with it. I accepted the fact that it’s gonna be another lonely year for that little broken heart of mine, but I have friends (YES, believe it or not, I do have friends!) who tickle me every time I show up with a long face, so I’m gonna be ok, right? Right?…………….

The Leaving Song

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m a fucking idiot. A Fucking Idiot. The most recent reason for this is that I changed my flight and now I’m going back to the UK a week earlier. Which is next Saturday. And as I found out later – this was absolutely unnecessary. Why? Well, I was supposed to fly be there on October the 5th, and then I received an email from my Psychology Department in the university that I have to be there on the 27th of September for some registration – that it is COMPULSORY. And I panicked. I knew that I preregistered in May before going home and my registration is to be done online. I knew that I’m probably not gonna be the only person who won’t show up there on the 27th. I knew all I have to do is ask the department if it really is a big deal if I’m not there. I knew all that, but I panicked. I spent the following day not being able to breathe normally, and then finally decided to tell my parents so we can decide what to do. And I did send an email asking about that registration, but before receiving the answer, I managed to find a flight before that date, and changed it. If I had waited for an answer one more day, I would have probably visited the ER. So you can imagine how fast I went through the 5 stages of grief the next day, when they answered me saying it’s ok if I’m not there, and that I can register online without any problems. Most notably, the fastest transition was between Stage 2 – Anger, and Stage 4 – Depression. I managed to cut 10 days out of the 20 I had left at home for just 20 minutes. And for no reason at all. There’s still one week left here, but that’s the one I hate the most – you’re busy visiting doctors, making final arrangements before leaving, counting down the days, packing, and not being able to stop the clock and do everything you wanted to do in summer, but didn’t have time. That’s the problem with time – it doesn’t stop. I know there’s a positive side – I’m gonna see people I haven’t seen in 4 months, eat my favorite vegetarian food, see the new house… I think I already wrote about that in the last post… Anyway, when I get there and spend a few days getting used to that life again, I know I won’t feel so homesick, because I’ll be busy with so many stuff… But I’m still home, I still have that annoying last week, and I HATE long goodbyes. I can’t stand them. But I’ve been through this before and I know I’ll be ok.

No scribbles yet. None, zero, zip. I’m beginning to think Bulgaria is having a bad influence on my “talent”, had the talent ever existed. So I think I won’t be writing here until I get back to Aber, because I’m trying not to think about it very much, and writing here makes me think… about it. Yeah, whatever, bye-bye!

Working Girl Over

Yesterday was my last day at work. Thank goodness. Now I have exactly one month to do nothing before I leave back for university. I feel relieved it’s finally over – the driver whose data I was taking care of made sure to make my final two days there a living hell. They don’t show up for a week and at the last minute everyone comes with a mountain of papers. I had to literally type like the wind to finish quickly and go pack my stuff and return home. I put a lot of effort trying not to lose my temper and start swearing at everyone… but in my mind I killed them over million times, so we’re even. I hope I’ll never see anyone of them, or see another travel paper, or have to listen to my boss saying how crazy I am for not going out, not drinking or not having a boyfriend… or questioning my sexuality because of the other three. I try to stay away from people like that as much as possible – my life is none of their concern.

Being home is definitely refreshing, knowing I don’t have to wake up early on Monday and go to work. And if most of my friends didn’t screw me up by not calling me to ask at least how I am, everything would be great. ‘Cause I did need a friend to talk to for the past few weeks, but I guess they have more important stuff than their friends. We’ll see if someone will remember about me until the month’s over, ‘cause after that – hasta la bye-bye!

P.S. – Happy Birthday to the girl that used to be my friend. I hope you’re okay.

R.I.P.

My great grandmother died a few days ago. The funeral was yesterday. From the moment I got back home from the UK I had a feeling I’d go to her funeral. Even though she was really old, she was going to be 90 tomorrow, it still hurts. We all know it’s best for her, she couldn’t walk for almost a year, had a stroke a few months ago, broke her hand and all she did was lying in a bed. My grandma and her sisters took care for her and was exhausting for everyone. But I couldn’t stand watching her in the coffin, I had to go outside the chapel, and after that I couldn’t go to the grave at the cemetery. Not to mention I haven’t been in a church for 4 years. And I thought she’d outlive me, with all my depressions and emo cutting bullshit. If everyone has the guts to tell me right now that death is beautiful, I’m gonna kick their ass. It’s not beautiful, it’s not poetic, it’s not romantic. It hurts… Some moments I’m okay, others – I can’t stop crying, like now. On top of everything I’m sick. Some summer virus. I don’t know if I believe in those stuff, but one of my cousins said she regularly talks to her deceased relatives, and she saw grandma. She said that she’s in a better place, she can walk, she can move her arm, nothing hurts her…. I really hope so. I don’t really have anything else to say right now, so that’s it.

