Saddest Word, Part 2

And here I am again. It’s really been a while, and my only excuse is I’ve been really busy to write anything. When I wasn’t, I just didn’t know what to say, or how. But I wrote something, and given the fact I only write when I’m angry or sad, you could guess it’s not a cheer-upper. This time is a mixture of both, with sadness prevailing. I am happy in general, but I’ve been thinking about different things, remembering long lost memories, and I just decided to write this time. I guess I’m also sad about the passing of Robin Williams. I’ll be honest, he wasn’t my absolute favorite actor, but still I enjoyed his films, and the other night when I read the news, I just broke down and cried for about 10 minutes. Everyone’s calling it a tragedy, and it is – the fact that we’ve created a society in which we all wear masks of perfection and happiness, because no one wants to see the rotting underneath. We’re all Dorian Gray, we all have our pictures…. Rest in peace, Genie, you’re free.

Cheers to our broken hearts
Cheers to our sons at war
Cheers to man-made gods departed
Cheers to naked corpses cold

Here's to families no longer whole
Here's to childhoods in cold and grey
To mum and dad and their lost souls
Here's to driving children far away

For the ungrateful I will make a toast
For their emptiness and selfish days
For they, too, hide skeletons and ghosts
For who would love them, led so astray?

To the believers, driven me to disbelief
I raise a glass - may you find your path
For the weak I would devour all your grief
And feed it to the demons of wrath

Ashes always buried in the ground
Farewell my youth I've never felt
In darkness I may be forever bound

But don't take the hands I've hardly held

Weird films for weird people!

Greetings, people of Earth! Since I haven’t written anything lately, but wanted to post something in the blog to make it look alive, I thought I’d treat you with something I could talk all day about – films. Like most of you, I'm also an avid admirer of cinema (sometimes a bit too much). But every now and again, I come across some quirky, beautiful, gone-under-the-radar film that I fall madly in love with, while the rest of the world either ignores it, or doesn't give it enough credit. So I decided to present to you my collection of such films, hoping that there are some amongst you who love them as much as I do, or that you will find a hidden gem among them that you haven't heard of before. They're all unique in their own way, and maybe don't make much sense some of the time, but for me, they all work in this weird internal world of theirs that I just... get without needing complex explanations. And if crying is any indication for how good a film is, weell, I cry on each of them, every time. So, ready, camera, action!

                                                                

1. Mr. Nobody (2009)

Ever wondered what would have happened if you had chosen a different path in life, picked this city to live in instead of that one? Well this film shows you what happens. I'm not spoiling anything, so let's just say it doesn't follow a very linear path, because time is a completely different concept in it. The meaning I took from it, most of all, is that we shouldn't regret the choices we make. Whatever life we choose to live, it is the right one, every path we walk is the right path, and every choice shapes us into a different person. Plus, you know, Jared Leto...

2. The Fountain (2006)

A story set in three different time periods, but in its core, it is one and the same. What it taught me (and what I try to implicate in my life every day) is:
1) to not waste precious time for things I can't change, but use it to enjoy the things I have here and now;
2) love lives forever - cliché or not, this film has one of the most beautiful love stories I've seen on film. It's directed by Darren Aronofsky (the guy who brought you Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan, and most recently, Noah), so you know it's gonna be reaching inside you and gripping your soul - or at least that's how I feel watching it. And the music - oh my god, the music! Clint Mansell is a GOD! The music is one of the reasons I adore this film, I get goosebumps every time I listen to it. If you can't be bothered with the film, just have a listen of the track Death is the Road to Awe from the score ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihF_aXi-Huk ) - there's one moment there that chills to the bone - pure eargasm. This film is also one of my top 3 films that I can watch every day and not get bored of it - I don't need a specific frame of mind, I can just sit and… watch. The only word I can describe it with is 'beautiful'.

3. Everything is Illuminated (2005)

Okay, this one follows a story and is structured like a regular film (mostly). It's based on a novel written by Jonathan Safran Foer, the same person who wrote Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. So Fro... I mean, Elijah Wood goes to Ukraine to find his family roots and is greeted by a quirky interpreter and tour guide who loves everything American. Enter every possible shenanigans that can follow from that. My word for this film is definitely 'bittersweet' - it makes you laugh, and in the next moment breaks your heart, then makes you laugh through tears again. It manages to take you away from civilization and land you running through wheat fields with nothing but the wind in your face. And, not to spoil anything, but there is a bloody ring involved AGAIN!
This is my absolute favourite of my top 3 post-LOTR-films-with-a-LOTR-actor in it. (It just is, okay? It's my list!) I think it's very underrated and I would urge you to give it a go, because it is really... well, beautiful (I have a feeling I'll be using this word a lot here).

