Okay, I feel better now

And for the last time in November, I’d like to wish a Happy Birthday to Jade Puget from AFI! I wish you everything wonderful, and if you update your blog more often, that would be great, ‘cause it’s been 3 months since you last wrote anything. We need you to make us laugh, Jade! And to finally release that bloody Blaqk Audio album!

As for me, I finished my second assignment a few hours ago and can finally breathe. But I don’t really feel any better. I’ve had a really shitty week, feeling down all the time. And all my friends are constantly asking me what’s wrong. I just don’t know how to tell them it’s nothing they can help me with – when I try to explain it always sounds wrong. It’s nothing personal, but sometimes I need to be alone for a while so I can deal with it myself. I’m sorry but I can’t share it with anyone. And the only person I could isn’t around anymore. So I’m left to recover by myself. But I will be ok, eventually. They need to understand that when I’m ready I’ll come around and smile again. But just not now.
I started reading PostSecrets a few days ago. I think it’s a brilliant idea – you can tell the whole world your deepest secrets and no one will know it’s you. The best hiding place is the most visible one, they say. I even created an album on Facebook with my favorite postsecrets – and put mine among them as well. Maybe I’ll send it as a postcard to PostSecret someday.

Only 20 days left till I go home – I can’t wait. Once that damn plane lands and I get my luggage and see my mom, everything will be ok.

Today’s Lesson

Okay, I know I’m late, but I forgot. And I’m really sorry. So without any further delays I wanna wish a little late Happy Birthday to Ville Valo from HIM! Wish you all the best, to you and the band, you deserve it! ^^

As for me, I woke up in a very fucked up mood yesterday, and it continues today as well. And since I hadn’t watched any horrors in a while, I decided to catch up with two, one right after the other…. And my brain was seriously tampered with – literally. I watched The Loved Ones and then Martyrs. The first one I could have dealt with and forgotten 5 minutes after watching, but Martyrs… If you ever need to vomit your brains out, I recommend that one. It’s not that much bloody (although there’s enough blood in it) as it is mentally disturbing and will give you goose bumps long after it’s over. It will also give you a lot to think about… while vomiting.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I still haven’t written any scribbles, but I promise I’ll try after I’m done with my assignments. Two of them left, then it’s packing for me! But until then, I’ll continue being angry and fucked up. Cheers!

Happy Dirtday, Davey!

No, I did not forget. I’m perfectly aware of who has a birthday today. I was just busy the whole day, going to the pool in the morning and acting like a bitch, and reading for my essay in the afternoon. So without further delays, I wanna wish once again a Happy Birthday to Davey Havok! I wish you all the best, and more than that. I know no one will ever read this, but just in case, I’m ready to kick anyone in the nuts if they say something bad about you (as I did today, but for other reasons, for which I’m really sorry). I love you, I love AFI, I love your lyrics, and I try to use them as a guide for my life, sometimes more successfully, sometimes not so much. I hope you’ll have a great day, and maybe you and Jade could hurry up with Blaqk Audio a bit? And remember, “Your fight makes it all worthwhile”!

As for me, I have to submit my essay on Monday, and all I can think of right now is the American Civil War. I’m taking a break currently to catch up with some friends and clear my brain from battles, and Confederates, and Federals for a bit. After that I have two Psychology reports to write, aaand after that I’m going hoooome. This is a really good news, because there was a possibility that I won’t be able to get a ticket. We though the prices would go down, because there were some really cheap tickets for the beginning of December. But when I found out they would only go up, I booked the first flight I saw, and I now I can rest in peace. Well, not exactly in peace, I need to write my assignments first, but I feel good knowing I will go home after that.

By the way, remember that pretentious lecturer I was complaining about? Yeah, she’s not that bad, actually. We had a seminar with her last week, and I really liked her. Everything I said about her, I take back, she’s cool. I even decided what I want to specialize in psychology because of her. Ready? Drums……………… MUSIC PSYCHOLOGY! You weren’t that surprised, were you? It seems perfect for someone who loves music, I can have it in my career as well. I’m already a professional in interpreting lyrics… thank to the birthday guy..

So basically, that’s it for now. I’ll write again in two days for the other birthday guy. ^^ It’s killing time again….