Thanks for nothing.

Exactly one year ago, I got up, took the bus and went to meet my online best friend, who broke my heart a few months later. Today, a year later, I’m in the same city, and he’s gone.. forever. Strange how things can change for that time. I would lie if I say I don’t miss him, but not the bastard he turned out to be. I miss the person I met on 21 July 2009 and who I spent the 3 greatest days of my summer with. I’m surprised I even remember the date. No, wait, I’m not, I always remember melodramatic sentimental shit like that. I know I shouldn’t because I’m sure he doesn’t, but here I am – I don’t know what I’ve studied in chemistry in 11th grade, but I remember stupid dates like this one. I haven’t written any scribbles since we severed all contact. Thanks for the lack of muse, too.
Speaking of dates, I, being a complete moron, forgot Sean Brennan’s birthday, which was on 17th. So a very late Happy Birthday, Sean, and I wouldn’t mind new music sometime soon.
On a brighter note, I finally got my first salary. Ah, the unique feeling to have money you’ve earned yourself, and finally to be able to get your mom a present for her birthday. Which is tomorrow, if anyone wonders. Okay, I think I’m done for today. If I ever write something new, it will be posted for sure.

………………….

Three words – I FUCKING PASSED!!!!!!! ^^ ^^ ^^

Working Girl

I got a job, by the way. For three weeks now. Didn’t really have time to write here. I enter the travel data of the buses in a travel agency. It’s not hard, just a little boring. And I can’t go without mentioning the nerve some drivers have when talking to me. I might be single, but I’m not desperate. Actually, after my ‘adventures’ in Loveland lately I don’t want to hear about relationships anytime soon. It’s just me and Nightwish now – yeah, I got into Nightwish, too, my new obsession. ^^

My exam results are out this Friday. I’m getting very, very, very nervous. So if I don’t write soon here, it means I’m crying my eyes out because I have to re-take my exams, OR I’m so excited I’ve passed I can’t remember to post it. Let’s hope it will be the last one… really.

…And we are homeward bound…

Didn’t I tell you 8 months ago that I’ll see you soon, didn’t I? Didn’t I tell you the next post will be from Bulgaria? I sure did! I’m finally home…. for almost a week now, but, hey, I have a life, I couldn’t sit and write here right away. It kinda feels like something’s still missing – I haven’t seen almost any of my friends here, most of them are having their exams now so I’ll have to wait a little. Ah, word of advice – remember not to wear gothic clothes in a small town – you’ll begin to feel like an animal in the zoo. At least this reminds you you’re home… and I’m still happy I’m here. And I have the furriest of all kittens in the world! It’s one tiny fur ball that doesn’t stop bouncing, running, playing with your feet, biting your hands and wondering which one of the other cats to poke. ^^
I haven’t written any scribbles in a while – I’m not exactly inspired right now… maybe ‘cause I’m not depressed at all. xD But I don’t put too much worry about that, it always comes on its own. Aaand since I don’t feel like writing at all right now, I’m getting out of here and going to bed. Good night! ^^