4. Mary and Max (2009)

An 8-year-old girl from Melbourne becomes pen pals with a 44-year-old obese guy from New York. I know, it screams 'WRONG!' all over, but surprisingly, it becomes one of the best friendships out there. It's not your usual animation, frankly I wouldn't call it very suitable for children either. It just hits you with reality front, back, and center, but what you should take away from it is that some friendships are meant to last, and that sometimes, the most unexpected people can change your life.

5. Big Fish (2003)

Hands down, the best Tim Burton film out there for me (as directed by him, otherwise Nightmare Before Christmas wins every time). We all expect Burton's films to be weird and we always have this frame of mind when watching them and nothing could surprise us. However, what this film stands out with for me (other than no Johnny Depp for once) is that I can see character development. All the crazy stories function as a catalyst and at the end, the characters come out as different people, and I care about those people, I laugh and cry with them. And in the end, the craziest adventure is life itself.

6. Cloud Atlas (2012)

I'm sure most of you know about Cloud Atlas and have either been swept off by it, or left deeply confused about what you just saw. As an atheist, reincarnation is the concept I find most fascinating of all the religious theories out there, and karma is something I deeply believe in (yes, an atheist believes that what goes around comes around!). And I completely loved this film. I think it interpreted the theme of actions resonating through the centuries in a very compelling way. On the second watch I saw a lot of things I missed during the first, and I'm sure I'll discover many more when I watch it again. I love it when a film gives me that, it allows me to gradually see so many layers of it. And the music has also become one of my favourite soundtracks. I know the film's not perfect, but I tend to focus on the feeling it gives me, and on the journey it sends me as I watch these souls race through time. And as soon as I finish the 2734 books I've started reading all at once, I'm getting my hands on this one too!

7. Only Lover Left Alive (2013)

This film is relatively new, and I'm not sure it's been released everywhere yet, but if you see it showing somewhere around you, please give it a shot. In a world where vampires have been reduced to sparkling pixie dust fairies, this film manages to redeem them at least partially. You see life through their point of view, and you do sympathize with their characters. The music is also awesome, I've been playing it ever since I watched the film. And, you know, Tom Hiddleston looks like a rockstar...

8. The Tree of Life (2011)

Last, but not least comes Terrence Malick's story about life, the universe, and everything. Seriously, this film deals with so many topics I'm not even sure it knows what it is. You're watching the story of a family in the '50s, next thing you know, you're witnessing the creation of the universe (accompanied by one of the most haunting voices ever). You do get lost during the film, but I think that's the point - we all get lost in life one way or another, and it's up to us to face our demons and find our way again.

 

And here we are at the end. Thank you all for reading, I really hope I've somehow convinced you to give these films a shot. If you've seen them, which one do you like the most? I know there are a lot more quirky films out there, these here are my personal favourites, but which ones are yours? I'd love a recommendation from you as well!

Imgur time!

Mae govannen, everyone! I’ve been on Imgur (one of them many websites for the “funnies”) for about 4 months now, and I would recommend it to anyone who just needs to feel better and laugh. Recently, a lot of LOTR related posts have been flying around the site, and I, the Tolkien geek that I am, made some of my own as well. So, not that I’m showing off or anything, I’d like to casually put them on here too. If you happen to give me an upvote as a result, then so be it. Thank you, dearies!

The tale of Beren and Lúthien http://imgur.com/gallery/mC4Lk
The future of Middle-earth http://imgur.com/gallery/tjqAA
Some Middle-earth humour http://imgur.com/gallery/WZABS

EDIT: And some hilarious and very bad LOTR captions http://imgur.com/gallery/c01dA

S

With the rate I’m going, there won’t be anything left to be published. Well, in the likely chance it’s not (<- statement connected to the extract), I’ll just post the whole thing here. And for the third time – no touchy-touchy!

 

The Soul is an amazing concept. Do we even have one? Is it really there? Or is it just Something religion came up with to Scare the masses. I’ve always been in two minds about pretty much everything, and this is no exception. I guess it’s just another way to portray my duality, my constant questioning and wandering between the Spiritual and the logical. It’s not Something unusual, everyone (some more than others) at some point in their life has pondered over the big questions: What are we? Why are we here? Is this all there is, is there Something else, Somewhere, beyond the visible? I’ve never been on good terms with logic or rationality, but 99% of the time I do the “right” thing and try to listen to my head. And 99% of the time I only believe in something if I can See it. 99% of the time I think there is no magic in the world, no Spiritual layer of the universe, nothing that Special at all – just balls of gas and rock orbiting around in perfect logic. 99% of the time I bow down to Society’s whims and rules. Every bigger dream I dare have gets Shot down in my head 99% of the time. Just 99% of the time... And I realised that the remaining 1% is the tiny voice in my mind constantly Shouting “What if?” – 99% of the time Silenced by logic, but Shouting nonetheless, Screaming at me that everything’s possible. It’s where hope comes from, where love is born and reborn time and again, where your true Strength lies. And what I found is that this 1% is the human Soul.