What comes around, goes around

Okay, I have some good news. That pretentious lecturer of mine accepted the transcription of the interview, so everything’s ok. Then I have some neutral news that tend to go on the good side – as a future psychologist, I think I’m going in the right direction. Most of my friends tend to let it all out by talking to me about their problems and at least I know I’m listening. And answering to questions with questions. xD It kinda feels good that they trust me and choose me to confide in. And speaking of friends, here comes the sort of bad news part. Remember how in high school you promised you’re never gonna forget each other, you’ll be friends no matter what? Weeeeell, that’s not exactly the case. Last year, my first year in university, wasn’t very different – I managed to keep in touch with my old friends, even from a distance. But coming back to university this September, things began to change. Everyone seems to be too busy to just say one “Hi”, even online. They’re sooo into their new lives with their new friends that they don’t really care about the old ones, the ones that really know them and love them, care about them, and miss them every fucking day. Actually, they don’t all drift apart. The ones you never expected to are the ones that stick around. The ones you may have had so many conflicts with prove to be the ones that always ask you “Are you ok?” just to be sure. But your best friends – they hurt you the most. I know it happens with every generation, but I can’t seem to understand how exactly. You begin to get so far apart, that at one moment you see no point in trying to stay in touch. I don’t really see why you wouldn’t try to talk to your friends, even for 10 min a day, considering that a year ago they were the people you spent almost all of your time with. I tried to stay in touch – but they’re always too busy. For fuck’s sake, who isn’t busy? I have a life of my own, I have my own work to do, but I manage to get enough time for my friends when they need me. So I decided, if they don’t have time for me, don’t want me to be a part of their life anymore, I’ll leave them alone. I’m not saying I’m gonna forget them, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to stay in touch with people who don’t do the same. If at some point they want to look for me, I’ll always be here, ‘cause I’m still ready to die for them. The sad part is that I feel they wouldn’t do the same. After all, everyone has priorities. Mine happen to be my friends, above all. I get sick just of the thought that on every school reunion, or class reunion, we’re gonna look at each other, not knowing who the other is anymore, and say, “Oh, remember how we were best friends in high school?” Maybe I’m taking things too seriously, but I can’t help feeling sad, or even disappointed. And I can’t understand why we’ve spent so much time building a friendship and trying to keep it when we can discard it so easily. It’s like somewhere along the line something went terribly wrong, but you have no idea what it is and how to fix it.
But, life goes on, right? And one thing I’ve certainly learned this year is to let go of people who can without any problems let go of me. If by any chance they care, then they have a funny way of showing it.
You are thankful for those who still want you in their life and hope that somewhere there are others that will make your life even better. You just need to find your way to them. And for those who choose to live their life without you – they don’t know what they’re missing.

It’s not okay.

I opened the blog from the beginning a few minutes ago, just to see what I was like then, in case I have forgotten, and to see if I’ve made any progress with… actually with everything. Turns out this blog had a birthday recently – 2 years. Wow… I thought it was more. I did have another blog a few years back, but I didn’t really know what to write about in it, so I just wrote one post and left it, and eventually I deleted it. But this one turned out to be my personal diary that anyone can read. That’s the thing with the internet – it can divide people and bring them together. I read this quote today by Esther Dyson, “The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.”  So I can pour everything I need to let out in this blog, I can be myself, but at the same time, any weirdo with an access to a computer can see it and read it. It’s… kinda fascinating in a way.
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m not in my greatest mood. I had a really bad day. Everything began to go wrong since this morning. First, I was woken up by a text message, then I received an email by one of my lecturers that just made me wanna strangle somebody. You see, we had an assignment to transcribe a celebrity interview. By itself, this was pretty stressful and time consuming, because you have to pause the clip every few seconds to write down everything they say, and then constantly rewinding the parts where you can’t hear what they’re saying. We had to work in pairs, and my partner and I managed to get it done yesterday, and I sent it to the lecturer in charge. The email I mentioned was just too much. She began nagging about the transcription not being in the right font, and that we hadn’t put the proper headings at the beginning, and stuff like that. I know we have to do our assignments, but why do you have to nag about so small things? My whole day went straight down the drain, because I couldn’t stop worrying about it. We edited it, the way she wants it, and if she doesn’t like it again, and makes it a problem for us, and if this affects our reports…. I seriously don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t even know if I have the right to complain to the Head of department if something goes wrong. I just hope she likes it now that we have edited it and leave us in peace. You can’t just arrive at the department and start acting this way. None of our lecturers are so strict, no one is perfect, you can’t expect them to be, especially when they’re university students. We are bound to make mistakes and learn from them.
I think I was a little more philosophical that I should have. But it was a long day, it was an awful day, and I needed to say this somewhere. I have this saying that I heard some time ago, that sorta keeps me in shape, gives me hope in times like this: “Everything’s gonna be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. Well it’s certainly not okay now, I just wish the end would come soon.

Daylight savings time rocks!

I actually had to open my blog, because I completely forgot what I blabbed about the last time. And after seeing it, I can comment on some stuff from the previous post that hadn’t happened when I wrote it. My birthday came and went straight to history, I’m 20, don’t feel very different, except that people would be expecting some responsibilities from me from now on – well, good luck to them! And we finally have internet at home, which is pretty lovely, and an internet speed, which is not so lovely. But it’s something.

I gave blood again the other day, fulfilling my duty to society once again. The nurses there said that Aber looks like Hogwarts, because apparently when you drive to get to the town, you only see mountains and hills like when you’re on the Hogwarts train, and it just pops up from nowhere. It’s still a nice compliment, even though I’m not particularly a fan of Harry Potter. Also, I’ve started looking for a job again, gave my CV to a shoe store and I always keep an eye on Career Service page of the University site for new positions available. Academically speaking (that sounded weird), we’re filled with reports and essays and article reviews, and honestly, I have no idea how I’m gonna do most of them, and by the time I’m done, I’m gonna be a total wreck. Oh, how I look forward to Christmas….

I didn’t remember to write a post here about Halloween, did I? No, it wasn’t because I had such a wonderful and spooky time that I forgot. I actually didn’t do anything special, because all my friends had an assignment due the next day, so as you can imagine, they were last minute programming and couldn’t come. Damn computer science…. I did dress up, and went out to walk around the streets for a bit with two other friends, but it wasn’t the same. I even got candy because I thought we’re gonna have trick-or-treaters on the front door – guess who ate the candy, me and my housemates! At least I had an excuse to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas YET AGAIN. Well, you can’t have everything all the time, and you can’t have it perfect, right? I’ll show them next year….

Okay, what else, what else…. Oh, yeah, I got Nightwish’s Oceanborn album from the CD sale yesterday and I have one more CD to my music collection. So everything (so far) is well, the weather is terrible as it should be, and since it’s pretty late, I think I’m gonna wrap this post up for now and go to sleep…. or do something else.