Recap

Okay, time for a longer post. I’m one exam and 6 days away from going home for summer. The former is on the 3rd and I’m catching a bus for Manchester Airport on the 4th in the morning. My flight is at 6:30am on the 5th…. unless certain volcanoes decide something else, in which case there are gonna be consequences! This is my last week as a fresher – I never really thought about that till a few days ago. I just hope I’ll pass my exams and won’t have to come back in August to re-take them. Then I can have 4 whole months at home – I’ll probably work somewhere, but I’ll still be home. So I decided to take a recap of the past 8 months. Going to university in another country gave me a lot and took a lot. I had to learn to live without my parents and take care of things they usually take care of. I endured the worst day of my life which, unincidentally, was also my first day in England. I met a lot of new people, got some new and good friends, put and end of two old friendships that I’m probably gonna miss a lot. I got very noisy and messy flatmates I had a few good times with. I found love in the wrongest of wrong places, got blown off, and still don’t care about that – someday someone will come without me searching desperately and he will care. Moving on – on a brighter note, my CD collection increased immensely, as well as all the weird gothic stuff I love so much. ^^ I got an insight into psychology and politics, and hopefully, I’ll get a deeper insight next year. I got a freaking facebook – and all the people who wanted me to get it now barely log in! As for the things I didn’t get – a goth looking vegetarian straight edge boyfriend, a sports centre card, swimming in the sports centre pool, rock climbing, horse riding, getting confidence to talk in seminars, eat marshmallows around a camp fire…. well, let’s hope I’ll do these things in my second year. I finally got my income bursary and paid my deposit for the house for next year – so now I officially have a house, and a room just for myself and this time I’m gonna live with people I like. I already packed most of my stuff, those I’m gonna leave here – some of my friends are staying here so they’re gonna take it in their house for the summer. I can’t believe I’ve brought (and bought) so many stuff…. they all fit in exactly 3 suitcases….. Girls will be girls, unfortunately. OH, I almost forgot! I found that people here actually CARE about vegetarians and got introduced to the wonderful quorn food I’m gonna miss at home…. again, I hope I’ll stay in Bulgaria for the whole summer. The exams weren’t that hard, but I’m still not sure if they’re gonna like what I’ve written or if I hadn’t made a mistake in some of the calculations…. Anyway, I won’t know until June 15th, so I can have 2 weeks for myself.
This post is beginning to get a bit large, and I think it’s time to finish it. The next one will probably come from Bulgaria…. again, if some volcano doesn’t decide something else!

Happy Dirtday!

Aaand before this day goes ruthlessly in history, I’d like to wish a Happy Dirtday to Hunter from AFI! I almost wrote this post on the 5th, because I thought it’s then…. you can’t remember everything after all. So – all the best to Hunter and the band, I love you all, thank you for making me a better person! ^^

Can you paint your pain?

I finally did a bit of volunteering today. I joined the volunteers group in the university before Easter and today 5 of us went to paint an old lady’s apartment. I got the kitchen and the color blue… which is better than my friends who got the bathroom…. and pink. I still have paint over my nails. Fortunately, my clothes got away with the paint, but my jeans got a little bloody. Which brings me to my next story. I started jogging last week with a friend of mine around the neighbourhood, and on Wednesday we were just starting to run and the next thing I know, I was on the ground, face down, with my training suit torn at the knee, my palms and knees peeled and bloody. I don’t know if I tripped or lost my balance. Thank goodness I didn’t break anything. My palms have almost healed, and as for the knees – one of them is in all colors of the rainbow, and the other doesn’t seem to even want to start healing. Its wound’s bigger and I can’t bend my leg properly, or stretch it properly for that matter. So today when I had to crouch to paint to lower part of the wall the wound opened and started to bleed. Buuut it will be alright. It’s gonna leave me a nice scar, but it’s gonna be alright…. like I don’t have enough scars all over my legs. Every school I’ve studied in has left its mark on me legs. 8th I was chasing a tennis ball or something and ran into one of the big stone flower pots in front of my high school. My leg’s still a little concave where it met the pot. One year later, I fell down the stairs, sat on my left leg and sledged like that a few stairs down. My leg’s still a little black and blue. And now I’ll remember my first year in university with a new mark on my knee. I’m seriously considering giving up jogging. At least for a while. Despite that… I’m okay. A little bit more bipolar than usual, but hey, who isn’t? And today made me feel good about myself… which doesn’t happen very often. It really warms your black little heart when you help someone with something they can’t do themselves. Alright, enough talking, gotta wash the paint off my nails.

Happy Dirtday!