C

Since I’m not writing any scribbles, I thought I’d share another extract from “the book”. As usual – no touchy-touchy.

 

To my unborn Child:
………………………………………….

…you and I will probably disagree about everything. You will hurry to get out of the Cradle and grow up, I will run after you to put you back in. And if you won’t take my advice for anything else, take it for this. You will have plenty of time to be an adult – not so much to be a Child. So trust me when I say I will do my best to prepare you for that time while you’re growing up. Yes, sometimes I will be nosy. Yes, I will be pushy. And yes, I will probably be annoying. It won’t be because I don’t believe or respect you – it’s just a motherly instinct to look out for your young (or a phantom instinct, in my case). And then, one day, time will come for you to leave home and Chase your own future. I won’t stop you, even though it may break my heart – I’ll just hope I’ve prepared you well enough - because from that day on, you will be the maker of your own destiny. You will be the one taking your own decisions and Choosing what’s best for you. And if I don’t agree with something you do, no matter how good my intentions are, remember this: You don’t live your life for your mother, or your father, or for anyone else. And if you spend all your time trying to make everyone happy – whose life are you living? I’m not saying to never listen to me – just listen to yourself as well. It won’t mean you’ve deserted or betrayed your family – they will always be there. Your home will always be yours, you’ll carry them with you wherever you go. But you can’t discover that “wherever” from the comfort of home. The hardest things in life are usually the best – there’s something, someone, somewhere for you to find them. So go - the world is waiting.

G

For some time now, I have been writing something like a book, but the process is so slow, I don’t think it will be finished soon. I showed an excerpt to one of my friends and he said I should post it somewhere. And the blog is the lucky winner. If at some point in the future, my dream comes true and this thing gets published, I would just like to say that the following extract is my own work, sooo – all rights reserved and no touchy-touchy!

 

“Growing up – can you actually feel the moment it happens? Is there some point in time in which you are still a child, and in the next – no longer one? I still don’t think I’ve Grown up. I’m Growing older – but inside I can see the little Girl, a bit weird, that no one wanted to play with in kindergarten. But one distinct time I actually felt things would never be the same was when I Graduated university. It’s like you’re in the middle of the ocean, and your life-belt suddenly cracks. And you’re on your own. And you either learn to swim or drown. It still hits me sometimes – the sudden realisation that I will never again sleep late on a weekend in my bed, in my room, in my house, because I had to Get up early all week for school; that the neighbour kids will never again call me out to play; that I will never again spend the whole summer at my grandmother’s flat, playing with my cousins; that we will never again play hide and seek till midnight, or pray for rain on a really hot day; I’ll never again catch fireflies in the dark... They’re now chased by someone else.”

Karma

My muse showed up at 3 last night, and I just finished writing it. I’ve always believed in karma, of all the things to believe in, I think karma is the most just and it makes the most sense. And I guess I’ve been reading on spirituality and meditation recently which inspired me. I’m not delving into any religion, I’m just trying to express how I feel about Mother nature, acknowledging that good things come with bad and vice versa. So I wanted show her my respect with this scribble.

There's no moon here
There are no stars here
There's no sun here
There's no light here

There are no hearts here
There's no joy here
There's no love here
There's no hope here
.................................

You are the earth,
you are the sky,
you are the dirt,
you are bird's cry

You are the rivers,
you are the moon,
you're the silvering
                 monsoon.

As above, so below
You see all, joy and woe
East and West, hunter and pray.
South and North - fire purifies all sins,
                            then water washes them away.

Protectress of all wild and free
Mother just, weaver of destinies
You're everything there is, black and white
...For the darkness mixed with darkness shall create Light.

Goodbye, 2013, you were the happiest year of my life.


