The Leaving Song

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m a fucking idiot. A Fucking Idiot. The most recent reason for this is that I changed my flight and now I’m going back to the UK a week earlier. Which is next Saturday. And as I found out later – this was absolutely unnecessary. Why? Well, I was supposed to fly be there on October the 5th, and then I received an email from my Psychology Department in the university that I have to be there on the 27th of September for some registration – that it is COMPULSORY. And I panicked. I knew that I preregistered in May before going home and my registration is to be done online. I knew that I’m probably not gonna be the only person who won’t show up there on the 27th. I knew all I have to do is ask the department if it really is a big deal if I’m not there. I knew all that, but I panicked. I spent the following day not being able to breathe normally, and then finally decided to tell my parents so we can decide what to do. And I did send an email asking about that registration, but before receiving the answer, I managed to find a flight before that date, and changed it. If I had waited for an answer one more day, I would have probably visited the ER. So you can imagine how fast I went through the 5 stages of grief the next day, when they answered me saying it’s ok if I’m not there, and that I can register online without any problems. Most notably, the fastest transition was between Stage 2 – Anger, and Stage 4 – Depression. I managed to cut 10 days out of the 20 I had left at home for just 20 minutes. And for no reason at all. There’s still one week left here, but that’s the one I hate the most – you’re busy visiting doctors, making final arrangements before leaving, counting down the days, packing, and not being able to stop the clock and do everything you wanted to do in summer, but didn’t have time. That’s the problem with time – it doesn’t stop. I know there’s a positive side – I’m gonna see people I haven’t seen in 4 months, eat my favorite vegetarian food, see the new house… I think I already wrote about that in the last post… Anyway, when I get there and spend a few days getting used to that life again, I know I won’t feel so homesick, because I’ll be busy with so many stuff… But I’m still home, I still have that annoying last week, and I HATE long goodbyes. I can’t stand them. But I’ve been through this before and I know I’ll be ok.

No scribbles yet. None, zero, zip. I’m beginning to think Bulgaria is having a bad influence on my “talent”, had the talent ever existed. So I think I won’t be writing here until I get back to Aber, because I’m trying not to think about it very much, and writing here makes me think… about it. Yeah, whatever, bye-bye!

Working Girl Over

Yesterday was my last day at work. Thank goodness. Now I have exactly one month to do nothing before I leave back for university. I feel relieved it’s finally over – the driver whose data I was taking care of made sure to make my final two days there a living hell. They don’t show up for a week and at the last minute everyone comes with a mountain of papers. I had to literally type like the wind to finish quickly and go pack my stuff and return home. I put a lot of effort trying not to lose my temper and start swearing at everyone… but in my mind I killed them over million times, so we’re even. I hope I’ll never see anyone of them, or see another travel paper, or have to listen to my boss saying how crazy I am for not going out, not drinking or not having a boyfriend… or questioning my sexuality because of the other three. I try to stay away from people like that as much as possible – my life is none of their concern.

Being home is definitely refreshing, knowing I don’t have to wake up early on Monday and go to work. And if most of my friends didn’t screw me up by not calling me to ask at least how I am, everything would be great. ‘Cause I did need a friend to talk to for the past few weeks, but I guess they have more important stuff than their friends. We’ll see if someone will remember about me until the month’s over, ‘cause after that – hasta la bye-bye!

P.S. – Happy Birthday to the girl that used to be my friend. I hope you’re okay.

R.I.P.

My great grandmother died a few days ago. The funeral was yesterday. From the moment I got back home from the UK I had a feeling I’d go to her funeral. Even though she was really old, she was going to be 90 tomorrow, it still hurts. We all know it’s best for her, she couldn’t walk for almost a year, had a stroke a few months ago, broke her hand and all she did was lying in a bed. My grandma and her sisters took care for her and was exhausting for everyone. But I couldn’t stand watching her in the coffin, I had to go outside the chapel, and after that I couldn’t go to the grave at the cemetery. Not to mention I haven’t been in a church for 4 years. And I thought she’d outlive me, with all my depressions and emo cutting bullshit. If everyone has the guts to tell me right now that death is beautiful, I’m gonna kick their ass. It’s not beautiful, it’s not poetic, it’s not romantic. It hurts… Some moments I’m okay, others – I can’t stop crying, like now. On top of everything I’m sick. Some summer virus. I don’t know if I believe in those stuff, but one of my cousins said she regularly talks to her deceased relatives, and she saw grandma. She said that she’s in a better place, she can walk, she can move her arm, nothing hurts her…. I really hope so. I don’t really have anything else to say right now, so that’s it.

Thanks for nothing.

Exactly one year ago, I got up, took the bus and went to meet my online best friend, who broke my heart a few months later. Today, a year later, I’m in the same city, and he’s gone.. forever. Strange how things can change for that time. I would lie if I say I don’t miss him, but not the bastard he turned out to be. I miss the person I met on 21 July 2009 and who I spent the 3 greatest days of my summer with. I’m surprised I even remember the date. No, wait, I’m not, I always remember melodramatic sentimental shit like that. I know I shouldn’t because I’m sure he doesn’t, but here I am – I don’t know what I’ve studied in chemistry in 11th grade, but I remember stupid dates like this one. I haven’t written any scribbles since we severed all contact. Thanks for the lack of muse, too.
Speaking of dates, I, being a complete moron, forgot Sean Brennan’s birthday, which was on 17th. So a very late Happy Birthday, Sean, and I wouldn’t mind new music sometime soon.
On a brighter note, I finally got my first salary. Ah, the unique feeling to have money you’ve earned yourself, and finally to be able to get your mom a present for her birthday. Which is tomorrow, if anyone wonders. Okay, I think I’m done for today. If I ever write something new, it will be posted for sure.

………………….

Three words – I FUCKING PASSED!!!!!!! ^^ ^^ ^^

Working Girl

I got a job, by the way. For three weeks now. Didn’t really have time to write here. I enter the travel data of the buses in a travel agency. It’s not hard, just a little boring. And I can’t go without mentioning the nerve some drivers have when talking to me. I might be single, but I’m not desperate. Actually, after my ‘adventures’ in Loveland lately I don’t want to hear about relationships anytime soon. It’s just me and Nightwish now – yeah, I got into Nightwish, too, my new obsession. ^^

My exam results are out this Friday. I’m getting very, very, very nervous. So if I don’t write soon here, it means I’m crying my eyes out because I have to re-take my exams, OR I’m so excited I’ve passed I can’t remember to post it. Let’s hope it will be the last one… really.

…And we are homeward bound…

Didn’t I tell you 8 months ago that I’ll see you soon, didn’t I? Didn’t I tell you the next post will be from Bulgaria? I sure did! I’m finally home…. for almost a week now, but, hey, I have a life, I couldn’t sit and write here right away. It kinda feels like something’s still missing – I haven’t seen almost any of my friends here, most of them are having their exams now so I’ll have to wait a little. Ah, word of advice – remember not to wear gothic clothes in a small town – you’ll begin to feel like an animal in the zoo. At least this reminds you you’re home… and I’m still happy I’m here. And I have the furriest of all kittens in the world! It’s one tiny fur ball that doesn’t stop bouncing, running, playing with your feet, biting your hands and wondering which one of the other cats to poke. ^^
I haven’t written any scribbles in a while – I’m not exactly inspired right now… maybe ‘cause I’m not depressed at all. xD But I don’t put too much worry about that, it always comes on its own. Aaand since I don’t feel like writing at all right now, I’m getting out of here and going to bed. Good night! ^^