I’m back to Aberystwyth – I survived the 3-day journey changing one bus with another. Barely, but I survived. We drove around half of Europe, through Serbia, Croatia, Slovenia, Germany, Belgium, France, took a ferry to England and then I spent the last day trying to get somehow to Aber. I’m sure glad that’s over and I hope no volcanoes are planning to erupt anytime soon so I don’t have to go through that nightmare again. I knew travelling by yourself is a pain in the ass – especially when you have to carry a 20-kg suitcase with you. Now I know I’m no good for The Amazing Race. But, as I said, that’s over with, so let’s not talk about it again…. ever. It’s sunny and warm back in Aber and I hope the following month ends sooner, because no matter how great it is here, I realised I love my country more. Or at least the people there. Certain people. Speaking of certain people, I wanna say a Happy Dirtday to Lauri from The Rasmus! All the best to you and the band, don’t stop making awesome music! Love you!

Words for you to keep

I’m not using the next story as an excuse for the latest shit I wrote, but it did have its influence. So what happened? I had the # worst day of my life. I was supposed to fly to London on Thursday at noon, I got on a bus to Sofia at 2 am the previous night, barely slept at all, took a taxi from the bus station to the airport and I paid a fortune, then I entered the airport just to see that my flight is cancelled due to the volcanic eruptions. I was supposed to land in London and a friend of mine was to wait for me and then take me to Portsmouth for a few days where she’s studying. They offered me to change my flight to Friday evening, so I did. I got on a city bus with a friend of mine plus my fucking suitcase and some guy started nagging about it being on a seat while other people were standing. He, of course, was sitting. Then I went to stay at my cousins’ apartment for the night, just to see the next day that my flight is cancelled again. Since no one knew when the ashes will clear, we started looking for a bus or a train to London. I found a bus for Monday morning and got a ticket. Now I’m gonna travel two days to get to London, alone, carrying the damn suitcase, and from there I have to make my way back to Aber… Thank goodness I don’t have seminars this week so I won’t miss anything. But it was (and still is) horrible. I can’t find myself alone for 5 minutes to cry it all out. At least I got to sleep in my bed two more nights before the next nightmare begins. Which brings me to the scribble. I wrote it on the bus from Sofia to my town because I needed to let it all out somehow. And here it is. Wish me luck I reach Aber safely on Wednesday.

 

"Yesterday I burnt the sky,
looked to the ground and wrapped it around me.
Still today I have so much to burn.
Yesterday I longed to die,
fell to the ground,
and the ground caught me.
Now today I question why I fell..."

I burned another church last night
I stood and watched the light and, oh,
                       the light was so bright
People scream and say: Don't you have a heart?
I don't have a heart - I gave it away...

Enough with the drama, the sorrow,
                 and our tear-filled pool -
don't you worry, I am tired too.
"I hope there isn't another life after this"
I don't want to bleed again for someone
                              I cannot kiss

...And you're not alone, my dear -
                  you chose to be
And over my head there'll soon be a stone:
For all the tears not cried for me,
for every single song about,
for every dream and night without,
for the baptized who's not blessed,
for that heart and the girl in a red dress...

You kept saying I'm nothing,
and I became nothing.
You kept saying I'm no one,
here I am - I am no one
You told me to smile - I needed your smile
I wanted to hear your voice for a little while..
but for me the line is always busy
I guess I'm the one you get rid of so easy......

I'm out of weapons - no more bullets in my gun
You can't shoot something when you're invisible
                                  to the sun

"I'm so tired"...
I want to go somewhere and mix water with blood,
because I don't want to live again if you're not around

I burned another bridge last night
The water looked at me and smiled
               and I fell into the light.....

"So what can help me to understand somehow,
why it always pains me to breathe, pains me to breathe?
We're no longer confined because yesterday I burnt the sky..."

April 31st, Part 2

My muse struck me suddenly. I was reading something about stuff we, the children of the 90s, most notably the children of the 90s in Bulgaria, used to do. And it got me thinking how everything is completely upside down now. Like they said in “Live Freaky! Die Freaky!”: Stop the Earth! I wanna get off!!! I want that too… But if it was easy, it wouldn’t be fun, I guess. So, there you go, the “sequel” to April 31st. :]

We were young, we were stupid
But we were happy, we were lucid
We used to stay up late on the streets
Running in the fields is where we used to meet

We used to summon ghosts
holding hands with closed eyes
No, we weren't lost -
we played hide and seek and threw a dice

We used to ride our bikes around
Our laughter used to be the only sound
We used to shelter homeless dogs and wounded birds
Being good, naive and loving was not absurd

We used to go to the beach at night
We used to count all the stars in the sky
We used to see each other and smile in delight
No one told us that this someday will die

I turned around for just a second
and found myself in a malignant place
'Twas not my world of joy, I reckoned
'Twas a place that doesn't judge your heart,
                              but your face

It's a place where you don't belong
unless you get in their rat race
of who's gonna make another broken song
and sell it to be played in space

It's a place where they make a bet -
how many hearts can you break a day?
How many tears can you stake on the set?
It wasn't you who made the game, you say?