Multi enim ad minim veniam…

Halloween movie marathon

Happy Halloween, fiends! I hope everyone is having a spookishly awesome day. As someone stuck in a new city without knowing anyone and not going to any parties or trick-or-treating, I decided to be helpful and share my Halloween movie playlist. Just because you’re on your own doesn’t mean you can’t have a terrific Halloween. So, here it is:

I started off with Hocus Pocus today. It’s fun and funky in that specific 90s style we all love and miss (or at least those of us who were born in it). My favourite part without a doubt is the song Sarah sings to lure the children to the witches’ house. I remember looking up the lyrics and someone argued they were written by Edgar Allan Poe – but they’re not. It’s still a nice tune and part of the magic of the film (Get it, magic? Anyone? Anyone?). It’s a definite must-see on Halloween for me.
Jumping into the 21st century with Coraline. Those of you who like stop-motion animation will really like it. An animation, yes, but the other-mother still scares the crap out of me. It’s definitely weird and crazy – exactly what I like, so it fits perfectly in my list.
I Sell the Dead is another favourite of mine. It’s got zombies, vampires, corpses, twisted humour (my favourite kind) – what more do you need for Halloween? Plus we’ve got one certain hobbit here, and if you know me just a little bit, you’ll know I have a slight obsession about anything related to The Lord of the Rings. So I recommend I Sell the Dead very, very much.
Back on the witches topic, I can’t go without mentioning Practical Magic and The Craft. The first doesn’t take itself very seriously, which I think is what makes it so charming. However, I really can’t forgive them for the geographical location they gave Bulgaria – “somewhere around Transylvania” (which is not even a country but part of Romania). Anyway, it’s still a nice and funny interpretation of the witch craft. Speaking of crafts, the latter movie also offers a nice perspective of the witches’ world – even though it’s a teen one. I think it was The Craft that got me into wicca for a brief period, but I wasn’t ready to commit to that. I do believe in karma, though, that’s why I really like the message of the film – it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about magic, or about life in general, but whatever you send out, you have to be prepared to face the consequences.
American Horror Story, though a TV show, not a film, is a Halloween marathon in itself. Every episode is uniquely twisted, and as a bonus – you get to choose which season to watch – be it a haunted house theme, an asylum, or, again, going back to the good old witchcraft. I recommend checking out the latest episode, which was a great Halloween addition.
And of course, it’s not a proper Halloween until I’ve seen my favourite favourite film – The Nightmare Before Christmas. It just celebrated its 20th anniversary, if I’m not mistaken, and within those years, it managed to become a timeless classic for all of us spooky dark children. On one side, I’m really happy it’s so popular, but on the other, I don’t entirely agree with what Disney did to it after they bought it. It just doesn’t fit in within the Disney universe, but they still blew up its popularity beyond count. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but that’s the one movie (in my opinion) that needs to remain obscure and not put together with Disney’s fairytales (which I adore as well, but separately).

I can name a lot more movies that are a perfect fit for a Halloween movie marathon, but these mentioned here are my top…. 7, as it seems. So I hope you enjoy the list, and have a really good time on Halloween. I’m off eating candy and finishing my marathon!

Spiral

And I’m back again. So is my muse, apparently, trying to compensate for a whole year of no writing. You can see I’m using a similar line from the previous scribble – I just really really like it, besides I changed it a little bit for “We, the Dark” and wanted to still use it in its original form. I didn’t write it all at once, so you could notice changes in mood every other line. That’s all about the scribble.
On a different note, American Horror Story’s new season finally began and as usual, it did not disappoint. The first 5 minutes alone were absolutely sick and twisted – as they should be, considering the show’s history, so it’s all good. I wish I could say the same about Supernatural’s opening of the new season – it felt more like a ‘meh’ episode, and I really hope it’s going to pick up soon. Ah, I do have a favourite from the new shows – Sleepy Hollow (surprise, surprise). On one side - yes, I’m hooked, on the other – this show is yet another addition to the vicious circle started by Lost, later included Fringe, and now this one. And it is a vicious circle, because it’s pretty much the same people behind each show, they screw up the endings beyond repair, leaving me completely confused about what the hell I have just seen (and still crying, nonetheless!), and I continue to watch their shows. Let’s just hope third time’s the charm and Sleepy Hollow will escape that fate.
Almost forgot about Once Upon A Time – I did like the season’s opening, but let’s face it, I’m a sucker for fairytales. The only thing that gets me is all the flashbacks from the Enchanted Forest – I’m beginning to mix which story happened when, since they’re not in chronological order. Apart from that, they’re doing well for me (let’s just hope they don’t screw up Ariel the way they did Sleeping Beauty… and Belle).
That concludes my rant about few of my favourite shows – and now you know a little bit more about me too. But I think it’s finally time for the scribble and for me to stop talking. Enjoy!