A place that's upside down
Where the evil is in fashion
and gets its award in an evening gown
while the good gets laughed at with
                            the greatest passion

Bad people with bad tastes
With bad choices that go to waste
Ignoring love, burying peace
Killing life piece by piece

Darkness, death, hatred, pain -
along the line something went wrong
Sadness, blood, tears in vain -
this is not where you and I belong

We were young, we were stupid
But we were happy, we were lucid..........

… but home is NOW HERE!

I’m home! I finally made it home! After another 48 hours of travelling, during which I didn’t sleep at all if we don’t count the few seconds every ten seconds. And now I’m home in my own bed! ^^ There are so many things I want to do, and so many places I want to go to… I just can’t wait! I’m not gonna waste my two weeks here, that’s for sure. I’m planting trees in the park tomorrow. ^^ A friend of mine I hadn’t seen live was waiting for me at the airport, and made my day.. and night. xD Aand I’m so excited I don’t know what else to write here, so I guess I’ll be going now. No new scribbles, too happy. ^^

Today this small favor I’m asking

All the essays and reports are done and submitted, and I had time to come up with a new scribble. I started it a couple of weeks ago, but I really wanted to finish something of the stuff I have in mind, so I quickly thought of an ending – and I’m not saying it’s a good ending. Actually, I had the ending and the beginning, I just needed something to fill in the middle. xD The title, without a doubt, is a nod to AFI’s The Interview, which is one of my favorite songs. As for the quote – I read it in class once, and I really liked it. I think it’s another version of what Davey says in The Interview. For some reason, I was occupied with the idea who would miss me if I die… I know, I know, I sound emo – stop reading then! xD So there it is, enjoy.. or don’t.

“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Times is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying...”

Imagine me gone
Imagine me dead
Imagine a stone
Over my head

Imagine a song
the chorus would sing
Imagine a bell -
The bell and its ring

Imagine the tears -
no tears at all
Imagine the smiles
as you're watching me fall

I imagine I speak -
but no one believes
I imagine I repeat -
heart bleeding on my sleeve

I imagined I dream -
a simple song in the dark -
and I saw me scream
with no lights in the park

I've never been that good at lying
Trust me, trust me, I'm a liar
I've never been that good at dying
Watch me, watch me, I'm on fire!

And one day you'll wake up,
but I won't be here
because I dared,
and wished to disappear

And I imagined me gone
I imagined me dead
And they put a stone
Over my head

Cyanide Sun

I came back from the beach half an hour ago. Finally saw the sunset successfully. Apart from the fact that I almost froze to death, it was magnificent. Just me, the sea, the sun going down, and my thoughts. And the music portraying my thoughts. I really needed to sit somewhere and just think while staring at something beautiful. “While do beautiful things make you sad? –Because deep down you know you might never see them again.” It’s true – I stood there on the pebbles for about an hour watching the sunset as it was the first sunset to be ever seen. I waited this moment for 6 months, since I came here. It’s a very bittersweet feeling…
As for scribbles, I have a ton of stuff I came up with, but my inspiration dies after a verse or two, so I don’t know when I’ll finish some of them. The only thing I can say is that they’re depressing as always – I don’t even have the energy to write something angry, let alone something at least half joyful. Besides, essays time has started and I have to focus more on them and then I’ll have a week free before I leave to think of some scribbles.
19 days left till I go home – I don’t even count them now, and they flew by so fast. Most of my friends are staying in Aber for the Easter break, but I have to go home – I have a reason to go home. We’ll see if that reason thinks the same.
Well, that’s it – I’ve never been much of a talker, except in some very rare situations, so that’s all I have to say for now. Go catch the sunset.

Abbey Road

I went to Liverpool yesterday. The trip I mentioned a while ago finally happened. It was indeed a great day, although it didn’t start that great. We left Aber at 9 in the morning, and just after we got out of town, the bus broke. So we had to wait half an hour for another bus to come and as a result, left an hour later, at 10. We arrived in Liverpool at 1pm, and because we had lost one hour, they gave us half an hour more before we leave in the evening so we can have enough time to see the museum. And the museum… well, it was magnificent. One part of it was a marine museum, with boat and submarine models – I even saw Titanic. The African slavery museum was on the third floor – now that’s what I call a museum. It had everything – from authentic clothes and weapons to the fucking KKK robe. There were screens everywhere and you could put headphones and listen to stories of former slaves, look at models of sugar plantations while they explain how they lived there. There was something like a room in the middle, dark and small, with two big screens, where they showed you what was it is like to transport you on a slave ship – the darkness and the small space were very contributing for the psychological effects. Also, there was a “wall of fame” with famous black people – Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Obama, etc. I spent most of the time in the museum, took a lot of photos and videos and around 4 I went out to have a look around the area, but stayed close ‘cause I was not in the mood to get lost. xD Byy the way, I am an idiot. It took me about an hour after I got in Liverpool to fucking remember the Beatles are from there! Seriously, how stupid can you be to forget that? Anyway, I got myself a Beatles magnet so that I don’t forget again. Plus, I saw their official store, and there was also an exhibition called “The story of Beatles”, but I didn’t have time to go and see it. At least the weather was okay and I managed to walk around, but not too far, as said before, took some more pictures and at 5pm we left for Aber. I enjoyed my alone day – I didn’t know anyone from the other people who came, no one sat next to me on the bus – but I didn’t care much. At least I didn’t follow anyone and managed to go and see whatever I liked in the museum. But the next time I wouldn’t mind having some of my friends with me, so that I can get lost properly and not care about it. All in all, that was a good day.

Baudelaire in Braille......

Today is the 1-year anniversary from The Rasmus concert in Sofia. 12 February 2009 – it was the happiest day of my life. Funny how things change so fast… I’d give anything to re-live that day again, especially today. I’m not gonna say anything about the previous post, it pretty much says everything itself. What I can say is that I lost the little trust I had in people…. and more importantly in my friends. I might sign for Guiness as the fastest person at losing friends, maybe that record still isn’t set. That blog became too personal these last few months. I don’t know if anyone reads it, and frankly, I don’t give a shit if someone reads it, I just need something of a diary and I guess this is it.
I wrote a scribble last year called Saddest Word Ever with the thought I knew what the saddest word for me is. Now I think there are too many. Whoever you are, if you read this, think for yourself what that word is. Is it suicide? Is it loneliness? Is it love, is it hatred? Is it life, is it death, is it weakness, is it pain, is it you, or is it me? Cause I don’t know anymore…

P.S. – Before I begin to sound too much like an emo, I wanna say HIM’s new album is more than perfect – and exactly the thing I need right now. :]

Apology

Surpriiiiiiise, Joe’s in love for real, surpriiiise, Joe got her heart broken, surpriiiiiise, Joe wrote a fucking love scribble, let us all laugh at Joe!

This is for my mother, who never saw my scars
This is for the father I couldn't understand
This is for the winter sky, lost all of it stars
This is for the beggars lost around the wasteland

This is for the friends - a thousand times hurt
This is for myself wandering the desert
For every single time I didn't make an effort
and for every tear fallen in the dirt

This is for the song I never learned to play
This is for the things I didn't want to know
For every time I cursed the perfect sunny day
And for every little flower frozen in the snow

This is for the little bird I couldn't save
This is for the rain, hiding all my tears
For everyone left alone to a silenced grave
And for the no one who tamed my fears

This is for the broken wings who never learned to fly
This is for the girl who's always blue
This is for the poor old heart that begins to dry
This is for the one I never said "I love you" to

P.S. – Happy birthday to Adam from AFI. It was yesterday, but I forgot, thinking it was in March. I picked the wrong day for the ‘love’ crap. Sorry, Adam.