I'm inspired, tormented, spoilt, neglected
         Desperate, starving, faithful, lying
     Twisted, happy, suicidal
Fickle, stable, and immortal
Loving, caring, and resentful
   Alone, lonely, and forgetful
Bubbly, screaming, dancing, dreaming
             Jumping, running, chasing, flying
Underwater laughing, and flamingly crying
   Overcompensating and underachieving
            Celebrating life, burying, grieving
      Weird, normal, crazy, moral
Awkward, anxious, selfish, cruel
Ironic, sarcastic, fantastic, bombastic!
.......................................................
I'm the bad guy in someone else's story,
just like you are the one in mine

We, the Dark

Weell, what do ya know, I wrote something! It’s surprising how helpful reading what you’ve written before can be. Throw in some pondering over the absurdity of mankind, and you got yourself a scribble. The pondering is, as usual, so camouflaged in my weird way of writing that you may not really notice it’s there, but it is, trust me. I called it “We, the Dark”, because I’ve had the phrase in my head for the last few days and I thought it’s just fitting. So, enjoy!

Welcome, my dear, to the end of the world -
where we drown in our tears, in our man-made flood!
There's a place for every traitor under the sun,
there's a bullet for every sinner under the gun!

With our heads in the clouds and our feet on the ground,
we get lost in the crowds of little faceless clowns
Dignity is most often too high to climb
And vanity is welcome only at special times

Your life is a book where nothing really happens
Your dreams became so small they don't really matter
You're the bad guy in someone else's storyline
just like I'm the one in yours, eternally entwined:

A horned beast in a river of trees
Naked, exhausted, tormented it drinks
From a poisoned well in a whirlpool of winds
Grinning and growling, awaiting to be skinned.

Walking backwards and hitting the currents
See-through phantoms is what we've become -
the curse of our parents
and the children of the new millennium

You ruined me, I made you -
found you washed up on the shores
You broke me like a piece of statue
puppeteers, my strings are yours!

“I’m going on an adventure!”

I know, I know, I’m a disgrace. Last thing written here was on January 1, and, oh, lookey, it’s September 24 already – that sounds like a short year now, doesn’t it? So I guess I should explain where I’ve been all this time and why I didn’t write anything. Well, long story short, I was too busy being happy! Well, still am, but I felt like talking just now. It’s not that I didn’t have any time at all – true, I was working 3 jobs at some point and the last thing on my mind was my blog – but I have some major changes in my life, got some free time and I thought I’d share. The other reason I didn’t write at all is that I’m usually a very private person and I don’t like exposing every single detail of my life on YouTube or Facebook, let alone here. But I guess, talking only about general things, and leaving out the details should be fine.
So, the big news – after staying a year after graduating in the tiny town of Aberystwyth, Wales, I got the courage to move to the big city, and now I’m enjoying the awesome Cardiff. I did go home in between that, for about 3 weeks, because I hadn’t been home for over a year and a half. I thought I’d surprise my parents, and they had no idea I was coming home, so the looks on their faces were priceless. Aaand, I got it on camera as a nice remainder. The biggest surprise for me, though, was that my little puppy (that’s not really a puppy anymore) was absolutely ecstatic to see me, and barely left my side for 3 weeks. It’s amazing he remembered me after almost 2 years. I wish I had stayed more, because in the end, it felt like I’d been there less than a week, and it was really hard leaving all over again, but I had things and people waiting for me in the UK that I couldn’t leave behind either. So, as of Sunday, I’m a city girl! But it really isn’t as posh as it sounds – primarily because I’m still getting used to it. I mean, 19 years in a small town, 4 years in another small town, then – BOOM! – the big city. But I’m keeping a positive attitude, even though it’s a little scary. One of the main things that’s driving me forward is - *geeky moment* – the scene in The Hobbit where Bilbo is running through the fields shouting: I’m going on an adventure! So this is my adventure, and I hope to experience and enjoy every bit of it (and leave out the trolls).
As for scribbles, I really don’t have anything (again, busy being happy). I’m still writing, though very slowly, I just don’t have anything put together. I’ve got lots of ideas, just struggling sometimes how to transform them into words. So when I do come up with anything, it will show up.
I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now, I’ll try and write more, about random stuff that I like, maybe, because just talking about my day is not gonna cut it (it’s really boring). If anyone is still out there, sorry it’s been so long, and to anyone who finds this thing by accident – I hope you can read the font! So have a nice day, afternoon, evening, whatever time it is there, and I’ll be back soon!

Top 3 songs listened to in 2013:

1. Nightwish – Bye Bye Beautiful
2. Nightwish – Astral Romance
3. Nightwish – Storytime

I have a strange deja vu that this happened last year as well. Oh well, Happy New Year, everyone!

Phone calls are poor consolations

“If the world's coming to and end,
if the darkest days are here, not ahead,
if someone tells me: you can save only one from this earth
...I would always choose you.”