Imperfect

I guess it’s true what they say that poets can only write in a state of melancholy. Not that I can call myself a poet, but… three scribbles in less than two weeks – I must be really fucked up haha. Anyway, there’s the scribble, I wrote a long enough post yesterday, so I won’t bother to say anything else. Oh, yeah – AFI’s new video totally rocks! They killed them all!!! Hahaha, I knew they won’t disappoint me. That was the only thing to cheer me up today. :]

"-Does it hurt?
-So much you can't even feel the pain
-Does it end?
-You can cry a lifetime - it would be in vain
-Do you bleed?
-Blood is the currency here
-Do you sleep?
-Only with nightmares, I fear
-Do you cry?
-I already answered that, my dear
-Do you smile?
-Every once in a while
-Are you mad?
-Maybe we're all just sad
-Are you lost?
-No, my child, I'm a ghost
-Are you scared?
-More and more every single day
-Can I help?
-Yes.... please leave me and go away......"

Soul in Return

Oookay, this is weird. I wrote another scribble today for less than 10 minutes, which doesn’t happen very often. And as easy as I wrote it, I’ve been struggling with coming up with a name for it the whole afternoon. So I guess I’ll have to think of something before I’m done with this post or I’ll be stuck here for a while. I was kinda under the weather these days (and I still am) and I really wonder how I’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight… even for an hour. I’ve never liked parties, or at least the idea most people have of a “party”. Somehow the whole drinking and many people at one place thing is not for me. I think I’ve already said that before… oh, well, nevermind. But I’m not very positive I’ll ever be able to go to something resembling a party that I’ll enjoy. It’s kinda hard to be completely different from the people around you. I hope if I’m patient enough, I’ll meet weirdos just like me. I still love my friends now, don’t get me wrong, but very few of them can really “read” me.

Byyy the way, I have a plant! My very own plant in my room! Since we’re not allowed to have pets, I figured I’d get a plant instead and treat it as a pet. I even named it – Chris. ^^ Kinda strange name for a hyacinth really. I’m planning on experimenting with it…. in terms of music, people. I read an article when I was doing my report about lyrics that plants react to different types of music, so we’ll see if my planty is a deathrock-goth-punk-rock-alternative freak like me. xD

I started my Introduction to the Third World in International Politics module today. And I already love it! I know we have tons of shit to write and read and study, but we have to choose a country and write a report on it, focus only on it, and I already made my mind about it – I’ll take the Dominican Republic, ‘cause I have two buddies there who I love veeery much even if we sometimes piss each other off on purpose. Oh, and you know the best part? You know the BEST part?! We can go to a trip to Liverpool in an African museum and it’s only 5 pounds! I have to go, I wanna go, I wiiiiill goooooooo! ^^ Damn it, Leo, now I sound just like you! >.<

Aaaand after 40 minutes that I spent NOT writing this post, I’m here again and I still don’t have a name for the damn scribble…. Plus, I think I’m getting sick. I hate these lemon-flavored powders that you have to drink when you’re with a cold. They make me feel even sicker. *Okay, think about a name, think about a naaaame, come oooooooooon!!!* >.< 1,2,3…. EUREKA, I’VE GOT IT!!! And I also officially got sick. Well that’s what happens when you go to bed at 2am, wake up at 7:30, it’s raining the whole day, plus there’s the damn wind, and you have to go up and down the hill a thousand times. I probably should sleep more – I’m killing my own brain cells by not sleeping! And I probably should stop writing, ‘cause this post got waaay too long, and write the title down before I forget it again. See ya, Joe is going to treat herself with self-medication!

 

I'm the spider and the fly
I'm the mouse and the trap
I'm the laughter and the cry
I'm the caress and the slap

I'm the bird and the worm
I'm the sickness and the cure
I'm the knife and the womb
I'm the flawless and the impure

I'm the black and the white
I am heaven, I am hell
I'm the darkness, I'm the light
I'm the beginning, I am "farewell"

I'm the saint, I'm the sinner
I'm the mother, I'm the killer
I'm the loser, I'm the winner
I'm the destroyer, I'm the keeper

I'm the window, I'm the rock
I'm the virgin, I'm the whore
I'm the time, I'm the clock
I am after, I'm before

I'm the life, I'm the death
I'm the flower, I'm the frost
I'm the dust, I'm the breath
I am here, I am lost

I'm the virtue, I'm the vice
I'm the earth, I'm the sky
I'm the sea, I'm the stars
I shall live and I shall die

…and I’m so sorry, but we can’t forgive you

The bitch is back, people! And there’s a bonus – I have a new scribble! Bet you didn’t see that coming. xD Anyway, the new scribble is… what can I say, totally in my style, gloomy and depressing. xD I wrote the first part in the plane while I was flying back to the UK. And today I decided to finally finish my latest crap and launch it in the cyber space!

As for me, my first exam was last week, I think I did well, we’ll see what the people assessing it think. The next one is tomorrow, the InterPol one, and the last one is on Friday in Psychology. I hope they’re not gonna be too hard. Speaking of InterPol, I had to change one of my modules for the second semester, because I had a clash with one of the Psychology modules. So long War, Strategy and Intelligence, helloooo Politics in Europe. I really wanted to study War, Strategy and Intelligence, but I guess it won’t be this semester.
Okay, enough newsflash, time for the scribble. Enjoy, and if you don’t – I’m not responsible for anyone who pukes after reading it. xD

You told us it was all for our good
You promised there'll be no fire
You said the ground wouldn't shake - but it would
Well I gladly thank you now, pathetic liars

The last drop of blood in our hearts you can take
and I hope it will finish you all
In the river of cinders you can all drown for our sake
and pay for our death toll

It wasn't fair, it never is
It isn't now, it never will be
Welcome to the nightmare, the monster's kiss
Now you all bow before our dead bodies

We give you this petty, simple, little advice
before we depart in our silent rave:
shut up and listen, we suggest you thought twice -
it's far too late to apologize to a silenced grave

Truth be known - someone hurt you, it wasn't your fault
Pain be told - you decided to hurt us more, too
Lies be said - your way to avenge the assault...
...and I'm so sorry but we can't forgive you

Back in Helltown >.<

Aaand Joe is back down to Helltown, aka Aberystwyth, with a hot morning cocoa without sugar ‘cause we haven’t gone shopping yet. This will happen later in the afternoon. The journey back was as long and as tiring as the one back to Bulgaria… but at least then I was going home and I didn’t care how long it would take as long as I get home. This time I came back to a cold room, 3 exams waiting for me, looking for a job and for accommodation for next year. The last week home was pretty nasty, especially when you try to hold your tears for a few hours and then they just burst out from your eyes without warning. I guess it will become easier in the future. At least this time I’ll stay here only two months before the Easter break. Plus, my friend who studies in Portsmouth said there’s a possibility to come visit me in the end of the month for a few days. Boy, if she comes, I’ll even go to a pub for her! It felt so good seeing my friends back home, and seeing them here too will give me strength to last another 2 months. As for the scribbles, I have many, many, many ideas and phrases written down, but just that. I may come up with one finished soon, but that’s not a promise. I think that’s it for now, I have to go get my scholarship cheque today, go shopping, eat – that’s kinda important, the eating part. My first exam is this Friday, the 22nd, so wish me good luck!

Happy Name Day to me! ^^

Aaaand a happy name day to meeeee! Also  happy name day to all the Johns, Johnnys, Ivans, Joans and so on and so forth. I know we celebrate name days only in Bulgaria, but it’s a nice occasion to get presents. My mom got me Terry Pratchett’s Johnny and the bomb – my Terry Pratchett collection is growing! I’m at my cousin’s house for a visit and we’re gonna watch a movie, and tomorrow I’m visiting one of my friends at her dormitory, so see yaaaa!!! ^^

2 minutes to midnight or just 24 months to another new year?

Happy New Year, ya motherfuckers! Hope you all had a great time last night/year. Geez, the new millenium finally has another digit to keep company to the last one aaaaand that sounded weird. But for someone who went to bed at 7am and woke up at 11am, I think that’s justifiable. And that’s why the first post for 2010 will be short – hallelujah!

Before I forget, here’s the song list as I promised, but this time it’s extended to 5 songs because that’s how many songs I remembered while trying not to fall asleep again this morning:

1.Green Day – Viva la Gloria (Little Girl)
2.The Cure – Prayers For Rain
3.London After Midnight – The Bondage Song (Unchained Mix)
4.Green Day – Last of American Girls
5.AFI – Now the World

We’ll see which band will obsess me in 2010.