“What’s the best cure for love?
A healthy dose of cynicism!
What’s the best cure for cynicism?
Love…”

Wow. December 31st, 2012. We made it. Who would’ve thought? Well, anyone with enough common sense and logical thinking, really. And then me, the idiot. I had a really weird dream the other night – the whole hype around 2012 was because there was going to be an eclipse. But instead of the Moon hiding the Sun, the Sun hid the Moon at night. It was still dark outside, but the Sun was still shining. If we trust the dream dictionary, an eclipse means losing faith in yourself. But really, who believes in silly shit like dreams, and souls, and dead grandmas looking after you? Oh, yeah, me, the idiot. And let’s be honest, I’ve never had much faith in myself to begin with.
I said in the last entry that I’d be having my first Christmas away from my family this year. And it sucked. I really did try, I had fun on Christmas Eve, and then I just gave up. I guess I can’t function without the people I love. I wasn’t even in the mood to celebrate New Year and was planning on being alone. But my friends didn’t let me. I’m really really thankful that at least they still haven’t got tired of me. Hell, I get tired of me all the time, I really don’t know how they do it. But I’m glad for each and every one of them. And overall, 2012 wasn’t as bad as everyone accused it of being. After all, I managed to achieve 3 of my goals I had on my wishlist (numbers 4, 5 and 9 – for those of you who don’t remember what they were or don’t know what I’m talking about – either look them up or piss off). And also something that wasn’t on the list (because it wasn’t certain at the time) – I lived to see The Hobbit finally filmed. Now that I think about it, I should wish to live till at least 2014 so I can see the other two. 2014 – that sounds so weird – like by then we should already have androids as housemaids, live on the Moon and go to school with aliens. And what have we done till 2012? Released phones for which people starve so they can afford to buy, and televising beauty pageants with 5 year olds. Well, I’m sure there are a lot of good things as well, but you know me (or don’t, who cares), I always look on the dark side of life! Speaking of, time for another New Year resolution. I remember a few years ago, I wished to be a little less naive. The following year I wished to be a little more trusting. Well, screw that, I’m wishing to be a lot less naive again. It really hurts less – you expect nothing and don’t get disappointed (unfortunately, sometimes even this bulletproof plan doesn’t work). I also wish to write more – I haven’t done anything in probably 6 months. Being happy really doesn’t do good to my muse. Buuut I’m a little fucked up at the moment, I might see that eclipse realised on paper – or on the computer screen. Anyway, enough blabbing. To everyone reading – have a happy New Year, try not to disappoint and hurt anyone and don’t let yourselves be disappointed and hurt too. To 2012 – you were actually pretty good to me, so thank you! I’ll catch you all next year, bye!

Boo!

I know, I know, I haven’t said a word for over 3 months, I’m lazy and horrible. But I have a perfectly good reason for that – I’m happy (Dear Faith, please don’t take this statement as “challenge accepted”). And I haven’t come up with any new scribbles, just some doodles here and there that I can’t find time to fit together. Everything is good, if anyone wonders, except for our Aber weather. What I like to say usually – if it’s gonna be cold, let it at least snow… No luck so far. But you never know, it’s only December 3. Ah, which reminds me – happy December to everybody! I’m considering making an afterparty for the end of the world on the 22nd, just because we will have a 22nd! Again, no “challenge accepted” attempts here. Less than two weeks for the Hobbit premiere here, which is the most exciting thing in my calendar for now, I can barely wait! And then spending Christmas away from home and my family for the first time. I knew it’s probably gonna happen this year and didn’t make a big deal out of it, but the closer it gets, I catch myself every now and then realizing that I won’t see my parents and my friends for the foreseeable future. It’s definitely not the end of the world (no pun intended), but it sucks a little bit. Buut at least I got them some presents which I really need to send soon before the post gets stuck with similar parcels as it does at this time of the year. Well, that’s all I have to say for now. It isn’t much, I just wanted to make an entry to show the ill-wishers I’m still kicking! Now I bid you all adieu!

One From Behind The Glass

What can I say, I got my muse back. I love you, muse!

 

I am a (love)sick person
I'm a flower at the end of its season
Don't steal my poison, I love to feel it
Don't take my halo, I live to heal it

Stones and hearts still are broken
Hugs and kisses for every day we haven't spoken
My lips may be sealed by the words of a hypocrite
but I love you more than I care to admit

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
are you gonna kill them all?
A ruby red for the skull -
tell me, friend, what's the future foul?

"Wishing wells and shooting stars,
magic spells in secret jars
birthday candles, rocking cradles
Hide-and-seeks and midnight tricks;

Chases underneath the rays -
little phoenixes of olden days...
That is all the past will say,
so may the bridges you burn light the way"

I once had a vision - a dream dressed in wisdom:
Miracles happen, though not the ones that we hope for
So don't look for what's lost, or you'll drown in the downpour

Yet halos won't remain,
and flowers will be slain
Words will stay crooked,
hearts will be flooded
But I will stay and wait for the arson -
I am the hypocrite, I'm a sick of love person

Soul Imaginarium

The more time it passes, the easier I think it would be if I just don’t write here. Buut let’s not get that lazy. So, what has happened for the last… oh, geez, more than two months, that’s like a new record for me. Right, so – exams successfully taken, had a very nice graduation (without mum and dad, but it can’t all be perfect), and I can honestly say that one day after graduating I was already working. Well, it was a gown assistant job, helping the other students put on their robes and it was for only 3 days, but I WAS working  one day after getting my degree – no one can take that away from me! :D I have another job now, so I can finally breathe. And… wow, that’s it – what a boring life I have. Ah, yes, the other thing is I wrote a story. Well, not exactly a story, more like a conversation. I can visualize it in my mind and it would, in my humble opinion, look good as a film, but since I have no directing abilities or equipment, and I’d ruin it if I try and write a narrative – it’s a plain simple conversation. I just don’t think saying the sun has a light switch attached to it would be as cool as actually seeing it… But of course you have no idea what I’m talking about, because you haven’t read the thing yet. I wish I could record all the things my weird brain comes up with, including dreams, and watch it for real. The movie industry would change unrecognizably. Aaaand I drifted off again. Now, back to the story – I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and finally decided to write it down last week. Then I hesitated whether or not to post it here, but I figured – hey, no one reads this blog anyway, so what the heck! So there it is, my latest crooked child of writing. (I really thought this post would be longer given my 2-month laziness, but I guess I really am boring.. such a shame)

                                                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                                                       “'Cause all of the stars
                                                                                                                                                                          are fading away.
                                                                                                                                                                          Just try not to worry,
                                                                                                                                                                          you'll see them some day.
                                                                                                                                                                         Take what you need
                                                                                                                                                                         and be on your way,
                                                                                                                                                                         and stop crying your heart out.”

 

-Hi there! I'm glad to finally see you. I've been expecting you.
-You've been... wha.. who are you?
-I'm just a girl. A person. And you're just a boy. Another person. There, now we're properly introduced. Now shall we get started?
-Start what?
-Showing you around, of course.
-Around where? Where are we?
-Nowhere. And everywhere. This place can be anything you want it to be.
-Okay, how about home? I want it to be home!
-That's good. Home's good. Makes you get used to it faster.
-No, I want to go home! Now! I don't know what happened, I don't know where I am, so I just want you to take me home!
-Don't be so hasty. Just calm down and let me show you around, and then you'll have the choice to leave. I promise.
........
-How did you get here?
-Same way you did. I was very unhappy where I was, so I wished really hard for another place to go,
did everything I could - and here I am.
-And how long ago was that?
-I really don't know. Time... doesn't matter here. For all I know, I could've been here for one second of time spent on earth,
I could've been here for centuries. I could be in a coma lying in a hospital bed, or I could be dead and waiting to be reincarnated.
-Don't you have some way to tell? I mean, I can see there's a sun in the sky, how long do days last here?
-As long as you want. Same way with nights. Same way with seasons. I told you - time doesn't matter here,
this place is not built on the trivial.
-On what then?
-Just... thoughts. And dreams. And weaknesses. You can be anything here, you can try different roles,
you can accept who you are, and learn to live with it.
If you can't remember how long it's been since you last cried, then it's been long enough... so you just cry. No one here to judge you.
Tears tell a story of their own, you need to learn to read it.
-Did you learn all this on your own here?
-There was someone here when I arrived. An old man. He told me everything he knew, everything I'm telling you know.
He probably learnt it from someone else who was here before that. There always has to be
someone here, to take care of this place and make sure it doesn't die.
-I thought this place takes care of you.
-You take care of each other.
-Wait - you said you saw an old man. How long had he stayed before you showed up? Can you age here?
-Well, I don't have any gray hair, if that's what you're asking. My body doesn't feel any different,
and that man probably arrived old already. It sounds tricky, but my words will make more sense to you in time.
-You mean if I stay.
-...You wouldn't be here if you didn't need to stay.
........
-So if I stay, does that mean you get to finally leave?
-I leave because I'm ready to leave. No one's forcing you to be here, but if you already are, you might as well give it a try.
I didn't want to stay either,
but I'm glad I did. Now I can carry on with the tradition.
-What tradition?
-The legacy of this place: Don't wait for life to throw you something, throw something at life.
If you're here, it's only because you can't do that - at
least for now. You're afraid to face the life you've built. This place will give you the courage to go back and do it better when you're ready.
-....... We're dead, aren't we?
-Depends on how you perceive death. Some people are dead even when they live and don't realize it.
But you did - that's why you're here. This is your second
chance. This was my second chance - and I took it. Now it's all up to you.
-.......I guess your words will make sense in time?
-Indeed they will.
-So how long have we been having this conversation? 5 minutes? 5 centuries?
-I...
-Oh, yeah, I forgot - time's not important.
-There you go, already getting used to it. I have to go now, then, but it's been very nice knowing you.
Good luck, and may the bridges you burn behind light the way ahead.
I'll see you in the next life, if not in this one.

Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay

Dreams are a weird thing, aren’t they? Just like everything else, I’m torn in two about dreaming. I recently watched a documentary about why people dream and what dreams mean. And that plus everything I’ve learned in my three years of studying psychology tells me the logical reason is that dreams reflect our biggest fears and innermost desires. But then there’s the illogical side that tells me there’s more to it. One thing I always wonder is when I dream about people I’ve never met in my life – do they dream about you too without never having seen you? Or when I dream people who have died – do they really send you messages in sleep or is it your mind playing tricks on you? ‘Cause if it’s the latter, I’m really sick and tired of my brain making me wake up crying every other night. I’m writing this because it happened again this morning and I didn’t want to forget it. My great grandmother died two years ago and since then I think I’m the only one in my family who has dreamed about her. And every time she tells me something comforting. First time I dreamed about her she told me she believes in me. Second time I was running from an insane serial killer and she told me she’d protect me. Third time I was visiting her in something like a dormitory and she said she was living there now. The fourth time was kinda nasty, because she was already dead. And this morning when I saw her, she said: Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay. And then she died in my arms. I’ve found myself many times talking and praying to her instead to a made up god, as pathetic as it sounds. And while logic tells me it’s not real and it’s all in my head, I want to believe she really is watching over me. But still, waking up with a panic attack crying your eyes out is not cool. Anyway, I’m letting my crazy spiritual side take over now, so I just wanted to say – thank you, grandma. I love you and I miss you.

Manchester, a ping-pong ball, and a New Zealand wine

I’m still not dead, don’t worry. Just forgot I have a blog. And I didn’t have anything interesting to write. Not that I do now – just thought I might update it before it gets deleted. So, what’s new… not much, really. I had a very lazy spring break. The only exciting thing I got to do was visiting a friend in Manchester for 4 days. And I got to see Afflecks Palace, or in other words – my gothic heaven. Four hours spent there, around weirdos like me – my idea of good time. After Manchester I had to focus on my last two essays for this year and for this university. I had to – didn’t say I did. I finished the last one just today. I thought I’d feel nostalgia or something – no more lectures, no more essays… well, at least for now. But I guess I’d be sad when it’s really over. Besides, I still got my lovely final exams. And graduation in July… which reminds me I need to rent my freaking toga already. Okay, now I feel sad. Mostly because the people I’ve used to see for 3 years will be gone, just like that. So I really hope I’ll find a job here so I can stay one more year and hang out with them some more. Aber’s really not that bad, if you don’t count the extremely low percentage of chances to get a job. So somebody please prove me wrong, I don’t wanna leave! Aaanyway… yeah, that’s pretty much all I had to say for now – complete nonsense. I haven’t written anything since the last scribble, because I was preoccupied with parenting styles and the Cold War. Some combination, huh? Come to think of it, the Cold War was a really harsh parent – let’s hope that it taught us well enough not to repeat it mistakes.

P.S. – the New Zealand wine kicks ass, I recommend it to everyone!

Story and the monster

It might seem a bit jumpy, but I’m on about 4 glasses of wine now, so – I don’t really care.

Tell me, my friend, tell me a story,
a story of woe, a story of glory
These people around, I don't like their stories
Fallen in darkness, fairytales of worries

I knew a storyteller once
selling happy endings at no price
He said depression is a state of mind,
a maze to help the blind stay blind

A monster starred in all his tales
Alone, neglected, broken, frail
Wounded, bleeding, lost at sea
They always ended: that monster's me

"There's nothing wrong with monsters, child,
it's us who make them vile and wild
They live, they love, they smile, they cry,
then whisper to their own: mother, mother, I want to die"

...Mother Nature is a whore
A virgin gown on winter fields she wore
Renounced her daughters, vowed them to a slaughter
Life began in water, life will end in water...

..So tell me, my friend, tell me a story,
could be a lie, please don't be sorry
Just give me something enough to survive
and witness the day all statues come alive